wrecked.

This is the start of my 4^th full week in benin.

how insanely crazy is that?

(i wish so badly you could hear the laughter that accompanied this picture)

when i think about it, It’s strange to me how simple the transition of being here has been.

Many different things feed into this simple transition…but mainly, I know it’s because this is exactly where I’m supposed to be. And exactly what I’m supposed to be doing right now. In fact, I have never been more confident of anything.

To be brutally honest, the time is passing far too fast. The days are long here, but the weeks are flying by. I cannot believe it’s already thursday…

this week has been fun and busy and challenging and full of laughter and randomness. 

Just like every other week has been…

perfect.

(damien & bernard)

I made a vow to myself when I came on this journey to truly live and be fully present for each moment. That has not been a difficult promise to keep. The experience of being here has been the best experience I have ever had. God is truly renewing my spirit. But I am finding that He is also wrecking my life at the same time. I will never be the same.

(daniel)

When I left the US I sent out a mass text to all my closest friends and family before my plane took off the runway in New York. (Although, I shouldn’t have rushed off the phone since my plane had to sit on the runway for hours because president obama was there…randomly. The weirdest things happen to me!) a reply I got back from my friend Jonathan said something along the lines of, “have the best time. Be wreckless!”

Jonathan knows me well. He is my best friend’s husband and has witnessed lots of crazy Jill moments. He has seen me cry, he has heard me laugh to the point of tears, he has supported my antics and endured countless hours of me stealing his wife away from him. The words he wrote me stuck with me. Through the flight. Through my first days here. Through learning how to drive my dang moto. Through loving the ones I interact with everyday. His words have haunted me.

Be wreckless.

The first time I drove the moto by myself down a bumpy red dirt road, I kept repeating in my head…’be brave! Be wreckless!”

(oh cosmo! he's coming home with me, don't worry.)

a few days ago, I started a book a friend gave me by a girl named Katie Davis. I don’t know much about Katie, and I am still in the first few chapters of the book. But she is in her early twenties and lives in Uganda where she is in the process of adopting 13 girls.

She is their mom. Not only does she care for these orphaned girls, but she is also the director of a ministry that reaches hundreds of other children in the community she lives in.

In the introduction of her book, “kisses from Katie”, she talks about how God totally wrecked her life on her first visit to Uganda in 2007. I know the experience is quite the same for Ashley as well. Her first visit to Benin changed her forever. She learned about Arbre de Vie and their ministry here and the life she had always known was changed forever.

I am not sure what all this means for me yet. But I do know a few things. God places desires and passions in our hearts for a reason. And those desires and passions and dreams should be carried out to the best of our ability. But before we can carry out those things, we have to surrender what we thought our lives should look like to Him.

(moise)

My friend, spencer green, passed away from cancer in the fall of 2007. I met him my junior year of college. And his legacy and story changed my life. His life impacted and continues to impact countless people. His passion was music and he was an extremely gifted writer and musician.

The other day while I was reading in my room here in benin, one of his songs came on as my itunes was on shuffle. His song, “sweet surrender” perfectly depicts the struggle I have felt in recent months. And also the overwhelming peace my soul has felt in surrendering. It is amazing what can happen when you open your life and your heart to something greater than yourself. It is amazing what can happen when you surrender and pray for a wrecked life.

(ryan. spencer. scott.)

It’s like sweet surrender…

It’s like the warmest pair of jeans frayed just around the seams 

that you’ve been waiting for

it’s like the day that finally comes when you don’t have to run 

cause there’s a love you cannot ignore

It’s like the light that’s in her eyes

that dances like fireflies in the southeast texas nights

It’s like the windows all rolled down 

and music is all around 

and your worries are far behind

Your worries are far behind.

All any of us can do is surrender. Daily.

Whether you’re grumpy about going to work.

Upset with your kids.

Frustrated with a grade.

Elated about new love.

Anxious about tomorrow.

Haunted by the past.
amazed by grace.

Happy for a new start.

All we can do is sweetly surrender our everyday lives.

and in that surrendering, our lives as we know them will be wrecked and changed forever.

I don’t know about you but I am praying for a wrecked life friends.

Jesus, wreck my life. Shatter it to pieces. 

Then put it back together more beautifully than I could ever imagine.