fear.

i'm sitting at ashley's desk in their apartment, listening to a little girl who lives down stairs sing at the top of her lungs all while blowing a whistle. her name is Beatrice and she is precious. i have spent quite a bit of time with her this trip and she is just the sweetest helper. she came to camp at the orphanage and rode to and from the centre with us each day. her sweet song is blessing my heart this morning.

i woke up around 7 and laid in bed for awhile, just thinking and praying and being sad. i'm really, really sad to be leaving tomorrow night. too sad. i walked out of my room and ashley was already awake, drinking some coffee and one of the first things she said was, "Tats. I'm already too sad." well, that makes two of us then. the kids are all at school today and we'll go to the orphanage around lunchtime, when they all return, and will spend the few hours with them that they're home and then continue to knock some things off of our task list before i leave tomorrow. tonight will be a fun night of games, pictures, and laughter. but right now, it is all a stark contrast for what my heart is feeling. i don't even know if it's my heart, really. it's this pain in my soul, honestly. this gut wrenching ache that has become all too familiar to me since i left here at the end of May. not knowing when i'll be here next. not knowing when i'll hug their necks. kiss their foreheads. laugh with them. be part of their daily life. it's an ache that's honestly unlike anything i've ever experienced before and that feeling is not present when i am here.

there are a lot of unknowns right now. people in the States. people in Benin. people all over ask me continually, "when are you moving to Benin?" "when will you go and stay for awhile?" i don't have the answers to those questions right now. trust me, i wish i did. and i wish i could say, "now." but that is not the answer i have been given at this time. ashley and i were talking about it several days ago and i know it will all become painfully clear at just the right time. or maybe it will never be the plan for my life at all. maybe i will continue to come over here once or twice a year and invest in the kids lives, in jon and ashley, in others lives and go back to the States. i can feel some of you rolling your eyes right now. and i wish it was as plain and clear to me as it seems to be for others who think they see the future of my life. but right now, i do not have these answers to these questions. living here is not as simple as getting on a plane after purchasing a one-way ticket and just enjoying life. living here is difficult, i have witnessed that firsthand through my friendship with jon and ashley over this past year. and being here would require a lot of money being saved up and paperwork being completed and things being in order. but none of those things matter right now because i am still living through a lot of these unknowns.

through all of these things though...this heartache, this sadness, this joy that i have found, the Lord is continuing to prove Himself more than enough for all my needs. i did not think i could leave last time either. i honestly thought getting on that plane would be impossible. it was difficult. but i did it and a day later, landed on the other side of the world and have continued to love these kids and change their lives even from 6,000 miles away. and i know tomorrow night, it will be difficult for me to get on that plane because it just hasn't been long enough. i keep thinking that and laughing to myself because i don't think the time frame would matter...i'm not sure forever would be long enough.

ashley has this quote written out and posted on the back of their bathroom door. i have read it several times a day since i've been here. and these words speak true to my heart today more than any other day...

Fear, his (Satan) mode of operation is to manipulate you with the mysterious, to taunt you with the unknown. Fear of death, fear of failure, fear of God, fear of tomorrow -- his arsenal is vast. His goal? To create cowardly, joyless souls. He doesn't want you to make the journey to the mountain. He figures if he can rattle you enough, you will take your eyes off the peaks and settle for a dull existence in the flatlands. Fear rattles us and keeps us from the significant. We settle for survival, we settle for less than what God has for us. 

i do not know what is next. i know that tomorrow, i will hug the kids and kiss them and say goodbye for now. and leave to go to the States. there are a lot of things i don't know. but i refuse to be crippled by the fear of the unknown. instead, i will continue to daily seek the Lord and know that He will provide all the answers when the answers need to be known. i refuse to settle for a life of dull existence. who really want that anyway? i will seek Him and continue to make the journey to the mountain He has called me to. that mountain is different for everyone. but friends, i can promise you one thing, seeking Him and refusing to be crippled by fear is the only way to live. any other way is truly not living. it is something i found to be so true over the past year and i am thankful for that. thankful that i continue to refuse to allow fear to rattle me and keep me from the significant. all i want is everything God has for me. and every single day i will seek Him as i am on this journey. i just pray that His plans involve these children of Arbre de Vie and the community of Sakete, Benin. but regardless, i will not let fear cripple me. and neither should you.