i am here.

I feel like…

I need to preface this post by mentioning that it is after 1 in the morning here in Oklahoma. It is late. It has been a busy, long week filled with a variety of emotions. Several friends came over tonight and we had a delicious dinner and my house was filled with laughter and love. It was a great night and one of the first semi-large dinners I have had in my home since coming back from Benin. As my living room was filled with people and I was sitting at my kitchen table working on some t-shirt stuff for Arbre de Vie, I made a mental note that I need to do this more often. It was good for my heart.

I feel like…

This blog post has been a long time coming. Trust me, I have had plenty to say since returning to the States, but I have not taken the time to sit down and write it out. Work through it all, if you will. It seems easier to just get carried away in the business and craziness that is my life and not focus on the reality of things. But the reality sometimes comes crashing in at 1:15 in the morning when your house is suddenly quiet, doesn’t it?

I feel like…

If I close my eyes sometimes I will wake up and be there. Where my heart and soul long to be. Sleeping under a mosquito net with a fan blowing in my face. I can close my eyes right now in my air conditioned home in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma and literally see myself in that bed in Sakete, Benin. Over 6,000 miles away from where I am right now. I can feel the fan. Hear the buzzing of the one light in my room. See my water bottle on the bed frame. Hear the pages of my Bible and journal flipping over as the fan turns just right to catch the thin pages.

I feel like…

I should express how incredibly grateful I am to be here right now. Even though I don’t necessarily want to be, I am grateful to be here. In a country that is free. And fair. And not corrupt. In a town that is safe. And clean. And accessible. In a family that is loving. And kind. And honest. In friendships that are real. And uplifting. And genuine. In a career that is everything I hoped it would be. And more. And fulfilling. In an office with colleagues who are top-class. And compassionate. And some of the greatest people. In communication with people who choose to love these kids even though they’ve never met them. And give their time to hearing about these kid’s stories. And give their money to provide protection that is so desperately needed. I am grateful.

I feel like…

At the end of the day…when it’s quiet and I am still; it happens. I can literally feel the pain in my soul. An ache in my chest. Because, obviously, I am not in my bed in Sakete, Benin. Underneath the bright green mosquito net. Writing these words half a world away. I am here. And I am fine being here. It is fine. The being here is not the bad part. The NOT being there is the bad part. That is the part that is not okay with me. With my heart. With my soul. Because the sleeping under the bright green mosquito net with the fan blowing on me every night isn’t the good part. The waking up in the morning. Taking an ice cold shower. Doing my devotions in the big meeting room with the front doors open and the gate to the house open…people walking by, greeting them, shooing random chickens out of the courtyard. That’s not the best part. The best part…the best part is that first glimpse of one of the kids. The little boys stopping by my house on their way home from school. Just to say hi. Just to hug my neck. The pulling up the steep drive to the orphanage and being bombarded by children. Being greeted and greeting them back. Looking them in the eye; saying good morning; hugging them; seeing their smiles; feeling their arms around my legs and my waist and my arms and my neck. That is the best part. Being with them. Living life with them. Helping their Maman and Papa do anything that needs to be done. Making sure they are okay. I know they are okay. But seeing with my own eyes that they are okay. I can hear their smiles on their faces when I talk to them on the phone; but seeing the smiles on their faces is different. I need to see those smiles. I need to feel those hugs. I need to laugh with them. I need to live their day-to-day life with them.

But, right now, I am here.

And I feel like that is okay.

For today, August 4, 2012, that is okay.

It is what the Lord is asking of me right now.

And I only ever want to do what He asks of me.

So I am here.

And I will remain here until I can be back over there with them. And trust me, that day cannot come soon enough. But until that day, I will continue to be here. Be fully present in this life I am living. Because I love this life!! I will laugh. I will cry. I will let go of the things and the people and the situations that do not build me up. I will continue to embrace the things and the people and the situations that encourage me to love more and challenge me a  become a better person.

And I feel like…

All of this is okay. Because this really is only the beginning of an amazing story. An amazing life. And I am so excited to live it. Be excited to live your life too friends. Everything can change in an instant. Take every chance. Drop every fear. It is totally worth it.