clear.

this past week has been pretty crazy.
sunday honestly seems like 3 weeks ago.
first, i want to thank each of you for your AMAZING support.
my family, my friends, my co-workers, people i barely know, people i know well; thank you. your sweet words and encouragement have been incredibly special to me. honestly.

my mind has been foggy the past few days with questions that i don't have answers to.
i am praying for clarity and clear answers about what steps are next. i am also trying to learn how to live a life that is radically abandoned to Christ without making hasty, unwise decisions that negatively effect myself and the ones i love and care about most.

so, just to be clear about a few things that i do have clarity on for my own sake:

...my house will go on the market within this next week, hopefully. i honestly do not know what is next after that. if my house sells in 2 weeks, i will find a family member's house to stay at and just save money. if it sells in 24 months, i'll be in Tulsa for 2 great years. i wish i had answers past that step, but i do not. and when i think about it, my heart is overwhelmed with anxiety and i am reminded each time my heart starts to pound and my stomach gets nauseous that all i know i need to do RIGHT now is put my house on the market. so, again, that is the only step i am clear on and the only step i will take. i am confident when the next step needs to be known, it will be very clear to me what needs to happen.

...the children of Arbre de Vie do not need me. Jon and Ashley Barchus do not need me. the organization itself does not need me. the children of Arbre de Vie have their needs met by faithful supporters and a God who cares about their every need. Jon and Ashley Barchus have their needs met by faithful supporters and a God who cares about their every need. the organization has its needs met by faithful supporters and a God who cares about every aspect. if i move to Benin, West Africa on a long-term commitment, it will be simply because that is what i feel the Lord telling me to do next. and if i am on this side of the ocean for the rest of my life and never touch African soil again, the Lord will continue to care for the children of Arbre de Vie, Jon and Ashley and the organization, of this i am certain.

i am anxious for what is next but i am devoting myself fully to my call here in the States. i will continue to be the best pediatric nurse practitioner i can be and provide the best care to my patients and their families. i will also continue to be an advocate for the children of Arbre de Vie who have stolen my heart and raise awareness and money for them and their caregivers. i still do not have any more answers than when i posted last, but just wanted to clear some things up and answer the few questions i can...which aren't many.

thank you for praying for me. please specifically pray for continued clarity and peace of mind for myself and everyone effected by any future decisions that will be made.

it may be a little bumpy right now and it may look a little cloudy right now, but i am believing for a smooth ride and clear skies down the road. hold on tight friends because i do know one thing, it's going to be a great ride!!

go.

GO.

SUNDAY, January 27^TH, 2013

Today started out fairly normal, I guess. I woke up when my alarm went off for church and honestly thought about sleeping a little while longer and watching the message online. I decided after last night’s emotionally charged activities, it would be best for me to get out of bed and worship at the actual church building this week. It was a cool, rainy morning this morning. Perfect sleeping in weather...

I pulled myself out of bed and jumped in the shower. My mind was wandering in a thousand different directions. Work. Family. House. Benin. Friendships that have fallen by the wayside. Feeling unsupported by a support system that I've had my whole life. If I had milk for my cereal. It was a long, quiet shower. And I stood in my closet, trying to figure out what to wear and my purple African skirt caught my eye. It looked ridiculously cold outside, but I pulled the skirt off the hanger and knew it just felt right to wear it today.

On my way to church I was praying about some things that have been heavy on my heart the past several weeks and especially over the past several hours and I pulled into my church’s parking lot with an anxious heart, knowing I was going to hear something I needed to hear…

I have been going to Life Church’s Broken Arrow campus basically since I came back to the States this past summer. This change was drastic and something that I prayed about often and felt such a peace about when I finally decided to leave the church I’d always called “home” and leave a support system I'd had my whole life. LifeChurch has been a breath of fresh air and has really renewed my faith in the body of Christ and what His body should look like, especially among people my age.  Without going into too much detail (because it’s not necessary) it became very clear to me during my time in Benin that my home church was no longer home and the Lord began stirring in me the decision to go somewhere else. I am thankful I found Life’s BA Campus and I was reminded of that gratitude this morning when I got out of my car…

I was talking with a family as I was walking in and the lady greeting me at the door smiled really big and said, “Good morning! Oh my word. I love that skirt!”  “Oh, thank you.”   “It’s so bold and the colors are beautiful, where did you find that?”   “Oh, well, funny you should ask. It’s actually from Africa.”    “What? Africa?”   By this time the other greeter lady was in on the conversation… “Yeah, I work with an orphanage in west Africa and this skirt was made during my last trip over there and I just felt like I needed to wear it today to make me smile!”   “That is the coolest thing ever!!” And I walked off. Or in, I walked into the church lobby. Found some friends. Found a seat.

There is this song by Hillsong that we sang this morning called Search My Heart and the first time I heard it was at Beavercreek Nazarene when I was in Ohio. I loved the words the very first time I heard it and it has been a prayer I have prayed over and over since that morning…

Shine Your light


And show Your face


In my life


Lord, have Your way

So with all my heart


And all my soul


With all I am


Lord, I will follow You

The next song we sang this morning, 10,000 Reasons, moved me to tears and I almost turned into a hot mess right in the middle of a crowded sanctuary with strangers all around me. I held it together, but I just kept thanking the Lord over and over for all the goodness He has shown me…especially these last 12 months…

Okay, onto Craig’s message from this morning. Today was the last sermon in a series titled “My Story: Living the story you want to tell”. The past weeks were entitled start, stop, stay and this week’s sermon was entitled go. I will give you the cliff notes version here, but as you can imagine, I had one thing on my mind throughout the entire message…

Craig began by talking about how each and every person on this earth has a story to tell. Will I look back on this chapter of my life and be proud by the story I’ve told? Because the decisions I make today determine the stories I will tell tomorrow. I sat there quietly, thinking about the past few months of my life…this time last year I could never have IMAGINED my life would look like it does right now. I don’t even remember who I was then, but the decisions I made this time last year, created this story today. And I love this story.

The main premise of today’s sermon was that sometimes the best decision that can be made is to GO when it would be easier to STAY. To take a step toward God and trust that He will take a massive step toward me. Craig took us to the story of Abram (before becoming Abraham) in Genesis 12. It is right when God calls Abram and in Genesis 12:1, the Lord said to him, “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you.” For Abram to go somewhere new, he had to LEAVE where he was. He had to leave what he knew, what was comfortable, what was predictable and GO.

In the very next verse, the Lord goes on to say “I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all people on earth will be blessed through you.” So what did Abram do? He left. He did just what God told him to do. He didn’t have answers. But he took a step of faith and because of his faithfulness, he became the father of many nations.

What is the Lord asking me to do? It has become pretty obvious over recent days and moments that He is asking me to do one thing. To GO. And that is scary. And I do NOT have any answers, but I was reminded today by Pastor Craig that I do not need all the answers. I have to have faith that when He tells me to go, I will trust Him and go. I will leave the predictable, the comfortable, the known and I will take a step of faith into the unpredictable, the uncomfortable and the unknown and I don’t know what is waiting for me there, but I know one thing. I can trust that my every need will be taken care of. I can trust my unknown future to my known God because He is faithful.

If He calls me to do it, I have to do it. And this morning, sitting in that dark sanctuary, I made a resolve to the Lord and to myself, I will follow Him with all that I have. And I will GO where He is calling me to GO. And it may not be the easy way, and people may not understand, and I may be insanely scared about what all of this means…but I will take a step toward God believing fully that He will take a massive step toward me.

Craig ended his sermon with this, and I loved it…

I will tell one of two stories with my life: By faith, I went. Or by fear, I did nothing.

I don’t ever want to sit back and take the easy road and live the life everyone expects me to live. I want to live a life of complete abandon and I want to say “Yes! By faith, I went. And the Lord wrote a beautiful story with my life…”

So then I got in my car after church and called Ashley in Benin and decided that I am going to put my house on the market…

kings & queens.

There is this song by Audio Adrenaline. (the video is below)

I swear I have heard it just about every single time I’ve been in the car since I got back to the States from Benin.

The first time I heard it, whew. Tore me up.

All I could see were my little kings and queens...

 Today as I was driving home from mailing some letters and a box at the post office, the song came on and it wrecked me. I had just gotten off the phone with Cindy, Ashley's mom, and we ended the conversation with just being thankful for how God has orchestrated such a beautiful story through Jon and Ashley's obedience to be in Benin. I then called Ashley back. She had left me a sweet voicemail yesterday but with the time difference when I had the chance to call her back yesterday, it was well after midnight in Benin and I try not to make a habit of waking them up when sleep is so precious to their crazy life. She was in the middle of a village doing a visit to some of our sponsor kids and I just was really thankful following these sweet phone calls. Then this song came on & Tats was losing her cool while driving down Elm Street. Because I’ve seen it. I’ve witnessed it first hand. I’ve seen love. I’ve felt love. I’ve been loved. And I will never be the same.

And neither will these kids. Their lives will never be the same because someone saw their need and decided to do something about it. Each of our children have a different story. Just like each of us have different stories. We have multiple sets of siblings at the orphanage, and even though their stories are much the same, each child has their own history. By the grace of God, these orphaned children came to Arbre de Vie. And it has not been an easy journey for most. Jon and I were talking about that late one night while I was there. The psychology that plays into being a parent to these children and gaining their trust after they've been neglected and not taken care of for so long. The hurt and need of their past is great and devastating…but someone saw them and someone decided to take action. People continue to see the need and take action. Jon and Ashley do this on a daily basis. Volunteers come from all over the US and Europe to do this. Myself, and countless others, continue to do this. Take action. Why? Because the children of Arbre de Vie are our “least of these”.

Their lives have only just begun

and they could be your daughters and your sons.

I have to continue to believe that

God will not let them be defeated.

Every child does have a desire to belong and be loved…

We all do, don’t we?

Boys will be kings.

Girls will be queens.

Wrapped in Your majesty.

When we love the least of these…

Break our hearts once again, help us to remember when

we were only children hoping for a friend.

Won’t you look around?

These are the lives that the world has forgotten.

Waiting for doors of our hearts and our homes to open…

When we love the least of these it is just not their lives that are changed. But if it’s not us, then who will be Jesus to them??? 

Who is your “least of these”?

And what are YOU doing TODAY for them?

I have found my “least of these”.

I have loved them.

I continue to love them.

I have felt their hands.

I have seen their eyes.

I have touched their dark brown skin.

And they have changed my life.

I have seen the bravery of these boys.

I have loved these precious girls.

I am now brave and free because of them.

That’s funny, isn’t it? I think we expect to give others so much, but ultimately in giving it is US who is changed in the process. I think that’s the way it’s supposed to be...

They don’t need me…

But I sure need them.

I can only hope and pray that through my love and support, they will become more brave and experience freedom in a different and new way. The way God intended.

And the boys will be kings.

And the girls will be queens.

And they will find victory because they have found Life and they have felt Love...

 I was hungry & you fed me,

I was thirsty & you gave me a drink,

I was homeless & you gave me a room,

I was shivering & you gave me clothes,

I was sick & you stopped to visit,

I was in prison & you came to me.

Then the King will say, “I’m telling you the truth: 

Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, 

that was me – you did it to me.” 

((Matthew 25))

What are you doing today to be the hands and feet of Jesus to someone in need? It doesn't have to be orphaned children in West Africa, but it needs to be someone. It's what we're called to do. Give. Take action. And continue to give. And continue to take action. It makes life so, so sweet.

reality.

If tears could get me back to Benin, I would be well on my way there this morning. I woke up so sad. And then, after seeing pictures posted of the kids, I got even more sad and angry and jealous, if the truth be told. And this is my blog, so I’ll tell the truth. I’m not working today, which is nice but has created this monster of emotion all before 9 o’clock in the morning. I have been so extremely busy since I got back to the States, which has been nice and awful all at the same time. We are seeing a record number of patients at the office every day and I am consumed with sick children or well child checks from 8-5 (sometimes later) every week day and it doesn’t leave much time to think about any of this. But, I woke up this morning and it was all fresh on my mind. Or my heart I guess. I’m sitting here at my kitchen table in Broken Arrow and I’m just sad. My time in Benin was precious over Christmas. But if truth be told, and once again this is my blog so I’ll tell my truth, I feel like I wasn’t even there. I mean, that’s a retarded statement I know, because I’ve seen the same pictures and I have these sweet memories, but my days there were a whirlwind and it was just much, much different than when I was there last Spring.

Last Spring, I lived there. I was part of daily life and it just became my ordinary for 3 months. And it was a fantastic thing. I LOVED life there! The two weeks I was there over Christmas was not typical, daily life and I think that’s what feels/felt so strange about it all. I love anytime I have with the kids and being there, but since Christmas was so different it just feels like this whirlwind of events with only two days of “normalcy” (not that ANY day at Arbre de Vie is "normal") and then I was leaving to get on a plane to head back to this side of the Atlantic, which is not where I want to be. I want to be living their daily life with them there...

The day I was leaving a few weeks ago was crazy. I mean, every single day is crazy. But this day was a little crazier. Some kids had spent the night at Jon and Ashley’s (Alice, Rosaline, Hubertine, Adolphe & Hubert) and we’d gone to bed late and I woke up early because I just couldn’t sleep. I walked out of my room at Jon and Ashley’s apartment and in the hallway, the 2 boys were sleeping and I just stopped and looked at them for a few minutes and I felt my heart breaking, the first of many heart breaking moments that day. The house needed to be straightened up because another volunteer/friend was arriving on the plane I was leaving on, so we spent some time doing that and the boys went to get bread because we were having a tea party for breakfast that morning. I wanted to be really excited, and I tried, but I was finding it really difficult to sit there and enjoy all of these sweet moments to the ultimate level when my heart was breaking at the thought of being on a plane that night.

The water spiket in the kitchen busted and water was flying everywhere and I had no idea how to fix it so I yell for Ashley to come in, and I can’t remember what I said now but it was really funny and we laughed and there was water all over the place and then I couldn’t get the nozzle back on and the water back on. Once I (and by I, I mean Jon fixed it when he got home…) got the water in the kitchen back in order we realized the water supply for the house wasn’t working so there was no running water in the apartment. Which means, no water for showers, no water for flushing the toilet, no water for washing your hands, no water for brushing your teeth, NO RUNNING WATER! This is common-ish so there is a back-up water container that we can use to take bucket showers with and stuff, but it just added to the chaos of this morning. We finish the fun tea party, the kids and adults equally loved it! I sipped on my last 3in1 coffee and headed to my last bucket shower for who knows when. And again, my heart was really, really sad. The girls were cleaning the kitchen (as best they could with no running water) and we were all taking turns at getting showered up when Jon said Fulbert (their downstairs neighbor who I know well and does a lot for the orphanage) wanted to share a “Last Supper” with me. We didn’t really know what this meant, but I thought it would involve breaking bread and drinking wine and praying and that would be that. There was just a lot to be done and packed up and cleaned up and put up, we headed down to Fulbert’s apartment (all the kids waited up in Jon and Ashley’s apt for us to finish) and there was a full meal waiting for us at the table…

Change of plans! Jon ran up and started a movie for the kids that we hadn’t finished the night before since we were all sleepyheads and came back down to join us for African salad and pop. Now, we had only finished our tea party probably an hour or so before this and I was not hungry. But it’s rude to sit there and not eat at a meal that has been prepared just for you, so I pounded some African salad and we sat there for awhile talking, laughing, and sharing stories. There was a toast that was made and Fulbert said something that really stuck out to me. He was talking about how grateful he was that I would come back to Benin and he knows I love the kids and I work hard to advocate for them when I’m in the States. He said these words (or something to the effect of these words), “I know that your reality is not our reality. And it would be really easy to stay where you are and forget about what you’ve seen and forget about us. But thank you for coming into our reality and trying to change it.” I, of course, had tears in my eyes and thanked him. We took some pictures and loaded up all the kids and headed to the orphanage. It was a quiet ride, on my part especially, and as we pulled up to the orphanage Ashley said, “Tats, you sure are loved here.” Oh buddy, you have no idea how much I realize that...

We hopped out of the car and the kids loaded us up with hugs and greetings. Some were finishing up letters for me to take home with me to mail to people and others were just sitting around not doing much of anything. Everyone was pretty quiet and at one point, I looked over at Ashley in the gazebo and said, “What’s everyone’s deal?? Everyone’s so quiet and blah.” She said, “Well, they’re pissed.” And I just laughed and laughed and tried to make light of a situation that is hard to make light of.

Last Spring, early on in my time in Sakete, I remember having a conversation with Ashley around those same wooden tables….

            Me- “How do people ever leave here? I mean, I’ve been here a few weeks and I could just cry and cry when I think about leaving in May.”

            Ash- “Well, it’s not easy, but what I always tell people is to try not to cry in front of the kids as much as possible. Because it is sad and they are sad too, but they’ve experienced so much loss in their lives that people leaving Benin should not be another loss for them. We try to remember all the fun times and great memories and just be really thankful for those instead of focusing on the goodbye.”

I remembered that conversation in that moment, with all the kids sitting in the chairs and on the tables with sad faces and no one saying much of anything. So I remembered I had some Jolly Ranchers left and I start passing out candy like it’s my job because I couldn’t handle the look in their sweet eyes! And let's be real, candy fixes a lot. :)

I went over to the other gazebo to give some candy out and some of the girls were in there getting their rice for lunch. We start to talk back and forth as best we can and they are saying, “Tata, don’t go.” So I keep saying, “It’s okay. It’s going to be fine. It’s okay.” And Alice looks up at me, stomps her foot and says, “No, it’s not okay.” I laughed and laughed and hugged them and knew I had to pull it together because even though my heart was breaking, I couldn’t let them see my tears. So we snapped lots of pictures. Said our goodbyes. I kissed them all. I hugged them all. And I got in Jon and Ashley’s car to head toward the airport in Cotonou and I honestly felt like it was hard to breathe. I’m not being dramatic, although that sounds dramatic, but my chest was heavy, I thought I was going to vomit and the tears were flowing down my face as we pulled down the drive from the orphanage onto the paved road...

And here I am today, 6,000 miles away, allowing myself to really cry for the first time since then. I feel like the kids...I’m pissed. I am mad and frustrated that I am not there. And this morning, I am trying to allow myself to feel those things fully because I know repressing them does nothing good for anybody. As I laid in bed, crying, feeling angry and jealous and hurt, I made myself get up and pick up my Jesus Calling devotional. I didn't really want to, but I did. And I read just what I needed to read...

“If you believe that I am sovereign over every aspect of your life, it is possible to trust Me in all situations. Don’t waste energy regretting the way things are or thinking about what might have been. Start at the present moment – accepting things exactly as they are – and search for My way in the midst of those circumstances.”

The Lord has a funny way of speaking to me sometimes, especially when I don’t really want to hear what He has to say. Today, I wanted to cry and wallow in my self-induced misery, but instead, I read those words and I let them speak to me. And I decided, once again, that I will not waste my energy being sad, mad, angry, whatever word you want to insert here, about the way things are because I can’t change those. I do believe that He is sovereign over EVERY aspect of my life and I trust Him. I don’t know the next time I will hug their sweet necks and kiss their sweet foreheads, but I trust Him. I don’t know the next time I will be allowed to live their day-to-day life with them, but I trust Him. I don’t know if I’ll work here in Tulsa for the next 20 years of my life and go over and spend time in Benin twice a year or if I’ll one day live in Benin permanently, but I trust Him. I will continue to accept things exactly as they are and seek His will and His way in the midst of all of these feelings and all of these circumstances. Because He’s created a beautiful story with my life up to now and I just can’t wait to see what the next chapters include...I really hope it includes hugging these sweet kids every single day and being covered in red dirt every single day, but I'll be just as happy and He'll be just as sovereign either way.

fear.

i'm sitting at ashley's desk in their apartment, listening to a little girl who lives down stairs sing at the top of her lungs all while blowing a whistle. her name is Beatrice and she is precious. i have spent quite a bit of time with her this trip and she is just the sweetest helper. she came to camp at the orphanage and rode to and from the centre with us each day. her sweet song is blessing my heart this morning.

i woke up around 7 and laid in bed for awhile, just thinking and praying and being sad. i'm really, really sad to be leaving tomorrow night. too sad. i walked out of my room and ashley was already awake, drinking some coffee and one of the first things she said was, "Tats. I'm already too sad." well, that makes two of us then. the kids are all at school today and we'll go to the orphanage around lunchtime, when they all return, and will spend the few hours with them that they're home and then continue to knock some things off of our task list before i leave tomorrow. tonight will be a fun night of games, pictures, and laughter. but right now, it is all a stark contrast for what my heart is feeling. i don't even know if it's my heart, really. it's this pain in my soul, honestly. this gut wrenching ache that has become all too familiar to me since i left here at the end of May. not knowing when i'll be here next. not knowing when i'll hug their necks. kiss their foreheads. laugh with them. be part of their daily life. it's an ache that's honestly unlike anything i've ever experienced before and that feeling is not present when i am here.

there are a lot of unknowns right now. people in the States. people in Benin. people all over ask me continually, "when are you moving to Benin?" "when will you go and stay for awhile?" i don't have the answers to those questions right now. trust me, i wish i did. and i wish i could say, "now." but that is not the answer i have been given at this time. ashley and i were talking about it several days ago and i know it will all become painfully clear at just the right time. or maybe it will never be the plan for my life at all. maybe i will continue to come over here once or twice a year and invest in the kids lives, in jon and ashley, in others lives and go back to the States. i can feel some of you rolling your eyes right now. and i wish it was as plain and clear to me as it seems to be for others who think they see the future of my life. but right now, i do not have these answers to these questions. living here is not as simple as getting on a plane after purchasing a one-way ticket and just enjoying life. living here is difficult, i have witnessed that firsthand through my friendship with jon and ashley over this past year. and being here would require a lot of money being saved up and paperwork being completed and things being in order. but none of those things matter right now because i am still living through a lot of these unknowns.

through all of these things though...this heartache, this sadness, this joy that i have found, the Lord is continuing to prove Himself more than enough for all my needs. i did not think i could leave last time either. i honestly thought getting on that plane would be impossible. it was difficult. but i did it and a day later, landed on the other side of the world and have continued to love these kids and change their lives even from 6,000 miles away. and i know tomorrow night, it will be difficult for me to get on that plane because it just hasn't been long enough. i keep thinking that and laughing to myself because i don't think the time frame would matter...i'm not sure forever would be long enough.

ashley has this quote written out and posted on the back of their bathroom door. i have read it several times a day since i've been here. and these words speak true to my heart today more than any other day...

Fear, his (Satan) mode of operation is to manipulate you with the mysterious, to taunt you with the unknown. Fear of death, fear of failure, fear of God, fear of tomorrow -- his arsenal is vast. His goal? To create cowardly, joyless souls. He doesn't want you to make the journey to the mountain. He figures if he can rattle you enough, you will take your eyes off the peaks and settle for a dull existence in the flatlands. Fear rattles us and keeps us from the significant. We settle for survival, we settle for less than what God has for us. 

i do not know what is next. i know that tomorrow, i will hug the kids and kiss them and say goodbye for now. and leave to go to the States. there are a lot of things i don't know. but i refuse to be crippled by the fear of the unknown. instead, i will continue to daily seek the Lord and know that He will provide all the answers when the answers need to be known. i refuse to settle for a life of dull existence. who really want that anyway? i will seek Him and continue to make the journey to the mountain He has called me to. that mountain is different for everyone. but friends, i can promise you one thing, seeking Him and refusing to be crippled by fear is the only way to live. any other way is truly not living. it is something i found to be so true over the past year and i am thankful for that. thankful that i continue to refuse to allow fear to rattle me and keep me from the significant. all i want is everything God has for me. and every single day i will seek Him as i am on this journey. i just pray that His plans involve these children of Arbre de Vie and the community of Sakete, Benin. but regardless, i will not let fear cripple me. and neither should you. 

just another day...

i apologize for the lack of blogging this trip; life has been absolutely crazy since i arrived and there just has not been much time to sit down and type things out. i also feel like i've had quite a bit of "writer's block", if you will. not sure why...but just haven't known what to say. i feel like it's already been said. i love life here. and love being here. God is continually showing me that this place has become my home. yesterday was quite a crazy day and it's definitely blog worthy. so grab a cup of coffee or ice cold water and sit back and enjoy. it's a wild ride, but promise you'll love these stories!

-------------------- 

Life in Sakete, Benin is just about the craziest thing I’ve ever experienced.

The past several days have been absolutely insane with 60+ kids at the orphanage for camp. They came on December 27^th and left the evening of December 31^st. This meant early mornings and late nights with little sleep in between. New Year’s is quite the celebration in Benin, so Arbre de Vie allows all their hired cooks who typically stay at the orphanage with the kids to go to their homes on December 31^st and they return on January 2^nd. So after all the children left the centre to return to their homes, we all came home and gathered up our stuff to have a sleepover at the orphanage. We rang in the New Year all circled in prayer on the porch of the new dorm and then banged pots and pans and made all sorts of noise! As I stood there holding hands with two beautiful, black African girls my heart was overwhelmed with gratitude to an amazing God who orchestrated this story. Thinking back over the past 12 months and being completely at peace with where I stood in that moment was all I could ask for. I can only hope and pray that I am brave enough over the next 12 months to seek Him daily and follow Him wherever He leads me.

We all had the best time just relaxing and doing things around the house on Tuesday. We crawled into bed on the floor of the new dorm a little earlier on Tuesday night and I know I was thankful that the cooks would be back on Wednesday so I could sleep a little more soundly at Jon and Ashley’s house. Let’s be real though…Africans are just loud in the early hours of the morning and it is just not enjoyable. There are all sorts of animals making noise. In fact, as I’m typing this, there are pigeons making the strangest noises outside the window, another bird up in a tree singing a beautiful song, and chickens hollering all over the red dirt down below. And please don’t forget the mass of boys playing soccer, screaming at one another probably 2 blocks away. Just another day.

So, Wednesday morning we all woke up early at the orphanage. Jon was working with the kids in the garden. Ashley was preparing breakfast. I was cleaning out the Salle de Reunion from camp. Over breakfast, Ashley said, “Tats, we’re going to get the kids settled in with dinner tonight and started on their homework and then we’re going home and going to relax for a little bit and get some rest.” I thought this sounded like just about the best idea ever. Definitely all in for this game plan!

The women were to arrive back at the orphanage around 4 and we were planning on being to Jon and Ashley’s house about 7 or so. This is what we get for planning…

Ashley and I came to their house quickly around noon for her to workout, us to shower, and me to upload some pictures for the Arbre de Vie Facebook page. We got back to the centre around 2 and on our way back up the cement road that leads to the orphanage we noticed that there was a boy, probably about 14 years old, sitting on the edge of the road right by the centre in the shade. Ashley stopped and asked him what he was doing, but he didn’t speak French and we drove up to the orphanage, assuming that he was probably waiting for a ride from someone who would be to get him shortly.

We got up to our property at the orphanage and there was plenty to do. The boys were working out back with Jon. Everyone was finishing up lunch. Ashley and I made ourselves some gari and we were alone in the gazebo area, talking about life and things that needed to be done at the orphanage. We had brought some laundry to do and it was our plan to do that with the girls after we got done with lunch. I went up to the new dorm with all the kids to empty out the tables and chairs so we could set life back up down at the old house since the new dorm isn’t quite ready to move in yet…I was up with all the kids and they were coming back and forth for about two times and then I noticed I was alone in the Salle de Reunion for a few minutes. I look out the door and see all the kids peering over the side of the gazebo and Ashley sitting down on the step. It’s quite a distance from the new dorm to the gazebo area where everyone was so I couldn’t quite make out what was happening. I walked down there and that boy from the side of the road was up in the middle of the circle and everyone was talking to him. Augustin was translating for Ashley since this boy doesn’t speak or understand French and the story became clear that this boy had no where to go. He was taken from his mom by his dad and put to work with a homebuilder. He became sick and could no longer work for sometime, so his uncle took him in and cared for him but then his dad refused for his uncle to support him any longer and essentially the boy ran away from the uncle’s house. This boy wasn’t sure how old he even was, but once again, appeared to be around 14, but age is hard to guess here due to malnutrition. Children often look much younger than they actually are. Ashley quickly called Mathias who said he was on his way over to the centre to meet with her and this boy and figure out which step should be taken next. The boy had a mother and a father, but had been taken from his mother some time ago…

We finish up clearing out the Salle de Reunion and I get started on laundry with the girls. Ashley was like, “Tats. We got all sorts of stuff going on right now!” I could easily handle the laundry and I got set up with the girls in the back of the new dorm and we all set up an assembly line to handwash some clothes and all our sheets from staying at the orphanage the past 2 nights. The girls and I were talking and singing and then heard Femi screaming for us. We all walk up to the terrace and all the boys are yelling for us to come down to the kitchen / gazebo area again. I start walking down the hill and I see two white people walking up the hill with bicycles. Now, let’s be real. It is not everyday you just see two white people in West Africa. Especially in Sakete…so to say I was quite surprised was an understatement. I quickly gathered some details, amongst all the children introducing themselves and greeting these visitors. This couple, Megan and Andrew, are from the Boston area and are working for a NGO in Nigeria. They were off for the holidays and decided to bike along the coast from Nigeria to Benin and they were on their way back to Nigeria and Jon saw them down at the market area in Sakete when he was on his way back to the orphanage after going home when Ashley and I arrived at the orphanage that afternoon. He asked if they were Americans and told them where the orphanage was if they wanted to stop by for a rest and a cold shower. They quickly jumped at the opportunity and found their way to us! It was quite a surprise, but a welcomed one. It was nice to meet them and have them there. I had to laugh though, because our plans for the evening had already quickly changed with the arrival of this runaway boy and these American visitors…

While we were all gathered to greet them, a man and woman came up our drive on a motorcycle. Attached to the woman’s back was an infant, who is around 8 months old. The father had written to Arbre de Vie several months ago requesting assistance for this child. She had been born with a large growth off her sacral area (bottom for non-medical friends) and he was needing money to get testing and surgical removal of this growth. They had set up an appointment to come by to meet with Ashley and Mathias and it just happened that they came immediately after our two bicyclist friends came to the centre. So off Ashley and Mathias were to tend to them and their needs and Jon was showing the new guests around the orphanage’s property. I came up to the gazebo and listened to them talk, and then examined the baby. I have never seen a growth like the one she had before. It is obviously a tumor of some sort. She still is able to pee and poop normally, but this growth is very large. (After a little research last night online, I am fairly positive she has a sacrococcygeal teratoma, Google this for pictures…) She is extremely small and after talking with her parents, it was found that her mom was not able to nurse her because she essentially goes crazy and is completely out of her head after having children. Therefore, the baby was not breastfed she was given this porridge type drink and that’s all she’s had for the past 8 months. She probably weighs about 12 pounds and is obviously very developmentally delayed. She reminded me of a 2 month old…would smile and coo, but could not hold up her head well and was just very, very thin. After talking with them for several minutes, Ashley and I talked and thought that get her started on some formula would be the best thing to do first. There is a doctor at the hospital in Sakete, the medical director of the hospital actually, who has agreed to do the surgery for the removal of this growth but to date, no diagnostic tests have been done of this tumor. No ultrasounds. No x-rays. No scans. Zip. Nada. Nothing. The family has to come up with approximately $200 US dollars up front before the doctors will even look at her. They have said they would start everything on Monday, January 7^th if the family can come up with the money. They have some, but were seeking assistance from Arbre de Vie for the rest of the sum that is needed. I was holding this baby, who’s name is Grace, and my heart was just so sad. It’s a feeling I’ve, unfortunately, grown accustom to with medical situations here. A total feeling of helplessness and knowing what should be done for this baby, but that is not an option because she was born here. In West Africa to a poor family that cannot afford the care and treatment that is necessary for this growth to be removed. From what I could find last night, the success rate of the resection of this tumor in developed countries is great and children grow up to live very normal lives, typically. But I just do not think this will be the case for sweet baby Grace…Mathias and I ran to the pharmacy to get some formula and bottles for her and instructed the family to feed her this as often as she’ll take it. But that she needs at least 3-4 oz every 2-3 hours. I attempted to feed her a bottle but she doesn’t know how to suck since they have just been putting the porridge in her mouth and she’s had to swallow, she no longer knows how to suck properly. Jon relayed how important it was for her to get this formula for the nutritional value and Ashley will go to the hospital next week while she is in the hospital to check on the family and see what game plan the team of doctors in Sakete can come up with…last night as I laid down in bed I just got so sad that I won’t be here next week to help with baby Grace. I love my life in the States. I have a job that honestly is such a gift from God, I cannot thank Him enough for allowing me to call Milestones Pediatric Care my work home. I love my patients and I love providing the best care possible to them and their families. But I love life here too. I love holding sweet babies who do not stand a chance and praying over them and assisting their families to get whatever help they need. And feeling at the end of the day that I really did something that mattered. Impacted a life, a family, a situation in a way that could change their life forever…

Tata and Baby Grace

Sweet baby girl.

I didn’t have a lot of time to think about this at the time because the family got on their moto and left and it was time for the next task at hand. Mathias and Ashley were going to the police station to talk to them about this boy who had showed up after running away from his uncle’s house. He had been on the road for 6 days and his uncle lives fairly far away. But his mother and grandmother live here in Sakete. So we started with our local brigade and went from there. I asked if I could tag along because all of our kids were taking showers and getting ready for dinner and I had never been to the police station before…all about trying to cram every experience in! So, of course, Ashley said I could come and off we went. We walked in and were warmly greeted by the officers and the Chief. We told him the story, and by we I mean Mathias and Ashley…I sat there on the bench and listened as they were speaking French and translating in and from Goun for the little boy…the officer issues a demand for the mother to come to the station. But, the officers don’t go find her…Nope, we go find her. So, off we go to search for this woman, who this boy hadn’t seen in years. He remembered where her old house was, so we took some major backroads to get to her house but it was vacant and her neighbors said she was in town  (where we had just came from) with her mother, the boy’s grandmother. So we found his grandmother’s shop and pretty soon Mathias and the boy got back in the car with us and this time they were accompanied by his mother.

Off to the police station we returned. I was starving by this point. It was well after 7pm and I just remember thinking when we pulled onto the main road toward the police station that I couldn’t wait to get back to the orphanage to pound some rice. Well, we turn off the cement road, onto the red dirt road that the police station is on and there is a MOB of people on that road. Blocking the way. I’m in the back seat, peering up front…”What in the world is going on?” And Ashley and Mathias are talking and we quickly realize that there are two people in the center of the mob, carrying large sacks of corn on their heads. Mathias quickly tells Ashley to honk her horn to get around the mob, because they are obviously on their way to the police station and we obviously need to beat them there or else we will be waiting FOREVER to get this situation taken care of. Ashley starts going around the motos and people and the mob stops, one of the men on one of the motos yells, “Maman!” And we look over, thinking who in the world in this mob could know Ashley?? And sure enough, one of the men leading these men to the police station was Ashley and Jon’s neighbor. “Papa Joel!” And before I know what’s happening, Papa Joel has gotten off his moto and starts hitting one of the men with a stick because he had stopped walking and had put the corn down on the ground. These men had been caught stealing in Jon and Ashley’s neighborhood and it is just custom here that when people are caught stealing…they definitely pay for it. These men were stealing corn and the people in the neighborhood, along with their elected delegate, were bringing them to the station. They had already done quite a bit of damage and the men had walked well over a mile from the neighborhood they stole from to the police station with the 50kg of corn on their heads the whole way. In villages, the punishment can get quite intense by the local people. In Sakete, the locals will perform some punishment but then typically take them to the brigade for further punishment to ensue.

We got to the police station first and Mathias, the boy, the mom and I jumped out of the car while Ashley parked. We were again greeted warmly and started getting the full story from the mom. So much was happening and I was just standing in the corner listening to them speak in Goun and Mathias translate it back to French for Ashley and I honestly think my eyes were popping out of my head. Which I always try to make s conscious effort for that NOT to happen…but this situation warranted some gawking. Here came these 2 thieves, with welts all over their bodies, swollen eyes, being mocked by the people who caught them stealing from them all the while holding these huge sacks of corn on their heads. It was just a lot to take in! Mathias looked up at me and said to Ashley, “Oh Tata. She sure is seeing a lot today!”

It was decided that today there would be a hearing between the boy’s mother and the boy’s father’s mother (his grandmother that was apparently supposed to be keeping him) and an arrangement for him would be made. The mother is wanting to take him and care for him, but the police are wanting to get the full story from the father’s family as well. The sweet boy was crying as we left, and the police reassured us all that they would take good care of him and the situation would be handled. We got back in the car and headed home to the orphanage. What a crazy few hours!

We pulled up and I had forgotten about our two new friends from America, who were sitting outside waiting for dinner. The kids were just finishing up studying and preparing to eat. Mathias had pulled Jon aside and was telling him the whole story about what all had happened and I was getting my plate of paute and sauce to eat when I heard a gun shot. What in the world??!

Well, there are two men who guard the orphanage at night while the kids are sleeping. They have these jankity, homemade guns and one of the knuckleheads had fired it off. Seriously? I thought Jon was going to come out of his skin. Mathias and him run over there, confiscate the guns from the guardians and fire them immediately and send them on their way. It obviously didn’t all happen that quickly, but ultimately, they left and the older guardian came back later to apologize for his counterpart shooting off the gun. He will come by today sometime to apologize to Jon personally…but I just don’t think he’ll be offered a job back as guardian of the orphanage anytime soon.

After dinner, Jon took Megan and Andrew back to the house for them to get situated because they were going to spend the night in Sakete before getting on the road again to bike back toward Nigeria. I started giggling so hard up at one of the tables while the kids were studying that I could hardly contain myself. I mean, really? Had this all just happened in a matter of 10 hours?

And then I couldn’t help but smile and think just how much I love all of the crazy. Every last bit of it. Even though we sure did want to be at home, relaxing on Jon and Ashley’s couch watching Duck Dynasty Season 1 on DVD, there is no place else I’d rather have been. It’s all so crazy. But it’s all so great. And so fulfilling. And so unbelievable all at the same time. And just so, so great.

And today, I still can’t really believe it all happened because it just sounds nuts. But it’s just a day in the life of what I love most. Sure do love this craziness and my heart is just really sad today at the thought of leaving it all in 48 hours...