When ebola is at your backdoor...

As I tossed and turned last night in my moderately chilly room in Sakété, Benin, unable to sleep with my mind filled with worry over various situations I found myself praying. God, please be with this situation. God, please bring justice in this other situation. God, please bring peace to my friends. God, please give us wisdom to know what to do to best care for the 30 orphans You have put in our charge with Ebola sweeping across West Africa.

To be quite honest, there are many things I anticipated experiencing my first year living in Benin, West Africa. I anticipated struggling to learn a new language. I anticipated having difficulty acclimating to a new culture. I anticipated sweating, a lot. I anticipated being exhausted more often than not. There are many things I anticipated.

But above all the things that I anticipated there was one that topped my list: Love the children and staff of Arbre de Vie and love them well. Period.

Of all the things I could have possibly anticipated, an Ebola outbreak in West Africa with enormous death rates is not something that was even remotely on my radar. But, here it is.

And now what?

As I said, my #1 priority has been and continues to be to love the children and staff of Arbre de Vie and love them well. So what does love look like? Does love look like being filled with anxiety over a virus that has swept and is continuing to spread across countries near us? Does love look like irrationally making decisions without prayerfully seeking wisdom and guidance first? Does love look like packing up all my belongings and going back to the United States until this Ebola epidemic subsides? No. That is not what love looks like when I think about what my number one priority was in coming to this country and volunteering alongside this organization.

For my life and my situation, love looks a lot like staying. I don’t know what lies ahead. Do my eyes fill with tears at times being overwhelmed with the possibility of the unknown? Yes. Does my heart race and do I look over across the table with worried eyes at Ashley and say half-jokingly, “So, I think I might need a Xanax right about now.” Sure! Does my soul ache at the thought of one of these children I love so much becoming sick with this deadly virus and then wondering what I can do to help them in their suffering? Absolutely.

But all of these questions and unknowns don’t change anything in my mind, in my heart and in my soul…I am here to love these children, these staff members and my fellow colleagues. I am here to minister to these people and I know with every single fiber of my being THIS is where God has called me.

And none of this is a surprise to Him, is it? In all my anticipation and questions with preparing to come here and live here He knew all of this was down the road. And He’s already been with me, with us, each step of the way and I know He will not leave us now.

So I will continue on. Loving these children. Loving these people. Serving these children. Serving these people. We will continue to educate our children and our staff on needed precautions for this virus and we will continue implementing procedures at our orphanage to keep those who call Yedidja home safe.

Jon and Ashley have only the children’s best interests in mind at all times and I always support them 100%. We will also continue to support those in ministry alongside us here in Benin. We are blessed with incredible friends and ministry partners and I will always 100% support them and the decisions they make for their families and their ministry. Just as they support us and our family here at Arbre de Vie.

It’s no ones place to judge. So please, instead of asking me to come home or wondering why I don’t “get the heck out of dodge”, pray for me. Pray for guidance. Pray for our kids. Pray for Jon and Ashley. Pray for our fellow missionary friends. Pray that everyone makes the best decision for them and follows boldly after the Lord and what He’s calling them to. Please. You are right here with us. Your love and support is important and incredibly vital in our life and ministry here.

And please pray that Ebola continues to stay at our backdoor because this nasty virus is not welcome at our house and we will continue to do everything we can to keep the door bolted and closed! 

leaving.

I have been blessed to spend over 3 weeks in the States. I came home for my only niece's high school graduation and have thoroughly enjoyed being with my incredible family and seeing a few of my very wonderful friends along the way.

I wrote this blog several weeks ago. I couldn't quite post it at the time...I'm not sure why but I feel like over the past few weeks of "de-briefing" (if you will) and examining my first 4 months in Benin with Arbre de Vie that this seemed appropriate to let those who follow along on this journey be able to read some of what the day-to-day life can look like in Benin, West Africa. It's not an easy life, that's for sure. And looking into today, saying goodbye to those I love dearly and anticipating being reunited with those I also love dearly, it's not an easy thing literally having your heart in two places but just yesterday sitting at Blackie and Nancy's kitchen table I thought, "Man, how blessed am I?" How could I be so lucky to have TWO places to call home? And they both genuinely do feel like home. I may wish that my home in Benin had central air conditioning and hot water, but hey, I guess we won't get into the knitty gritty details, huh?

--------------------------

Friday, May 2^nd 2014

It’s funny how a week can fly by. Honestly. It’s Friday already and I’m sitting here wondering where this week has gone. On the phone with my mom late last night I had to ask her what day it was. Everything got all mixed up after Tuesday and it’s been a whirlwind since then. As I’m finding most weeks are. Each night I think, “I’ve never been this tired.” And then I catch some much-needed sleep and the next morning feel great and that night I think again…”I’ve never been this tired.” I guess maybe that means we’re doing something right, huh?

“When you feel tired, you remember that I am your Strength; you take pleasure in leaning on Me.”  This was today’s devotional…very timely. God is always right on time, isn’t He?

I try not to speak for Jon and Ashley but I think it’s safe to say that looking into this Friday and the upcoming weekend and reflecting on the past week “tired” may be a good adjective to describe how this group of volunteer missionaries is feeling…

Noel, one of our cook’s sons who calls Arbre de Vie home, has been intensely ill with malaria. I have been battling with such a feeling of guilt for it going undiagnosed due to the fact that I simply thought he had the same viral illness me and 15 of his other brothers and sisters had last week. And we were all seemingly on the mend but Noel was having a little harder time kicking the bug. On Monday night he was up running around, playing and ate some rice for dinner. He was crying Monday afternoon because he wanted to go to school with everyone else. To make a really long story short, he was taken to the local hospital on Tuesday morning and Tuesday night his malaria test came back positive.  His labs were incredibly bad and he needed an immediate blood transfusion for which Jon had to drive 1+ hour away to search for the blood to bring back to the hospital in Sakete for his transfusion. By Wednesday morning he was significantly deteriorated and within a matter of 30 minutes Ashley had him out of the hospital in our small village and in her car to take him to a private hospital that we use  in Porto Novo, Benin’s capital city that is about a 45 minute – 1 hour drive from Sakete.  And by “significantly deteriorated” I mean to say he was near death…

We had another one of our girls with us who was sick with what was presumed to be malaria as well. The treatment had been started but we wanted some bloodwork and she had been at our local hospital waiting to be seen as well but since we were leaving the hospital with Noel for Porto Novo she came with us to be seen and treated at this private clinic. We loaded up into Ashley’s car after meeting at the orphanage after the hospital. Ashley driving. Elisabeth, one of our cooks in the passenger seat next to her. Maman Ruth, Noel’s mom, holding Noel’s feet and his body was draped across Mathilde and his head rested on my lap. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen someone this sick…and my heart was wrecked.

The air at the orphanage was tense and worry filled all the children’s and staff’s eyes as everyone gathered necessary items for the departure to Porto Novo. I was sitting with Mathilde in her room before we loaded up and could hear everyone praying out on the terrace over Noel’s tiny body... “Jesus, I know You are here.” Is all I could keep saying.

The car ride to Porto Novo was silent for the most part. Ashley had on a worship CD and as Mathilde slept on my right arm and Noel lay motionless on my lap Ashley’s words cut the silence, “Is he still breathing?”

My gut twisted…panic filled as I watched him take his next breath. “Yes.” I placed my hand on his head and stroked his cheek, “Jesus, please heal His body. Please allow him to respond to treatment. Please give the doctors and nurses a sense of urgency. Please help him to not suffer. We will give you all the glory Lord. All the glory is yours.”

We got to the clinic and Ashley is well known there…the lady at the front desk greeted her and saw Noel in Elisabeth’s arms. Without even getting his name she ran with Ashley and Elisabeth following her to their intensive care room and they immediately began working on him. I breathed a small sigh of relief, “Thank you Jesus for answering this prayer for urgency on the medical staff’s part.” It is honestly the quickest I have ever seen a medical professional act in Benin.

This was Wednesday and as we all sat in their waiting area, Ashley taking Mathilde to be seen and treated (sidenote: she DOES have malaria…), Maman Ruth, Noel’s sweet mom, finally eating for the first time in days, Ashley searching for blood again in Porto Novo for Noel’s second blood transfusion, sitting next to the bed in the ICU stroking Noel’s hand as he lie motionless in the hospital bed praying for his sick body to respond to the malaria treatment…it all seems like weeks ago at this point today, Friday morning.

I am very pleased to say that he seems to be responding well to treatment and is doing better. Still has a long way to go but he has come a long way since Wednesday. I only write this all out to give glory and praise where glory and praise is due…Thank you Jesus for your healing in this sweet boy’s life. We love you and will continue to fight here for these kids and their wellbeing just as we know you would have us. All the glory is yours for sparing his sweet life and we will praise you always! 

-------------------------------

If you're the praying kind, please be in prayer that the Lord will continue to provide strength and courage for our staff in Benin to keep pressing forward and battling through circumstances just like this one. The Lord's grace is ALWAYS sufficient but I feel like in times like this He provides ABUNDANTLY for our needs: physically, spiritually, emotionally. Please pray that He continues to provide, as He always has and as we are all confident He always will. Please pray that we will continue to seek Him above all other things.

Pray for Jon and Ashley. They are the dad and mom to these children but beyond parenting this group of kids they also carry COUNTLESS other responsibilities and tasks. They need our prayers and I am committed to praying for them always and I am also committed to encouraging others I know to do the same. Will you continue to be in prayer for my friends?

It's been a great few weeks America. Thanks for the luxuries you provide, your wonderful roads, your air conditioning, QuikTrip, Target, and being one of the places on this big earth I call home. 

I'll be back soon but until then, I'll find my home on the red dirt of Africa,

-jillian

moments of joy.

(Saturnin found a mouse...and loved the screams he got from Tata!)

It’s a cool Monday morning here in Sakete. A little rain fell and now a cool breeze has found its way here. It’s quite refreshing, to say the least. I’m sitting in my makeshift office at my house that is now looking more like a home with each passing week. Thanks to the wonderful people here who help me with every little step along the way. Seriously. Such a blessing.

This blog has been rather idle since my transition into life here in January. This weekend marked 3 months of being here in Benin and this is now the longest I’ve ever been here and also the longest I’ve ever been away from the States consecutively. I was thinking this weekend during a sleepless night about why I haven’t blogged much. There is no real answer. Maybe I worry about what people will think…maybe I’m just too tired and worn out by the end of a day to type out my thoughts but over the past week I’ve realized more and more I need an outlet of some sort for my thoughts and experiences to escape my heart and head. I will leave Benin for a short trip back to the States the end of May for my niece’s highschool graduation so until then, I’m committing to being diligent to blogging. Whether it’s something brief regarding my day here or something the Lord has shown me, I want to write out these experiences so I can always hold onto them. And also so they don’t become a big, hot mess inside me.

The past week has been difficult for me. The kids have been sick. I have been sick. I have been tired. And I have been unpleasant to be around on more than one occasion. (Maybe too many occasions to count…) I have been stressed about finances and the difficulties that are the reality of life here. For instance, I needed to turn my car around last night in the market area to head back home to the orphanage after buying antibiotics at the pharmacy and it was the most difficult thing. I could only laugh because I wanted to cry in that instant but I mean, seriously…something as small as turning your car around. And then all I wanted was a cold Coke and no one in town had one…we searched all over the market area. No cold Cokes. I think it’s safe to say any sort of “honeymoon phase” has worn off and some of the realities have come crashing down on me over the past several days.

As I tossed and turned again last night, I pulled myself out of bed this morning determined to make the most out of this day and to focus on the moments that are filled with joy instead of moments that may be filled with frustration. But then I started thinking…shouldn’t all moments be filled with joy? We all have that choice to make, don’t we? To choose joy. I feel like the devil has been using frustrating situations as a foothold in my life to steal my joy. Or more so, I’ve been allowing him to use situations as a foothold in my life to steal my joy. I’m determined this week to not let that happen. To not give him that satisfaction because it’s so ridiculous. What about you? In what ways are you allowing your joy to be stolen? I think so often it’s easy to focus on the situations that overwhelm us instead of fixing our eyes on Christ and His plan.

(Adjoke preparing the maize for the mill.)

As I warmed up my water for my coffee and took a seat at my desk, I opened by Jesus Calling to today’s date, April 28^th. These are some words from today’s devotion: “As you look into the day that stretches out before you, you see many choice-points along the way. I stand beside you, lovingly preparing you for what is ahead.” “I will equip you as you go, so that you can handle whatever comes your way. Trust Me to supply what you need when you need it.”

Will I trust Him?

What do I need from Him right now?

He will supply what I need when I need it…

Today, I am choosing to trust Him and in trusting Him I will find the joy that can only be found in Him. To not look at the circumstances and situations ahead of me that I don’t have answers for…but to trust Him today. And I am praying for continued belief to know that He WILL supply all that I need when I need it. Even if it comes in the form of a cold Coke at the last store we checked last night before heading to the orphanage. It may sound silly, but that Coke was exactly what this Tata needed. And I’m trusting today that He will again provide exactly what I need, when I need it.   

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,

for His compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

Great is Your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him...

(Lamentations 3:22-25)

a decade

Here we are the beginning of April. It’s hard to believe. Time is flying by and most days are incredibly long but the weeks pass quickly and it seems the months are as well. Life is good. I feel like I’m adjusting well to this “living here long-term” thing and it’s been made so much easier since Ashley and Jon have literally helped every step of the way. It’s a joy to be part of this team: the team here in Sakete as well as the broader, international Arbre de Vie / Tree of Life USA team. God is good and this morning my heart is overflowing with gratitude.

I slept in a little this morning. Ash and I went to Cotonou last night for a gathering for a friend of Ashley’s who works for USAID and is being placed at a new assignment in Liberia. I went to the going away party and introduced myself to her for the first time. J We didn’t get back home until almost 1 in the morning and a cold shower and my hard bed never felt so good. After making my cup of coffee and instant oatmeal (Cinnamon Swirl if anyone cares to ever include that in a care package!) I sat down to do my devotions. I have a guestroom in my apartment that has a small desk with a chair and I love spending time each morning here. The breeze pulls in from a window on each wall. Currently my downstairs neighbors are blaring some music from the speakers of their new Hummer they recently purchased (it’s the talk of the complex!) and the young maison workers who are constructing a home next door are singing while they move cement. It’s overcast and cool-ish this morning and I grabbed a new devotional book from my bookshelf before sitting down.

After reading today’s “Jesus Calling” and spending some time reading the Bible verses for today I opened the book I chose: “Just Like Jesus” by Max Lucado. As I opened the cover I saw my handwriting on the front page: September 30, 2004 Sophomore Year. Apparently I’ve read this book before. After thumbing through the pages I realized that I in fact have read through this devotional book because each page is highlighted. Sorry Max, I have a terrible memory when it comes to what I have or haven’t read…I’m sure this says nothing about the importance of this book and the impact it had on my almost 10 years ago. Clearly.

Before I started reading the first chapter, my mind wandered back to September 2004. The first month of my sophomore year of college at Southern Nazarene University. It was not a good year, if I remember correctly. August had been difficult and I’m sure September hadn’t been much better. I can see myself opening up this book on my twin-sized bed next to Tillanie in our dorm room. I don’t remember what I was feeling but I’m sure it was desperation coupled with a longing for something more than the emptiness my heart had been feeling. And I scribbled this note on the last page of the first chapter: “God, You have the perfect way of knowing what I need to hear and when I need to hear it. You are so wonderful to me. Thank you for loving me and I pray that through this book I would be transformed into more of Christ and that there would continuously be less of me and more of you in my life…always. 09/30/04 11:58pm”

Today my life may look incredibly different than the first time I read through this book, as now I’m sitting at my small wooden desk in my empty guestroom that only has Rubbermaid cartons in it in a small village town in west Africa but the cry of my heart remains the same…less of me and more of Him. Always.

Shouldn’t that always be our aim? It’s a goal that’s never able to be fully achieved here on this earth. But if today my words, actions and heart can resemble Christ a little more than they did yesterday, maybe I’m on the right track. Just maybe each day I can give a little more of myself and in turn gain a little more of Christ.

One thing that really stuck out to me today while I was reading through the first chapter was how so many times people will either say of themselves or someone else, “Oh, I can’t help it. It’s just how I am.” People who are prone to worry. Prone to anger. Prone to excessive spending. Prone to being pessimistic. Prone to gossip. “Oh, it’s just how they are. She’s a worrier.” But just because it’s what our nature is PRONE to does not mean that’s how we always have to be.

As I think back to almost 10 years ago, I was bitter and angry and hurt. I could have chosen to live in and stay in that bitterness and anger and hurt for the rest of my life. That could have fermented and I am sure I would be REALLY fun to be around today… But somewhere through the course of the past decade, the Lord has done a drastic change in my heart and in the process my life has changed.

It’s not something that happened overnight, absolutely not. In fact, I can’t pinpoint exactly when it did or didn’t take place. I can only attribute it to the daily surrender that I have chosen to live in. And certain seasons it was more difficult than other times in my life. But whether it’s here on this side of the ocean or in the States, my prayer is always that each day I will seek to fix my eyes on Jesus and Him alone.

I believe He has ambitious plans for my life and for your life. And 10 years ago laying on a twin-sized dorm room bed in Bethany, Oklahoma at a small Nazarene University I never even DREAMED I would be sitting here today…but there is one thing I know and it’s that this is exactly where the Lord wants me. And I may not speak French as well as I’d like and I may get frustrated because it’s so dang hot all the time but loving these children and ministering in this place alongside this organization is exactly where I’m supposed to be and I may not have seen it coming but I know the Lord did. And I’m thankful today that I chose so long ago to daily surrender to Him and He has brought me here to this place for this time. It’s crazy to think what 10 more years down the road may look like…