moments of joy.

(Saturnin found a mouse...and loved the screams he got from Tata!)

It’s a cool Monday morning here in Sakete. A little rain fell and now a cool breeze has found its way here. It’s quite refreshing, to say the least. I’m sitting in my makeshift office at my house that is now looking more like a home with each passing week. Thanks to the wonderful people here who help me with every little step along the way. Seriously. Such a blessing.

This blog has been rather idle since my transition into life here in January. This weekend marked 3 months of being here in Benin and this is now the longest I’ve ever been here and also the longest I’ve ever been away from the States consecutively. I was thinking this weekend during a sleepless night about why I haven’t blogged much. There is no real answer. Maybe I worry about what people will think…maybe I’m just too tired and worn out by the end of a day to type out my thoughts but over the past week I’ve realized more and more I need an outlet of some sort for my thoughts and experiences to escape my heart and head. I will leave Benin for a short trip back to the States the end of May for my niece’s highschool graduation so until then, I’m committing to being diligent to blogging. Whether it’s something brief regarding my day here or something the Lord has shown me, I want to write out these experiences so I can always hold onto them. And also so they don’t become a big, hot mess inside me.

The past week has been difficult for me. The kids have been sick. I have been sick. I have been tired. And I have been unpleasant to be around on more than one occasion. (Maybe too many occasions to count…) I have been stressed about finances and the difficulties that are the reality of life here. For instance, I needed to turn my car around last night in the market area to head back home to the orphanage after buying antibiotics at the pharmacy and it was the most difficult thing. I could only laugh because I wanted to cry in that instant but I mean, seriously…something as small as turning your car around. And then all I wanted was a cold Coke and no one in town had one…we searched all over the market area. No cold Cokes. I think it’s safe to say any sort of “honeymoon phase” has worn off and some of the realities have come crashing down on me over the past several days.

As I tossed and turned again last night, I pulled myself out of bed this morning determined to make the most out of this day and to focus on the moments that are filled with joy instead of moments that may be filled with frustration. But then I started thinking…shouldn’t all moments be filled with joy? We all have that choice to make, don’t we? To choose joy. I feel like the devil has been using frustrating situations as a foothold in my life to steal my joy. Or more so, I’ve been allowing him to use situations as a foothold in my life to steal my joy. I’m determined this week to not let that happen. To not give him that satisfaction because it’s so ridiculous. What about you? In what ways are you allowing your joy to be stolen? I think so often it’s easy to focus on the situations that overwhelm us instead of fixing our eyes on Christ and His plan.

(Adjoke preparing the maize for the mill.)

As I warmed up my water for my coffee and took a seat at my desk, I opened by Jesus Calling to today’s date, April 28^th. These are some words from today’s devotion: “As you look into the day that stretches out before you, you see many choice-points along the way. I stand beside you, lovingly preparing you for what is ahead.” “I will equip you as you go, so that you can handle whatever comes your way. Trust Me to supply what you need when you need it.”

Will I trust Him?

What do I need from Him right now?

He will supply what I need when I need it…

Today, I am choosing to trust Him and in trusting Him I will find the joy that can only be found in Him. To not look at the circumstances and situations ahead of me that I don’t have answers for…but to trust Him today. And I am praying for continued belief to know that He WILL supply all that I need when I need it. Even if it comes in the form of a cold Coke at the last store we checked last night before heading to the orphanage. It may sound silly, but that Coke was exactly what this Tata needed. And I’m trusting today that He will again provide exactly what I need, when I need it.   

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,

for His compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

Great is Your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him...

(Lamentations 3:22-25)

a decade

Here we are the beginning of April. It’s hard to believe. Time is flying by and most days are incredibly long but the weeks pass quickly and it seems the months are as well. Life is good. I feel like I’m adjusting well to this “living here long-term” thing and it’s been made so much easier since Ashley and Jon have literally helped every step of the way. It’s a joy to be part of this team: the team here in Sakete as well as the broader, international Arbre de Vie / Tree of Life USA team. God is good and this morning my heart is overflowing with gratitude.

I slept in a little this morning. Ash and I went to Cotonou last night for a gathering for a friend of Ashley’s who works for USAID and is being placed at a new assignment in Liberia. I went to the going away party and introduced myself to her for the first time. J We didn’t get back home until almost 1 in the morning and a cold shower and my hard bed never felt so good. After making my cup of coffee and instant oatmeal (Cinnamon Swirl if anyone cares to ever include that in a care package!) I sat down to do my devotions. I have a guestroom in my apartment that has a small desk with a chair and I love spending time each morning here. The breeze pulls in from a window on each wall. Currently my downstairs neighbors are blaring some music from the speakers of their new Hummer they recently purchased (it’s the talk of the complex!) and the young maison workers who are constructing a home next door are singing while they move cement. It’s overcast and cool-ish this morning and I grabbed a new devotional book from my bookshelf before sitting down.

After reading today’s “Jesus Calling” and spending some time reading the Bible verses for today I opened the book I chose: “Just Like Jesus” by Max Lucado. As I opened the cover I saw my handwriting on the front page: September 30, 2004 Sophomore Year. Apparently I’ve read this book before. After thumbing through the pages I realized that I in fact have read through this devotional book because each page is highlighted. Sorry Max, I have a terrible memory when it comes to what I have or haven’t read…I’m sure this says nothing about the importance of this book and the impact it had on my almost 10 years ago. Clearly.

Before I started reading the first chapter, my mind wandered back to September 2004. The first month of my sophomore year of college at Southern Nazarene University. It was not a good year, if I remember correctly. August had been difficult and I’m sure September hadn’t been much better. I can see myself opening up this book on my twin-sized bed next to Tillanie in our dorm room. I don’t remember what I was feeling but I’m sure it was desperation coupled with a longing for something more than the emptiness my heart had been feeling. And I scribbled this note on the last page of the first chapter: “God, You have the perfect way of knowing what I need to hear and when I need to hear it. You are so wonderful to me. Thank you for loving me and I pray that through this book I would be transformed into more of Christ and that there would continuously be less of me and more of you in my life…always. 09/30/04 11:58pm”

Today my life may look incredibly different than the first time I read through this book, as now I’m sitting at my small wooden desk in my empty guestroom that only has Rubbermaid cartons in it in a small village town in west Africa but the cry of my heart remains the same…less of me and more of Him. Always.

Shouldn’t that always be our aim? It’s a goal that’s never able to be fully achieved here on this earth. But if today my words, actions and heart can resemble Christ a little more than they did yesterday, maybe I’m on the right track. Just maybe each day I can give a little more of myself and in turn gain a little more of Christ.

One thing that really stuck out to me today while I was reading through the first chapter was how so many times people will either say of themselves or someone else, “Oh, I can’t help it. It’s just how I am.” People who are prone to worry. Prone to anger. Prone to excessive spending. Prone to being pessimistic. Prone to gossip. “Oh, it’s just how they are. She’s a worrier.” But just because it’s what our nature is PRONE to does not mean that’s how we always have to be.

As I think back to almost 10 years ago, I was bitter and angry and hurt. I could have chosen to live in and stay in that bitterness and anger and hurt for the rest of my life. That could have fermented and I am sure I would be REALLY fun to be around today… But somewhere through the course of the past decade, the Lord has done a drastic change in my heart and in the process my life has changed.

It’s not something that happened overnight, absolutely not. In fact, I can’t pinpoint exactly when it did or didn’t take place. I can only attribute it to the daily surrender that I have chosen to live in. And certain seasons it was more difficult than other times in my life. But whether it’s here on this side of the ocean or in the States, my prayer is always that each day I will seek to fix my eyes on Jesus and Him alone.

I believe He has ambitious plans for my life and for your life. And 10 years ago laying on a twin-sized dorm room bed in Bethany, Oklahoma at a small Nazarene University I never even DREAMED I would be sitting here today…but there is one thing I know and it’s that this is exactly where the Lord wants me. And I may not speak French as well as I’d like and I may get frustrated because it’s so dang hot all the time but loving these children and ministering in this place alongside this organization is exactly where I’m supposed to be and I may not have seen it coming but I know the Lord did. And I’m thankful today that I chose so long ago to daily surrender to Him and He has brought me here to this place for this time. It’s crazy to think what 10 more years down the road may look like…

Weekends of Fun!

Welll, hopefully all of you had a great weekend! It’s Sunday night here in Benin and I just got off the phone with my mom and dad and GG and am watching Season 1 of Grey’s Anatomy in the upper right hand corner of my computer while I type up this little blog post. Also talked to Megan and Dr. Henley at Milestones. Shout out to my MPC family; miss you guys!!!

Also, just killed the 153^rd ant of the night that was crawling across my computer screen. Also, the keys on my laptop hardly want to move b/c of all the insane amounts of dust that have blown into them…it’s usually dusty here but right now it’s crazy dusty from the winds blowing down sand from the Sahara Dessert. (as best I understand it at least…)

Weekends are fun around here. This weekend has been busy, as usual and also fun, of course!

To paint a very small picture of what the past few days have looked like, I’ll highlight some key points.

Saturday morning started with a morning exercise time with my downstairs neighbor, Maman Carmella. (Carmella is her first born child; It’s customary here for men and women to become Papa _____ and Maman ______ with their first born child’s name inserted and that’s what they are known as for essentially the rest of their life. For instance, we have a cook who works at the orphanage who I only know as Maman Jacquelyn, Jacquelyn was her first born child. Maman Carmella’s first name is Yvette, I do know that!) She showed me this nice path that’s about 2 miles roundtrip that I can travel easily on my own without getting too turned around and lost on the red dirt roads. The plan is to pound out many mornings on that path. We had a great time together reviewing my French verbs and their conjugations and she worked on learning the English words that correlated.

Every other Saturday a psychologist, Carine, comes to Sakete from Porto Novo, the capital city of Benin that’s about 1 hour away to meet with the children and she spends several hours at the orphanage doing various things with the kids. Yesterday was her Saturday to be at the centre and we met her there. I answered some emails and browsed Facebook during their group activity time and then when the younger children were finished with their session Alice, Rosaline and I went to the storage room to organize bins of items that we had moved over to the orphanage from the bureau on Friday morning.

A little change that has taken place in the course of what Arbre de Vie looks like over the past several months is that an adoption program has been added to the existing work that Arbre de Vie is currently doing in Benin. It’s all under the umbrella of Arbre de Vie NGO but the children in the adoption program all live over at the old bureau (which we now call Centre #2) until they are united with their “forever families”. These are young children (newborn-early childhood) who will only be at this centre temporarily until all the paperwork and legal matters are taken care of for the adoption process. There is staff there caring for the children and the staff at Centre #1 is working alongside our team at Centre #2 to try to provide the best environment and care for these children until they’re adopted to their families in Europe and the US. Okay, back to the story of the day…

We moved everything that was Centre One’s items out of the old bureau (TONS of paperwork for the NGO, files, financial information, school books, etc.) and had a lot of work on our hands (still do) with organizing all of that and finding places for it all in the new dorm/at Centre #1. Is this getting confusing yet? Sorry. I’m trying to explain it all as clearly as possible.

Either way, Rosaline, Alice and I worked in the storage room at our Centre #1 for a few hours and they were very helpful with emptying the bins and helping organize. I’m all about organizing so I love this task, trust me! In the process, I pulled out a white, round, bead looking thing and rolled it in my hands (thinking it was a bead). The white, tiny ball squished and green liquid came squirting out…thank GOD I had on gloves b/c I hate my hands feeling all gross and there’s so much dust so I wear medical gloves when I clean here. Alice starts laughing. I start freaking out.

“What was that?”

“Alice! What was that??”

“Oh my word. Why is it green? What is it??”

“Tata, it is a baby lizard.”

BARF.

Lunchtime followed by more cleaning and organizing. Ashley taught the kids how to make Rainbow Loom bracelets/rings that their Tata Emily sent them for Christmas and they loved it! I’m now the proud owner of 2 Rainbow Loom bracelets handmade by the children of Arbre de Vie. Don’t be jealous.

Off we went with a group of our kids to work together over at Centre #2 for several hours. We loaded up all the remainder of our items and loved on the children there for several hours. Our kids did a craft project with them and the young kids did so well with coloring and making signs for their living room. We sang songs. The kids played games with them. It was good for our kids to be part of this and to give back. They’ve been given so much and their lives are so radically different because of it…it will be important for them to always know and realize the importance of giving back to those in need.

Unloaded everything at Centre #1. Back to Centre #2 for the last of the items. Augustin and I went to the pharmacy to pick up medicine for 2 children in our sponsorship program who have sickle cell. Walked into the pharmacy, picked up all the meds we needed to finish what Ashley had already purchased. Stopped at the roadside market stand to pick up popcorn to make for movie night. Went to the home of the children to give them their medications for the entire month and spent some time talking with them and praying for them. Stopped to get me some COLD water before heading home to the orphanage. It’s around 8pm by this time…we ate some dinner and then started a movie for the kids to watch since it’s Saturday and all, right? High School Musical made it even better!

Ashley taught me the ropes for making popcorn for 30+ people in iron pots. She burnt her finger on hot oil. Toothpaste to the rescue from Maman Jacquelyn for the burn. Fresh popcorn for everyone. Sang along with High School Musical, duh!

Movie’s over. Head out of the orphanage which is always a 30+ minute endeavor. Tell all the kids goodnight. Hug them tight. Drive home. Sleeping tight until about 0300 in the morning when the right side of my bed goes falling off the bedframe slat and I feel like I’m legitimately rolling down a huge mountain. Scared the liver out of me. Seriously, we could have won money! Didn’t fix it at the time…just slept on an incline all night on the left side holding on for dear life.

Slept in a little this morning before church. Church at 10:30. Home for lunch. (Shoutout to Cindy for the amazing broccoli cheese soup! Tell Nancy the brand. She can send some soups over in my first package! BOMB!) Ash made broccoli cheese soup (DELISH) and JB made garlic bread (SUPERB) and then off I went to do my most dreaded task…LAUNDRY.

Now, I don’t really like doing laundry in the States even. Where I have a washing machine. Where I have a dryer. I REALLY don’t like doing laundry in Benin. But I decided to make the best of it and hunkered down to tackle my mountain of laundry from the past 2 weeks…handwashed it all and when I went upstairs to hang the last load of clothes on the line on our roof, this crazy storm was blowing in. The sky legitimately looked like an Oklahoma sky in Spring during a tornado…the wind was blowing like CRAZY and my clothes that were already on the line were being tossed all over the line in the wind and I screamed down for help and up ran Ash, Jon and Femi (he came home with us after church because he was feeling sick) and we took all the clothes off the line and brought them into my apartment. I was going to be one ticked off Tata if all my hard, handwashing laundry work had gone to waste because all the clothes wouldn’t dry because of the storm…

Off to the orphanage. Study time with the kids. Bible study time with the pastor. More organizing and emptying. Bins/Boxes. Dinner. Laughing to the point of crying with the kids. Leftover popcorn. Goodnights. Brush your teeth. Go to bed. Drive home.

Decide to hang up the clothes back up on the roof tonight so they wouldn’t be gross and musty by morning…and stinky. And I will be darned if all that work goes to waste!!! Jon fixed my bed. I threw on my headlamp that Megan my nurse friend from Milestones gave me as a goodbye gift and put those clothes out on the line to dry using both my hands without having to hold a flashlight! SCORE! Best gift ever. Delphine was along to assist Tata and bat off the birds waiting for us at the top of the stairs. And now, sleep.

Sweet, sweet sleep.

Wonder what Monday will hold?

what is normal anyway?

The past few days have been a whirlwind…to say the least. 

So incredibly grateful tonight to Jon and Ashley for ALL their help with getting my apartment in order prior to my arrival and since I’ve been here. Seriously. All their friends and our other neighbors, the children and the staff at the orphanage have done so much. It is so nice that this little apartment already feels like home and my kitchen is organized, thanks to Ash.

I will try over the next few days/weeks to get some more things in order around here with everyone’s gracious help and post some pictures. It’s a pretty great little set up and it’s nice being right across the outdoor walkway from Jon and Ashley’s home. For those who haven’t been here and seen it, it’s essentially a big cement home that has been divided into 3 apartments on the bottom that 3 different families live in and then up a stairway are 2 more apartments on the 2nd floor. For those really curious, mine is on the right of the stairway and the Barchus’ is on the left. Too much detail? Okay. Sorry.

The past few days have been wonderful, as I know you all can imagine and are not surprised to hear. Today was what I would say felt like was our first “real” day here with a little sense of normalcy setting back in with the kids and life with them. This is the longest length of time Jon and Ash have been gone since they moved here and SURPRISE, Tata joined them on their return. Now I guess we’ve begun what will become a new normal, although there is no normal. With 30+ kids around there is always something (or should I say, someone) throwing a little curveball for "normal" life here. Life will look a little different now but hopefully only a good kind of different.

Speaking of "normal", today for instance was going to be a normal Wednesday. We get to the orphanage and the children are all home from school in the afternoon. (Wednesday afternoons they have off.) We busted out some new games Ash brought back from the States. “I Spy” and “SLAP” or “SWAP” or something…I can’t remember now but before we could bust out the games one of the little girls had a couple of abscesses that needed drained and some attention so off we went to the clinic area that is now at the orphanage because of the new dorm (thank you GOD and BCN for this incredible gift!) and Ash held her while I took care of some of that. Jon was in the city about an hour away to go to the bank, since that’s the closest bank. Yes, an hour.

We taught the kids the games and then all played SWAP together (I think it’s SWAP…) and I only wish that each and every person could have heard and been around the table with us. The laughter. Oh my word. It kills me and it’s just about one of my favorite things in this entire world. (Betsy, Adolphe got giggling SO hard at one point he could barely breathe…that incredible cackle. LOVE!) Games were over for a little while so then it was time for Tats to work on some French vocab words. The kids and I did this for sometime, which is fun and frustrating all at the same time. It will come. I guess I need to quit playing SWAP/SLAP and study more…but where’s the fun in that? (In all seriousness, a tutor is being set up so please pray this is a great fit and that it works out well for scheduling purposes!)

Before dinner, the kids were showering, doing chores, studying and then another medical need became priority. Meds were gotten from the pharmacy in town and also for ringworm on the scalp one of the kids has and off we go to dinner. After dinner, another abscess (not lying). After some studying time, Augustin and Jon come in the meeting room and Augustin has this HUGE ganglion cyst on his hand that Jon took care of while I assisted. Seriously? Seriously. It was gnarly.

About the 3^rd procedure of the day in, Ash was holding the kid and said, “It’s so nice you’re here. Jon can be working on fixing the well and you can be doing this and I’m always happy to assist.” 

It was a pretty crazy afternoon/evening and this only paints a small picture of what life is like and an even smaller glimpse of what all of today held but as I fall asleep tonight my heart is literally overjoyed to be in this place. To love on these kids. To offer assistance when possible. To supply hugs always. To laugh until my sides hurt. To be the hands and feet of Jesus alongside others who are doing it so beautifully.

It’s always something new.

Never the same.

Sweat pouring down.

Many bugs, lizards.

Lots of laughter.

Some tears.
And always worth it.