reality.

If tears could get me back to Benin, I would be well on my way there this morning. I woke up so sad. And then, after seeing pictures posted of the kids, I got even more sad and angry and jealous, if the truth be told. And this is my blog, so I’ll tell the truth. I’m not working today, which is nice but has created this monster of emotion all before 9 o’clock in the morning. I have been so extremely busy since I got back to the States, which has been nice and awful all at the same time. We are seeing a record number of patients at the office every day and I am consumed with sick children or well child checks from 8-5 (sometimes later) every week day and it doesn’t leave much time to think about any of this. But, I woke up this morning and it was all fresh on my mind. Or my heart I guess. I’m sitting here at my kitchen table in Broken Arrow and I’m just sad. My time in Benin was precious over Christmas. But if truth be told, and once again this is my blog so I’ll tell my truth, I feel like I wasn’t even there. I mean, that’s a retarded statement I know, because I’ve seen the same pictures and I have these sweet memories, but my days there were a whirlwind and it was just much, much different than when I was there last Spring.

Last Spring, I lived there. I was part of daily life and it just became my ordinary for 3 months. And it was a fantastic thing. I LOVED life there! The two weeks I was there over Christmas was not typical, daily life and I think that’s what feels/felt so strange about it all. I love anytime I have with the kids and being there, but since Christmas was so different it just feels like this whirlwind of events with only two days of “normalcy” (not that ANY day at Arbre de Vie is "normal") and then I was leaving to get on a plane to head back to this side of the Atlantic, which is not where I want to be. I want to be living their daily life with them there...

The day I was leaving a few weeks ago was crazy. I mean, every single day is crazy. But this day was a little crazier. Some kids had spent the night at Jon and Ashley’s (Alice, Rosaline, Hubertine, Adolphe & Hubert) and we’d gone to bed late and I woke up early because I just couldn’t sleep. I walked out of my room at Jon and Ashley’s apartment and in the hallway, the 2 boys were sleeping and I just stopped and looked at them for a few minutes and I felt my heart breaking, the first of many heart breaking moments that day. The house needed to be straightened up because another volunteer/friend was arriving on the plane I was leaving on, so we spent some time doing that and the boys went to get bread because we were having a tea party for breakfast that morning. I wanted to be really excited, and I tried, but I was finding it really difficult to sit there and enjoy all of these sweet moments to the ultimate level when my heart was breaking at the thought of being on a plane that night.

The water spiket in the kitchen busted and water was flying everywhere and I had no idea how to fix it so I yell for Ashley to come in, and I can’t remember what I said now but it was really funny and we laughed and there was water all over the place and then I couldn’t get the nozzle back on and the water back on. Once I (and by I, I mean Jon fixed it when he got home…) got the water in the kitchen back in order we realized the water supply for the house wasn’t working so there was no running water in the apartment. Which means, no water for showers, no water for flushing the toilet, no water for washing your hands, no water for brushing your teeth, NO RUNNING WATER! This is common-ish so there is a back-up water container that we can use to take bucket showers with and stuff, but it just added to the chaos of this morning. We finish the fun tea party, the kids and adults equally loved it! I sipped on my last 3in1 coffee and headed to my last bucket shower for who knows when. And again, my heart was really, really sad. The girls were cleaning the kitchen (as best they could with no running water) and we were all taking turns at getting showered up when Jon said Fulbert (their downstairs neighbor who I know well and does a lot for the orphanage) wanted to share a “Last Supper” with me. We didn’t really know what this meant, but I thought it would involve breaking bread and drinking wine and praying and that would be that. There was just a lot to be done and packed up and cleaned up and put up, we headed down to Fulbert’s apartment (all the kids waited up in Jon and Ashley’s apt for us to finish) and there was a full meal waiting for us at the table…

Change of plans! Jon ran up and started a movie for the kids that we hadn’t finished the night before since we were all sleepyheads and came back down to join us for African salad and pop. Now, we had only finished our tea party probably an hour or so before this and I was not hungry. But it’s rude to sit there and not eat at a meal that has been prepared just for you, so I pounded some African salad and we sat there for awhile talking, laughing, and sharing stories. There was a toast that was made and Fulbert said something that really stuck out to me. He was talking about how grateful he was that I would come back to Benin and he knows I love the kids and I work hard to advocate for them when I’m in the States. He said these words (or something to the effect of these words), “I know that your reality is not our reality. And it would be really easy to stay where you are and forget about what you’ve seen and forget about us. But thank you for coming into our reality and trying to change it.” I, of course, had tears in my eyes and thanked him. We took some pictures and loaded up all the kids and headed to the orphanage. It was a quiet ride, on my part especially, and as we pulled up to the orphanage Ashley said, “Tats, you sure are loved here.” Oh buddy, you have no idea how much I realize that...

We hopped out of the car and the kids loaded us up with hugs and greetings. Some were finishing up letters for me to take home with me to mail to people and others were just sitting around not doing much of anything. Everyone was pretty quiet and at one point, I looked over at Ashley in the gazebo and said, “What’s everyone’s deal?? Everyone’s so quiet and blah.” She said, “Well, they’re pissed.” And I just laughed and laughed and tried to make light of a situation that is hard to make light of.

Last Spring, early on in my time in Sakete, I remember having a conversation with Ashley around those same wooden tables….

            Me- “How do people ever leave here? I mean, I’ve been here a few weeks and I could just cry and cry when I think about leaving in May.”

            Ash- “Well, it’s not easy, but what I always tell people is to try not to cry in front of the kids as much as possible. Because it is sad and they are sad too, but they’ve experienced so much loss in their lives that people leaving Benin should not be another loss for them. We try to remember all the fun times and great memories and just be really thankful for those instead of focusing on the goodbye.”

I remembered that conversation in that moment, with all the kids sitting in the chairs and on the tables with sad faces and no one saying much of anything. So I remembered I had some Jolly Ranchers left and I start passing out candy like it’s my job because I couldn’t handle the look in their sweet eyes! And let's be real, candy fixes a lot. :)

I went over to the other gazebo to give some candy out and some of the girls were in there getting their rice for lunch. We start to talk back and forth as best we can and they are saying, “Tata, don’t go.” So I keep saying, “It’s okay. It’s going to be fine. It’s okay.” And Alice looks up at me, stomps her foot and says, “No, it’s not okay.” I laughed and laughed and hugged them and knew I had to pull it together because even though my heart was breaking, I couldn’t let them see my tears. So we snapped lots of pictures. Said our goodbyes. I kissed them all. I hugged them all. And I got in Jon and Ashley’s car to head toward the airport in Cotonou and I honestly felt like it was hard to breathe. I’m not being dramatic, although that sounds dramatic, but my chest was heavy, I thought I was going to vomit and the tears were flowing down my face as we pulled down the drive from the orphanage onto the paved road...

And here I am today, 6,000 miles away, allowing myself to really cry for the first time since then. I feel like the kids...I’m pissed. I am mad and frustrated that I am not there. And this morning, I am trying to allow myself to feel those things fully because I know repressing them does nothing good for anybody. As I laid in bed, crying, feeling angry and jealous and hurt, I made myself get up and pick up my Jesus Calling devotional. I didn't really want to, but I did. And I read just what I needed to read...

“If you believe that I am sovereign over every aspect of your life, it is possible to trust Me in all situations. Don’t waste energy regretting the way things are or thinking about what might have been. Start at the present moment – accepting things exactly as they are – and search for My way in the midst of those circumstances.”

The Lord has a funny way of speaking to me sometimes, especially when I don’t really want to hear what He has to say. Today, I wanted to cry and wallow in my self-induced misery, but instead, I read those words and I let them speak to me. And I decided, once again, that I will not waste my energy being sad, mad, angry, whatever word you want to insert here, about the way things are because I can’t change those. I do believe that He is sovereign over EVERY aspect of my life and I trust Him. I don’t know the next time I will hug their sweet necks and kiss their sweet foreheads, but I trust Him. I don’t know the next time I will be allowed to live their day-to-day life with them, but I trust Him. I don’t know if I’ll work here in Tulsa for the next 20 years of my life and go over and spend time in Benin twice a year or if I’ll one day live in Benin permanently, but I trust Him. I will continue to accept things exactly as they are and seek His will and His way in the midst of all of these feelings and all of these circumstances. Because He’s created a beautiful story with my life up to now and I just can’t wait to see what the next chapters include...I really hope it includes hugging these sweet kids every single day and being covered in red dirt every single day, but I'll be just as happy and He'll be just as sovereign either way.