Bonne Arrivée Tats!

The past few days have most definitely been a whirlwind. In the best possible way.

I arrived in Cotonou, Benin on Saturday night around 8:30pm local time. The next hour was spent going through the process to enter the country and then waiting for my bags. I had arrived to Brussels from Chicago very early on Saturday morning, so my bags were obviously some of the first ones on the plane. Therefore, they were the last ones off the plane! I had a little Beninese helper. Men work at the airport for a living gathering people’s bags and taking them to their car for them. I felt bad for the guy! We just kept waiting and waiting. I finally got all 4 bags that equaled 200 pounds total and we were on our way through to the next room where they can search your bags if necessary and also make sure that your baggage claim tickets match the numbers on your bags. This helps decrease theft. One of my bags was of course chosen to search and I just laughed. I told the guard, “You’re not going to fine anything in there except clothes for a bunch of orphans in Sakete.” He say, “Oh! Ok. It’s fine. It’s fine.” And then tried to coax me into staying in Cotonou with him and not going to Sakete. No thank you sir. I have got an agenda to keep and you are most definitely not part of it!

Typically you walk out of this room with the guards in it into a large gathering room that loved ones are waiting in. This large room was completely empty! I look up at the clock. 9:22pm. Well, sure hope Ashley and Jon didn’t get tired of waiting for me and leave me. They were waiting outside where everyone has to wait now and could see me the whole time. I guess my face said it all! I kept walking toward the exit door and saw a mob of people gated off at the entrance. Still have my little helper guy with me pushing 2 of my bags on a cart and I have the other 2. I finally see Ashley first. Her little 5 foot nothing body is jumping up and down waving and waving. Then I see Jon and before I know it Mathias was right in front of me, busting through the crowd to hug his Tats. The second I saw Ashley jumping up and down I felt it. Home. I had felt it quite a few times within the last hour….

Butterflies in my stomach when the plane landed in Cotonou…

Being overtaken by the muggy, thick air when I walked out of the plane…

Hearing French…

Greeting everyone you pass with a “Hello!” or a “How are you?”…

And then Ashley, Jon and Mathias standing right there in front of me. I just kept saying over and over again, “I Cannot believe I am here right now!” It almost felt like a dream.

Some of the kids were on their way to Cotonou from Sakete to greet me at the airport and there was a problem with the taxi they were in. They arrived at the airport soon after I got out to the car and I just felt like I couldn’t get my arms around them fast enough. They had on their t-shirts I had made for them, all matching and just so darn cute I could hardly stand it!!!

We all left the airport to make the 2 hour drive to Sakete. We stopped by the orphanage on our way into town. It was midnight by this point and the kids were fast asleep! One of our cooks was waiting up and ran out to hug me. I went up to the house and woke up all the sleepyheads. Pretty sure most of them thought they were each dreaming. I was kissing them all over the place. Hugging them. Couldn’t get enough!

Jon took me up to show me the dorm. It’s so incredible. It was amazing, even by flashlight. All I could keep thinking is, when I was here this spring we broke ground on this project. And now, it’s this huge, fantastic home!! When I arrived last time that land was the soccer field and now it’s where the children will all soon be living. I was overwhelmed with gratefulness to be part of all of that. To be part of any of it, really.

How did I get so lucky?

To know these people. To know these kids. To be given the opportunity to help make their lives a little better. To be given the opportunity to love them. And to have them love me. And to have them make my life a whole lot better.

How did I get so lucky?

I am not sure, but that night when we arrived at Jon and Ashley’s apartment and I laid down for the first time in 2 days, my heart was overwhelmed with joy. I’m not sure how I got so lucky, but that night under the cool fan and dark sky of Sakete, Benin…my heart felt at home and I just felt extremely, extremely lucky to have this all be part of my story. 

(ash asked damien, "Did you find your Tata?"; he answered with a sleepy, "Yes!" and squeezed my neck a little tighter.)

Never Once

scars and struggles on the way

but with joy our hearts can say

yes, our hearts can say

never once did we ever walk alone

never once did You leave on us our own

You are faithful

God, You are faithful

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I am sitting in a comfy black, pleather sofa at the airport in Brussels, Belgium. A sunglass hut is in front of me with flip flips for sale out front. I was just sitting here thinking, "Why in the world are they selling flip flops in Belgium in December? It's cold out there". And then I quickly remember, I am in the "Africa" terminal. And let's be real, Africans love a good pair of flip flops. I know this firsthand. 

The past 36 hours are pretty foggy in my mind. There has been panic, laughter, tears, anxiety, restlessness, hugs, short tempers, peace, joy, sorrow...these are some of the emotions I have experienced since Thursday evening.

It all started with the "blizzard" in Chicago and talk of grounding flights, etc. I was set to fly in and out of Chicago on Friday to get to Brussels to make my flight to Cotonou. Usually delayed or grounded flights don't cause too much pandemonium but I freaked OUT when my parents told me at dinner on Thursday night that the news said Chicago O'Hare was grounding a lot of flights. I jumped up from the table in a panic. It wouldn't be that big of a deal, except flights only go into Cotonou, Benin from Brussels twice a week. So if i missed the flight in on Saturday, there would be no WAY I'd be there in time for Christmas. I was such a stress ball and so anxious. I got in the car to drive home because I wanted to call the airline and just burst into tears in the car. Kelli and Krystle were quick to assure me that everything would work out fine and sweet Evie was worried about her Tata being sad. The airline couldn't do much of anything. All flights were full. Plan was to pray the snow stopped and get to the Tulsa airport on Friday morning and pray all my flights were on time.

Thursday night was a mess of packing my 200 pounds of luggage and making sure no bag was over 50 pounds. I'm honestly not sure what I would have done without Kelli and Krystle there to help. Kelli and Evie flew in to surprise me on Thursday morning and Kelli's mad packing skills were very much appreciated. I probably just would have sat in my living room, overwhelmed, not packing, watching Elf and eating some comfort food that I shouldn't have been eating. But instead, all the packing was done by 10pm and I was in bed by 11:30pm. Fast asleep by midnight and pumped about 7 hours of sleep before the long 30 hour journey ahead of me.

I woke up at 3:45 to go to the bathroom and happened to look at my phone. I had emailed Jon and Ashley before going to sleep to let them know about the snow and possible plane mishap in Chicago, just so they'd be aware in case this Tata couldn't make the flight...I noticed that my nephew, Ryan, had tagged me in a post on Facebook at 3:30 and pulled up my Facebook app to see why in the world he was awake at 3:30am on a school night. The picture never pulled up. But the caption read something like, "guys, my house is burning down." I leapt out of bed and threw on a hoodie, my Uggs and bolted out of the house. My brother and sister-in-law do not live far from me and I rounded the corner to turn down their street and could see lights flashing. My heart was pounding. 

I had to park fairly far away from their house because the street was lined with firetrucks. A fireman was walking toward me, wrapping up a hose and I screamed, "IS THE FIRE OUT?". I didn't wait for him to answer. "THIS IS MY BROTHER'S HOUSE. HAVE YOU SEEN DOUG? DO YOU KNOW DOUG?". He gestured toward the house and said, "Everyone is fine. Doug was just over there. I just walked past him." Doug was walking toward me and he wrapped is arm around me. "Oh my word. What happened? Doug, are the boys okay? Is everyone ok?" He assures me, just as his fellow firefighter had, that everyone was fine. But that it is very, very bad. 

He had laid in bed with his wife and youngest son, Jake, and they fell asleep. So he got out of bed around 10pm and went to watch TV on the couch and fell asleep out there. Around midnight, he wakes up to this loud popping and it took him only seconds to realize what was happening. I am sure it's a sound he knows all too well, since he fights fires for a living. His house was on fire. He ran to the front of the house where Ryan's room is and as Ryan tells it Doug "busted through the door". He had to get his family out. He pulls Ryan out of bed, "Buddy, our house is on fire." They run to get Carma and Jake up. He hears Carma's cousin and her husband (who live across the street from them) screaming for them to wake up and get out of the house and they go out the backdoor that is attached to their master bedroom, they don't even have shoes on. A phone call is made to 911 on the porch and they run around the opposite end of the house to the street. Before that, they realize their dog isn't with them. So Doug goes back in the house and searches for him but by that time the smoke was too thick in the living room and he knew he needed to get out of there fast. He couldn't find Riley.

Jake, my 10-year-old nephew, told my mom and dad that he was running so fast over to David and Robbie's house that his feet never even touched the ground. They find shelter there but had to run by their home, engulfed in flames on the way there. A sight I know they will never, ever be able to forget. 3 different BA Fire Stations responded to the fire and were amazing in the entire process. I stopped my brother at this point in the story, as he's telling me it standing out on the street at 4 in the morning and said, "Oh please tell me they found Riley..."

For those of you who know this bunch, you know Jake Garrett loves that puppy dog. He was beside himself at the thought of him being stuck in the house and was wrapped up in my dad's arms on David and Robbie's couch crying when a fireman came in their house holding a soaking wet Riley. He was just fine. By the time I got into the house, he was fast asleep on the same couch but jumped up to greet me. No PTSD for that fella.

The loss is devastating. Really. All their belongings, gone. But I just kept sitting there, thanking God, that everyone was okay. Perfectly fine, for that matter. And that not one person had suffered any injury. It is just truly amazing that my brother was home that night and had fallen asleep on the couch. I can't even begin to let my mind wander to how different this scenario could have turned out.

As I got on my flight from Tulsa to Chicago, I turned on my iPod and it was on shuffle. The very first song that came on was a song by Matt Redman, "Never Once". We sing this song often at LifeChurch and it has quickly become one of my favorite worship songs. Some of the lyrics are at the top and bottom of this post. And they speak to my heart this morning as I'm sitting in the airport just like they spoke to me yesterday on the airplane and just like they do every time I sing them at church. Scars and struggles are on the way. We all face struggles. We all face situations that leave us scarred and broken and hurt. But my heart can always say, never ONCE did I ever walk alone through any scar or struggle I've endured. Never ONCE did He leave me on my own. He is faithful. Such a faithful God. And this morning I am thankful that He was faithful in protecting four of my favorite people on this earth.

We never walk alone friends. 

He will never leave us on our own.

We can turn our backs on Him. 

We can choose to not follow Him. 

But He remains faithful.

And this morning, in front of the Sunglasses Hut in Brussels, Belgium, I am so thankful for His continued faithfulness.

What can you be thankful for today? 

How is the Lord showing Himself faithful to you?

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every step we are breathing in Your grace

evermore we'll be breathing out Your praise

You are faithful

God, You are faithful

You Hold.

i'm currently sitting at my kitchen table in Oklahoma crying.
which, is not the best sign. honestly. i don't want to be an emotional wreck the next 48 hours!
i just watched this video one of my friends posted on Facebook and i started crying. CRYING!
i was a little tearful before watching the video, i'll be honest.

i bought an external hard drive last night to put all my pictures on from iPhoto. i have pictures on here that date back to 2005 and it takes up a lot of room on my MacBook. i decided it would be best to get all my pictures saved before heading back over to Benin tomorrow so my computer is working at optimal speed in a not so optimal setting. i was looking through some of the pictures as i transferred them over and a picture from Christmas 2008 jumped out at me. it's of my mom and dad with all 4 of their grandkids and it's precious. then i start thinking about how much each of the kids has changed in just 4 short years. and then i get sad that i won't be able to take a picture of them all together this Christmas.

 ((2008.))

that emotion quickly fled as other pictures came across my screen that brought up other memories. laughter. love. life.
and then i came across last Christmas' pictures.
my oh my. how much changes in 12 short months.

last december i had just finished graduate school. christmas was a whirlwind of parties, a graduation celebration, family Christmas, working at the Children's hospital, Candlelight Christmas Eve services, Christmas miracles (getting cancelled from work on Christmas eve!) and minimal sleep. i don't remember disliking any of it, i'm sure i enjoyed it all quite a bit. but all of that would leave me feeling very unfulfilled this year. because, a lot has changed in the past 12 months.

sure, i am sad about not being with my family for Christmas. but Christmas is crazy for the Gibson clan this year!! GG is in Germany with my uncle Raymond, aunt Bobbie and cousins (Julie, David and Carly). Claire is dancing on Saturday at the Texas state football championship game in Dallas at the Cowboy's stadium. people are coming and going. and i am getting on a plane tomorrow to go back to west Africa. a place that has my heart. my whole heart.

and this time last year, i couldn't have foreseen any of this. could not have even DREAMED any of this up, but it's happening. because when you surrender your life to what the Lord is calling you to...your life is no longer your own. so that's why i am not spending Christmas morning opening presents in my parent's living room and that's why i'm not going to a candlelight service at a wealthy church and singing Silent Night. i will be having my own version of "Silent Night" that won't be so silent because roosters wake up early and Beninese people are making all sorts of noise before sunrise, but i am ready to make some new Christmas memories. and i am thankful, that no matter if i'm in Broken Arrow, Germany or Benin, i serve a God who holds the whole universe and loves everyone on this earth.

((2012.))

Phil Phillips & Paw Paw

It doesn’t happen often. Especially anymore. What with me being here longer and being away from there longer…but today, it has happened twice. That very strange feeling when people around me are talking about something that has happened and I have absolutely no idea what they’re talking about. Or situations arise and I feel totally disconnected from moments loved ones experienced.

Today, I was sitting in the office and Hannah, Dr. Henley’s oldest daughter, was sitting at the other desk working on some things. She comes at least one morning each week, typically Tuesday, and will work on various projects. She usually sets up shop in my office at an empty desk that is in there for just that purpose. I leave my Pandora station on most days playing through my iPad. I’m not in the office much, especially since my days are getting busier seeing patients, but I am always sure to put on the Needtobreathe Pandora station on days Hannah is there. She has made mention that she loves that band and truth be told, I do too. Today, I was in there between patients working on some paperwork and this song came on. I listened to it for a minute or so and said… “Who is this? I really like this song!” She blurts out quickly, “Oh, that’s Phil Phillips. Remember? He won American Idol.” I start thinking to myself…Phil Phillips? I have never even heard that NAME. And I am certain I have never heard any songs by him. Or at least that I know of…I begin thinking I’m crazy, how can I possibly not remember that this guy was on American Idol. Then it hits me. “Was he the winner this spring?” She thinks, “Yeah, he was.” Well…there you have it. I have no idea what happened in America as a whole this spring, much less American Idol. We laughed about that. And she mentioned the fact that she thought that was kind of cool and I agreed. I have found it is nice to have no idea what’s going on in this culture…

((this is who I was listening to instead of Phil. my boys loving their Tata.))

Last Saturday night I was recovering from not feeling well and had not done much of anything all weekend. I looked awful and decided to go over to Blackie and Nancy’s to watch the OU / Kansas football game with them. Because, let’s be real, if your parents can’t love you when you’re sick and looking terrible, who can? It was nice to just relax and be with them, something I am learning to appreciate more and more. The game was a blowout, so after we ate dinner I started cleaning out a few of my mom’s cabinets. Now, without completing blasting Nancy to my blog readers I will simply say this…my mom (and dad) have a lot of stuff. A lot of things. But, my mom has made a conscious effort in recent months to decrease the things and stuff in their home. It’s admirable and I am willing to help out! (Heck, if Nancy cleans it now it’s less stuff Kim, Carma and I have to clean out when Nancy dies. Just being real. Thanks mom!) So in one of the drawers I was helping organize, we found a disposable camera. All the pictures had been taken. Zip. Zero left on the camera. My grandma, Myrna, mom and I laughed thinking about what could possibly be on this roll of film. Honestly, the possibilities were ENDLESS. I took the disposable camera to Walgreens tonight to get developed and just picked up the prints several minutes ago.

The prints were from a trip that my mom and grandma took down to Austin and from time they spent with my aunt and uncle. I’m honestly not sure when this was exactly. My youngest cousin, David, was in college at Texas A&M and there are many pictures from around campus of different family members with David. My aunt’s dad was also with them for this trip. He is known to his loving grandchildren (and numerous others) as Paw Paw. He was not my grandpa, I am blessed with two amazing grandfathers of my own, but he sure was a Paw Paw to me as well, even though we are family through marriage.

Paw Paw died from a sudden illness on March 21. I left for Benin on March 19. I remember the first phone call I had with my mom when I arrived in Benin. It was late, so so late in Sakete. I had just gotten to the guesthouse and Jon, Ashley and Katinka were helping to get me settled. I called my mom to let her know I’d arrived safely after being disconnected from the world for literally 48 hours. In those 48 hours, Paw Paw had become very ill and was on life-support when I spoke to my mom. I remember standing out in the dark courtyard, a place so foreign to me at the time, practically screaming on the phone to Nancy because I couldn’t hear her and I also couldn’t really make sense of it all. What? He had just relayed a sweet message to me last week about how proud of me he was and how excited he was for me and my upcoming adventure in Africa. What do you mean they don’t think he’s going to make it?

He is honestly one of the sweetest men I’ve ever met. It is a privilege to have known him. And I am a better person because of the legacy he left behind in his sweet daughter, my precious Aunt Bobbie. And tonight, that whole circumstance hit me like a ton of bricks in the Walgreens parking lot. Paw Paw is no longer here. These pictures, these now precious, precious pictures, provided a lesson for me tonight.

I am still not sure what my future relationship will look like with Arbre de Vie. I know for as long as I’m in the United States, I will talk about these kids and their parents and the people who work for them. I will advocate for them. Raise awareness. And raise money for them. But I feel the Lord is preparing me for a longer stint in Benin. In Sakete. With these children. With Jon and Ashley. I feel that is what the Lord is calling me to and I don’t have a timeframe or any idea what that will ultimately look like, but I am trusting the Lord every single day.

But then moments like tonight happen. And moments like today. I think about how much I will miss out on. I think about how much Jon and Ashley are missing out on by choosing to live in Benin, West Africa to be the parents to the children at the orphanage. And I think about the almost 3 months I spent there this spring. Sure, I may not know who won American Idol. And I may not be able to hug my sweet cousin’s necks when they are hurting because their Paw Paw died suddenly and they are grieving. But I have to come to the point in my life and in my walk with the Lord to decide that those things do not matter to me. And that may sound harsh. (Not the Phil Phillips part.) But it is reality. And it should be reality for all of us. Anyone who calls themselves a follower of Christ…

Luke 14:26, Jesus is speaking:

“If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison -  your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters – yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple. If you do not carry your own cross and follow me, you cannot be my disciple.” (NLT)

“Anyone who comes to me but refuses to let go of father, mother, spouse, children, brothers, sisters – yes, even one’s own self! – can’t be my disciple. Anyone who won’t shoulder his own cross and follow behind me can’t be my disciple.”

And I will admit, this is a struggle. I know it was a difficult decision and still is for Jon and Ashley as well. But they have chosen a life that is not easy, by any means. But it is the life God has called them to. And I am not sure what my future looks like, none of us are, but I am trying daily to surrender everything to Him. My friends. My family. My home. My car. My life. My insurance. My 401k. My future plans. It has to be His. Any other way of living is just not really living at all…

 

red special birthday plate.

today has been a difficult day. if i'm being quite honest with you all, it has been extremely difficult. for a variety of reasons and due to several very different factors; today has just been a hard, long day. and actually quite random.
i'm not entirely sure what started it all out.
maybe it's the fact that i am supposed to leave my house at 7:35 for work and i woke up at 7:22 this morning because the volume on my alarm had been turned all the way down. awesome.
maybe it's the fact that i felt all out of sorts from the beginning.
but today, wednesday, september 19th has been a very "out of sorts" day.

it happens every day. every hour of every day. my mind wanders to them.
what are they doing right now? what are they laughing at? what are they working on?
but today, today my mind wandered much more than normal.
to the point that i became quite tearful on several occasions while at work, which is highly unlike me. and honestly has never happened before.
but today, today they were all that my mind could think about.
why?
i have no idea.
but the literal ache in my heart was just too much.
the obvious distance between us was just too much.
the fact that i am here and not there was just too much.
and my heart was really, really sad.

next week is my 27th birthday.
i am not exactly sure looking back on my life what i thought turning 27 years old would look like.
but i am excited to be 27. i love my life. i love the people in my life. i love my life.
but i am not excited to be turning 27 in Tulsa, Oklahoma. if the truth be told.
i will do fun things and laugh with my sweet family and friends, sure. but none of those things are what my heart and soul are longing to do...so the thought of "celebrating" here kind of just makes me sad. and slightly nauseous.

i want to be sung to in French.
i want to dance around the gazebo to the beat of the drums.
i want to eat rice and fish off the red special birthday plate.
i want to get handwritten notes on white paper ripped out of a notebook.
i want to be there.

but tonight, i am not there. i am in Tulsa, Oklahoma. and i just got home from helping my 12-year-old nephew with his math homework. and although it wasn't exactly like helping 30 African children with their homework under the one light in the gazebo powered by the generator, it made my heart smile. so even if life doesn't look 100% what i want it to look like right now; i am thankful that God provides opportunities for my heart to smile even after days like today. because i may not be spending my 27th birthday in Benin with the children of Arbre de Vie, but i am confident i will spend at least one of my birthdays there. and even though next week i won't be able to eat my cake on the red special birthday plate, i will smile as i eat GG's homemade brownies and hum "Happy Birthday" to myself in French. because sometimes, even after long, hard days, we have to rely on even the littlest things in our lives to make our hearts smile.

rain.

This morning a loud clap of thunder woke me up. Boom. I laid in bed for a few minutes and quickly realized it was raining, a beautiful, quiet rain. It was 5 in the morning…way too early for me to get out of bed for work. I stayed in bed and my mind began to wander. It must have been the thunder and the rain, but my mind traveled back to West Africa, where it so often does…

I’m not sure if I blogged about this instance previously, but one of my last days in Benin a huge storm came through rather suddenly. It was lunchtime, so the kids were at the orphanage from school, and I was sitting up in the gazebo working on some things while everyone finished up lunch. Quite a few of the kids and Jon and Ashley were up at the new dorm looking at the latest progress and talking to the maisons. I looked up and thought, “Goodness. It sure is dark over there.” So I started packing up my computer and everything and sat down to finish eating with the kids. Literally within 2 minutes it began pouring and the wind picked up and produced wind gusts like I’ve never experienced before, ever. Seriously crazy winds! I had some kids huddled around me, shielding them from the rain as much as possible and the wind. I was soaking wet and the storm had just started. I looked up and everyone from the new dorm was running back down to where we were huddled. Jon and Mathias were up in the gazebo by all of us by that point. I saw Ashley running and the next thing I know, I look back over and Jon is gone and Ashley is pulling herself up from the mud and walking into the other gazebo. It all happened in an instant. A wind gust had pulled up one of the large metal colanders by the kitchen and it had blown and whacked Ashley smack dab in the face. I mean, that’s a mess in and of itself; but what stuck out to me most in that moment was Jon. How in the world had he gotten over there so fast? He must have literally leapt over the railing of the gazebo and was there instantly to help Ashley. All before I knew anything had even happened. In fact, none of us had realized what had occurred. But Jon did. And was right there to help her up. Ashley and I later came to the conclusion that he must have just “super-manned” over there. Crazy.

All of that got me thinking about all of this…

Living in a third-world country on the other side of the globe from anything and anyone you’ve ever known is quite daunting. I have talked to Ashley and Jon both about their decision to live in Benin on several occasions, and although I didn’t know them during that time, I know them now. And I know it’s not easy. Their life in Benin is unexplainable. And I remember as I was beginning to prepare to leave in May I kept thinking…”I do not know how they do this on their own.” I mean, I didn’t do too much while I was there, really. But I always was busy and always felt like I had something to offer and tried to help in anyway possible. But these two…these two do it day in and day out. It is their life. It is their story. And it is quite a story…

I don’t really know what I thought leading up to March of this year, but I do know I had no hesitation to being in West Africa for 2.5 months. I had never met Jon and Ashley. I had never met any of the kids. I didn’t even know how to properly pronounce the town I was going to be living in…but, I got on a plane. I landed on the other side of world some 30 hours later and became part of the crazy adventure that is Jon and Ashley Barchus’ life. Part of the crazy adventure that is Arbre de Vie. I instantly became part of their story.

They did not have to welcome me with open arms.

But they did.

They did not have to take extra time to get to know me.

But they did.

They did not have to ensure that I was taken care of.

But they did.

They did not have to giggle with me and become my friends.

But they did.

And okay, Ashley and I giggled…I won’t include Jon on the giggling factor because that will take away some man points, I’m sure.

They did not have to let me be part of their story.

But they did.

And thank God they did.

I got to spend some time with Ashley and her sweet family several weekends ago during her trip to the States. One night, I was helping Ashley work on some stuff for a sermon she was preparing and it was late. She was pounding some coffee and I was chugging some water, working away at our own desks in Curtis and Cindy’s basement and she looked over and laughed and said, “Tats, why do I feel like I’ve known you my whole life?” I didn’t really say anything at first. But I sat there and thought…”DANG! All of this has all happened within the past 5 months. 5 months ago I hadn’t even met any of them yet…”

I will never be able to adequately put into words what this past half-year of my life has meant to me. I don’t have words for all of it yet, and I am starting to realize more and more that is all okay. I don’t need words. I just need to follow my heart. And I need my actions to speak when my words fail me.

I may not have words. And I may never…

But I do know that I am forever grateful for these friends, who 6 months ago I may not have known but they still allowed me to jump right into this amazing story. And them sharing their story and lives with me has forever changed my story and my life. And for that, I will never be the same.

What will the next 6 months look like?

I have no idea.

What will the next 6 months of your life look like?

You have no idea.

But be open to an adventure.

Be willing to let people join your story.

You never know what they have to offer…

And you never know, they may just change your life.

i am here.

I feel like…

I need to preface this post by mentioning that it is after 1 in the morning here in Oklahoma. It is late. It has been a busy, long week filled with a variety of emotions. Several friends came over tonight and we had a delicious dinner and my house was filled with laughter and love. It was a great night and one of the first semi-large dinners I have had in my home since coming back from Benin. As my living room was filled with people and I was sitting at my kitchen table working on some t-shirt stuff for Arbre de Vie, I made a mental note that I need to do this more often. It was good for my heart.

I feel like…

This blog post has been a long time coming. Trust me, I have had plenty to say since returning to the States, but I have not taken the time to sit down and write it out. Work through it all, if you will. It seems easier to just get carried away in the business and craziness that is my life and not focus on the reality of things. But the reality sometimes comes crashing in at 1:15 in the morning when your house is suddenly quiet, doesn’t it?

I feel like…

If I close my eyes sometimes I will wake up and be there. Where my heart and soul long to be. Sleeping under a mosquito net with a fan blowing in my face. I can close my eyes right now in my air conditioned home in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma and literally see myself in that bed in Sakete, Benin. Over 6,000 miles away from where I am right now. I can feel the fan. Hear the buzzing of the one light in my room. See my water bottle on the bed frame. Hear the pages of my Bible and journal flipping over as the fan turns just right to catch the thin pages.

I feel like…

I should express how incredibly grateful I am to be here right now. Even though I don’t necessarily want to be, I am grateful to be here. In a country that is free. And fair. And not corrupt. In a town that is safe. And clean. And accessible. In a family that is loving. And kind. And honest. In friendships that are real. And uplifting. And genuine. In a career that is everything I hoped it would be. And more. And fulfilling. In an office with colleagues who are top-class. And compassionate. And some of the greatest people. In communication with people who choose to love these kids even though they’ve never met them. And give their time to hearing about these kid’s stories. And give their money to provide protection that is so desperately needed. I am grateful.

I feel like…

At the end of the day…when it’s quiet and I am still; it happens. I can literally feel the pain in my soul. An ache in my chest. Because, obviously, I am not in my bed in Sakete, Benin. Underneath the bright green mosquito net. Writing these words half a world away. I am here. And I am fine being here. It is fine. The being here is not the bad part. The NOT being there is the bad part. That is the part that is not okay with me. With my heart. With my soul. Because the sleeping under the bright green mosquito net with the fan blowing on me every night isn’t the good part. The waking up in the morning. Taking an ice cold shower. Doing my devotions in the big meeting room with the front doors open and the gate to the house open…people walking by, greeting them, shooing random chickens out of the courtyard. That’s not the best part. The best part…the best part is that first glimpse of one of the kids. The little boys stopping by my house on their way home from school. Just to say hi. Just to hug my neck. The pulling up the steep drive to the orphanage and being bombarded by children. Being greeted and greeting them back. Looking them in the eye; saying good morning; hugging them; seeing their smiles; feeling their arms around my legs and my waist and my arms and my neck. That is the best part. Being with them. Living life with them. Helping their Maman and Papa do anything that needs to be done. Making sure they are okay. I know they are okay. But seeing with my own eyes that they are okay. I can hear their smiles on their faces when I talk to them on the phone; but seeing the smiles on their faces is different. I need to see those smiles. I need to feel those hugs. I need to laugh with them. I need to live their day-to-day life with them.

But, right now, I am here.

And I feel like that is okay.

For today, August 4, 2012, that is okay.

It is what the Lord is asking of me right now.

And I only ever want to do what He asks of me.

So I am here.

And I will remain here until I can be back over there with them. And trust me, that day cannot come soon enough. But until that day, I will continue to be here. Be fully present in this life I am living. Because I love this life!! I will laugh. I will cry. I will let go of the things and the people and the situations that do not build me up. I will continue to embrace the things and the people and the situations that encourage me to love more and challenge me a  become a better person.

And I feel like…

All of this is okay. Because this really is only the beginning of an amazing story. An amazing life. And I am so excited to live it. Be excited to live your life too friends. Everything can change in an instant. Take every chance. Drop every fear. It is totally worth it.    

GET YOUR T-SHIRTS!!!!!

who needs one of these cute t-shirts?

email me at jillianbeth26@gmail.com to place your order.

adult sizes = $20

children sizes = $10

100% of the proceeds go to the project for the construction of a large wall around the entire perimeter of the orphanage's property in Benin.

this is an easy way to help the kids!

general donations for the wall project are also being accepted.

checks can be written to Beavercreek Church of the Nazarene

and mailed to 

1850 North Fairfield Road

Beavercreek, OH 45432

please mark "Africa Wall Project" in the memo area.

thank you for your continued support!

working on a blog post for later this week...stay tuned.

t-shirts for sale!!

who wants a t-shirt?

only $20.

and 100% of the proceeds go to the children of Arbre de Vie!

email me ( jillianbeth26@gmail.com ) with shirt sizes.

they are American Apparel tees.

and absolutely perfect.

alive.

don't ask what the world needs,

ask yourself what makes you come alive and

go do that,

because what the world needs is 

people who have come alive. 

A letter to the kids...

To the children of Yedidja,

       Oh Adjoke, Adolphe, Alice, Amide, Augustin, Bernard, Clement, Cosmo, Damien, David, Delphine, Dossou, Emmanuel, Femi, Florent, Hubert, Hubertine, Jeanine, Louis, Louise, Louisette, Matihilde, Micho, Moise, Philomene, Rosaline, Saturnin, Seraphin, Viviane, and Yemissi! Words could never adequately describe how much my heart aches to be with you right now. You are what I think about constantly. My mind wanders throughout the day to what you might be doing. My laptop is still on Benin time. Can you believe it? I have tried to fix it countless times and I’ve restarted my computer a dozen times since I’ve been back in the United States. Nothing will fix it. But, that’s fine with me actually. I can easily glance up to the right hand corner of my laptop and see what time it is where you are, where my heart is. I don’t have to add 6 hours, I know instantly what time it is in Sakete and what you all would typically be doing. Eating lunch. Walking back to school. Cramming around the tables to study. Playing games on a Friday night. But, let’s not pretend game nights have been nearly as fun since I’ve been gone...!

       I have talked to Maman and Papa often and I am confident they have told you all that I send my love even though I am over 6,000 miles away. (That’s over 9,600 kilometers!) I may be a long ways away from you right now, but I hope you can still feel my love and my support even over all these thousands of kilometers. I have never experienced the sort of love you all so freely gave me. Thank you for your love. It changed my entire life and I am counting down the days and moments until I can see you all again and give you big, big hugs! And, of course, laugh with you and work with you. Have slumber parties with you and eat delicious meals with you. Play games with you and make memories with you. Live life with you and get covered in red dirt with you. Those are the moments I am living for right now. The next moments I can be with you!

       There are many people here in the United States who have never even met you but have grown to love you each so much because of all the stories I have told them about YOU! They believe you are just as special as I do. Never forget you are so, so special.

       I love you BEAUCOUP, BEAUCOUP!!!!

       I miss you BEAUCOUP, BEAUCOUP!!!!

       I had the time of my life with you.

 

              Thank you will never be enough.

                            Tata Jill

P.S. Listen to what your Maman & Papa tell you to do...and do it the FIRST time. 

How you can help...

I wanted my faithful blog readers to be the first to know about an awesome way that 

we can support Arbre de Vie from the United States of America! 

I'm sure some of you may find this letter in your mailbox next week sometime...

Pray about what you and your family can do to help these children.

Details are in the letter. Contact me with questions.

Thank you for loving them.

Thank you for loving me.

They need a wall. Let's make sure they get a wall!!

goodbye...for now.

tuesday was a day i was dreading. i mean...dreading.
monday night i got home from the orphanage late and finally started packing up my room.
i turned into a sobbing MESS around midnight and just couldn't pack anymore.
couldn't think about not being with the kids every single day.
couldn't think about not laughing with ashley every single day.
couldn't think about not helping with whatever needed to be done every single day.
it was more than my heart could bear in that moment, honestly.
i crawled into bed around 1:30 in the morning. tucked myself into my mosquito net. and prayed for strength to make it through the next day of what i knew would be one of the hardest days of my life.

we had legume monday night though.

that helped a little. love me some legume and pate!

mathias' office.

i woke up bright and early at 7:30 and the other girls were already awake and practically completely packed. they had only been in Benin for a few weeks and they only spent 5 days at Arbre de Vie. they were anxious to get back to the States and it was quite obvious i was not anxious to get back to the States. i finished packing what i could. i left quite a bit of stuff in Sakete for the kids, Ashley and Jon and Mathias. after an hour of getting everything put together, i made my morning cup of instant coffee and positioned myself at the table in the big meeting room to finish up some things for the organization. i had done fine all morning, honestly and was sitting there with the other girls when Mathias came walking through the gate of the courtyard around 9, just like he had every other morning i'd been there. his bright smile wasn't quite as bright this morning and i think he knew my heart was hurting. he came over and greeted me, saying "good job!" just like every other morning and right then and there i turned into a HOT MESS! it just overwhelmed me. and out of nowhere i started crying and crying. i had to get up and walk around the bureau. i couldn't regain my composure, so i went to my room and shut the door. i needed to finish up a few things anyway and it was awkward sitting in there crying in front of two girls i didn't know. who had no idea what my heart was going through on this day. as i sat on my sheetless bed, under my bright green mosquito net, my itunes was on shuffle and a familiar song came on. i have heard this song countless times. we sing it at church. i know the words. but last tuesday morning, in Sakete, Benin when my heart was hurting so incredibly bad...this song spoke to my hurting heart.

You're the God of this city.
You're the King of these people.
You're the Lord of this nation.
You are.
You're the Light in this darkness.
You're the Hope to the hopeless.
You're the Peace to the restless.
You are.
There is no one like our God.

i had to leave that day. there was no other option for me. trust me, i would have loved to have stayed. i am confident i would have and could have stayed there forever. but, on last tuesday, that was not my option. my option was to drive 2 hours south to Cotonou and get on an airplane and come back to the United States. my option right now is to work. and work. and raise awareness and money for these kids i love with my entire heart. in that moment, sitting on my bed in the bureau, the Lord quieted my hurting heart. He was going nowhere. He would be right there in Sakete, Benin. He would be with these children that i love with my entire heart. He would be with Ashley and Jon and provide a way for them to accomplish the numerous tasks before them. He would. and that same God who stayed in Benin with the people who changed the course of my entire life, also is right here with me. He offers peace. He offers hope. He offers light. i have never been more thankful for those reminders than i was last tuesday.

amide.

the kids are always home for lunch during the school day. so the plan was to all meet at the orphanage at lunchtime. we would eat together. the kids had a sweet present to give me. we would say our goodbyes (for now). we would hug. and i would cry. and the kids would go back to school for the afternoon. but, as i've said before...plans are made to be broken.

florent.

sweet damien.

i got a phone call from ashley around 11:30 saying that Micho had been injured and they were all at the hospital. her foot was severely injured in one of the older boy's bicycles when he was bringing her home from school and she was going to require several stitches. the next few hours were pretty hectic, but ashley and jon came back to the orphanage with micho around 1:30 and the kids all needed to leave for school around 2. they had all worked on the sweetest banner with all of their handprints made into a heartshape. they came out singing and showing off their banner with such pride. my heart melted. so sweet. and so thoughtful. i will cherish that white piece of fabric with those bright colored handprints that changed my life forever.

alice's letter she wrote for me. sweetness.

i hugged everyone and walked down the drive with all the primary school kids. we were laughing. holding hands. and i was telling them how much i love them. they have brightened my entire world. i love them too much. and off they walked to school. down the road that had become so normal to me. in their sweet little khaki uniforms. with their backpacks on. they turned around and waved at every bend until i couldn't see them anymore. love those little knuckleheads so much. more thankful for them than they could ever, ever know.

viviane.

we always sing "tomorrow, tomorrow, i'll love you tomorrow. you're only a day away." to each other every single night. she'll always say, "i love you tomorrow." and i always say, "i love you today AND tomorrow." love her too much. today and tomorrow.

oh mathias. miss that sweet man!                                dossou. the best.

precious seraphin.

louis can always, always make me laugh.

me and my little rascals. 

doesn't get better than this friends.

does not get better.

the older kids were still home so i decided to take seraphin for a drive on my moto so i could show him how greatly improved my driving skills have become! we drove for awhile and right when we were first starting i said, "seraphin, are you afraid?" he said, "no tata! i am not afraid." "well, seraphin. were you afraid the first day when you were teaching me to drive the moto?" "OH YES TATA! i was very afraid that day." oh man. gotta love it! it's still amazing to me the things i did while i was there. as we were driving back to the orphanage, we were talking and there was a big, orange semi-truck coming up behind me. the main road in Sakete is extremely curvy and it's impossible to see what is around the next turn. the truck was coming up behind me and seraphin knows his tata well because he just starts saying over and over in my ear, "Tata! Do not be afraid! Tata! Do not be afraid!" i slowed down and was barely going, hoping that this huge truck would pass me faster that way and as he passed me i screamed and laughed at the same time because seraphin was still just right there, saying over and over in my ear..."Tata! Do not be afraid!" i love that they believe i can do anything. it makes me believe that i can do anything for them. i know that i would do anything for them. anything.

i drove home for the last time on my moto by myself and finished packing last minute things. ashley and jon brought the car over and we loaded up everything. the other 2 girls were flying out on my same flight, so we had quite a bit of stuff. the car was loaded down and all 6 of us piled in for the 2 hour drive to Cotonou. we had big plans to eat at our favorite Chinese restaurant, but as time started slipping away we all decided it would be smarter to eat at a quicker restaurant closer to the airport. it's actually the same restaurant we ate at the night ashley, jon and katinka picked me up from the airport in March. i was obviously pretty emotional by this point, it had been a long day of tears but also plenty of laughter. as i was sitting at the table with ashley beside me and jon and mathias across from us...i could have just cried and cried. don't worry, i didn't. but i could have. who would have known that these people i didn't even KNOW 10 weeks ago would be some of my most favorite people in the world? you never know when you meet someone that they will change your life. and sitting at Steer's on March 20th in Cotonou, Benin, i had no idea how much these people would mean to me 2 short months later.

it was getting close to 7:30 and my plane left at 8:45, so we headed to the airport. it's a short 5 minute drive from the restaurant. we all started saying our goodbyes and took a few more pictures. unbeknownst to any of us, they stop ticketing people for this flight one hour before take off. so while we're all out front hugging each other and crying (okay, only ashley and i were crying...) and taking our sweet time, they were closing down shop at the ticket counter! i finally decided it was time to get this party started and took my suitcase and went through the first security checkpoint. the other 2 girls had their luggage and a cart that had one of my bags on it. i went through and went up to the counter to get my ticket and then realized that the other 2 girls were not behind me...they were stuck at the first security checkpoint and they wouldn't let them through. ashley is waving her hands at me to just keep going through...but they had one of my bags out there and i needed to check it! so i go running back to them and just steal my rubbermaid off the cart while they're all arguing with the security man to let them through. i didn't ask any questions. in fact, i don't think i said one word to anyone. i just grabbed my bin and ran back to the ticket counter. the next 30 minutes were pretty chaotic. they eventually let the other girls through. but something was wrong with one of my tickets, so i am up there fighting with these people (but secretly wishing i could just get left in Benin...) for my ticket as it's getting closer and closer to the time my plane is supposed to take off. they finally get my ticket issued and i go running off without even waving bye to ashley, jon and mathias who were helplessly standing on the other side of the glass wall watching this whole fiasco! i ran back and gave them one big wave and smile before bolting through 3 more security checkpoints and getting on the bus to the plane. insanity. seriously.

it may have been best that those moments were so crazy though because i couldn't think about how incredibly sad i was for those few minutes. i sat down on my seat in the plane. i was the last person to board and the plane left literally minutes after i got on. i didn't really know what to do with myself so i opened the letters the children had written me and began reading them. i was crying and crying and i'm sure the African man sitting next to me thought i'd lost my mind but i didn't care one bit. all i wanted was to hug their necks. all i wanted was to be in that car with jon, ashley and mathias. all i wanted was to not be on that plane. but i was on that plane. and i am in Broken Arrow, OK right now. over 6,000 miles away from where my heart longs to be. i am not sure what the next step is. i know right now i have an amazing job that i am starting monday and i am excited about that. the Lord has amazing things in store for this clinic and i am privileged to be part of caring for these children and being part of this team. i am not sure when my feet will walk those red dirt roads again. i am not sure when my hands will wrap around the fingers of those children again. i am not sure when i will drive my bright blue moto again. i am not sure when i will not be an ocean away from some of the people i love most. i am not sure of a lot right now. but i am confident of one thing...i will be there again. and it will be sooner rather than later. and until then, i have to fully trust and believe in the God who is there with them and who is here with me.
there is no one like our God.