moments of joy.

(Saturnin found a mouse...and loved the screams he got from Tata!)

It’s a cool Monday morning here in Sakete. A little rain fell and now a cool breeze has found its way here. It’s quite refreshing, to say the least. I’m sitting in my makeshift office at my house that is now looking more like a home with each passing week. Thanks to the wonderful people here who help me with every little step along the way. Seriously. Such a blessing.

This blog has been rather idle since my transition into life here in January. This weekend marked 3 months of being here in Benin and this is now the longest I’ve ever been here and also the longest I’ve ever been away from the States consecutively. I was thinking this weekend during a sleepless night about why I haven’t blogged much. There is no real answer. Maybe I worry about what people will think…maybe I’m just too tired and worn out by the end of a day to type out my thoughts but over the past week I’ve realized more and more I need an outlet of some sort for my thoughts and experiences to escape my heart and head. I will leave Benin for a short trip back to the States the end of May for my niece’s highschool graduation so until then, I’m committing to being diligent to blogging. Whether it’s something brief regarding my day here or something the Lord has shown me, I want to write out these experiences so I can always hold onto them. And also so they don’t become a big, hot mess inside me.

The past week has been difficult for me. The kids have been sick. I have been sick. I have been tired. And I have been unpleasant to be around on more than one occasion. (Maybe too many occasions to count…) I have been stressed about finances and the difficulties that are the reality of life here. For instance, I needed to turn my car around last night in the market area to head back home to the orphanage after buying antibiotics at the pharmacy and it was the most difficult thing. I could only laugh because I wanted to cry in that instant but I mean, seriously…something as small as turning your car around. And then all I wanted was a cold Coke and no one in town had one…we searched all over the market area. No cold Cokes. I think it’s safe to say any sort of “honeymoon phase” has worn off and some of the realities have come crashing down on me over the past several days.

As I tossed and turned again last night, I pulled myself out of bed this morning determined to make the most out of this day and to focus on the moments that are filled with joy instead of moments that may be filled with frustration. But then I started thinking…shouldn’t all moments be filled with joy? We all have that choice to make, don’t we? To choose joy. I feel like the devil has been using frustrating situations as a foothold in my life to steal my joy. Or more so, I’ve been allowing him to use situations as a foothold in my life to steal my joy. I’m determined this week to not let that happen. To not give him that satisfaction because it’s so ridiculous. What about you? In what ways are you allowing your joy to be stolen? I think so often it’s easy to focus on the situations that overwhelm us instead of fixing our eyes on Christ and His plan.

(Adjoke preparing the maize for the mill.)

As I warmed up my water for my coffee and took a seat at my desk, I opened by Jesus Calling to today’s date, April 28^th. These are some words from today’s devotion: “As you look into the day that stretches out before you, you see many choice-points along the way. I stand beside you, lovingly preparing you for what is ahead.” “I will equip you as you go, so that you can handle whatever comes your way. Trust Me to supply what you need when you need it.”

Will I trust Him?

What do I need from Him right now?

He will supply what I need when I need it…

Today, I am choosing to trust Him and in trusting Him I will find the joy that can only be found in Him. To not look at the circumstances and situations ahead of me that I don’t have answers for…but to trust Him today. And I am praying for continued belief to know that He WILL supply all that I need when I need it. Even if it comes in the form of a cold Coke at the last store we checked last night before heading to the orphanage. It may sound silly, but that Coke was exactly what this Tata needed. And I’m trusting today that He will again provide exactly what I need, when I need it.   

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,

for His compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

Great is Your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him...

(Lamentations 3:22-25)

a decade

Here we are the beginning of April. It’s hard to believe. Time is flying by and most days are incredibly long but the weeks pass quickly and it seems the months are as well. Life is good. I feel like I’m adjusting well to this “living here long-term” thing and it’s been made so much easier since Ashley and Jon have literally helped every step of the way. It’s a joy to be part of this team: the team here in Sakete as well as the broader, international Arbre de Vie / Tree of Life USA team. God is good and this morning my heart is overflowing with gratitude.

I slept in a little this morning. Ash and I went to Cotonou last night for a gathering for a friend of Ashley’s who works for USAID and is being placed at a new assignment in Liberia. I went to the going away party and introduced myself to her for the first time. J We didn’t get back home until almost 1 in the morning and a cold shower and my hard bed never felt so good. After making my cup of coffee and instant oatmeal (Cinnamon Swirl if anyone cares to ever include that in a care package!) I sat down to do my devotions. I have a guestroom in my apartment that has a small desk with a chair and I love spending time each morning here. The breeze pulls in from a window on each wall. Currently my downstairs neighbors are blaring some music from the speakers of their new Hummer they recently purchased (it’s the talk of the complex!) and the young maison workers who are constructing a home next door are singing while they move cement. It’s overcast and cool-ish this morning and I grabbed a new devotional book from my bookshelf before sitting down.

After reading today’s “Jesus Calling” and spending some time reading the Bible verses for today I opened the book I chose: “Just Like Jesus” by Max Lucado. As I opened the cover I saw my handwriting on the front page: September 30, 2004 Sophomore Year. Apparently I’ve read this book before. After thumbing through the pages I realized that I in fact have read through this devotional book because each page is highlighted. Sorry Max, I have a terrible memory when it comes to what I have or haven’t read…I’m sure this says nothing about the importance of this book and the impact it had on my almost 10 years ago. Clearly.

Before I started reading the first chapter, my mind wandered back to September 2004. The first month of my sophomore year of college at Southern Nazarene University. It was not a good year, if I remember correctly. August had been difficult and I’m sure September hadn’t been much better. I can see myself opening up this book on my twin-sized bed next to Tillanie in our dorm room. I don’t remember what I was feeling but I’m sure it was desperation coupled with a longing for something more than the emptiness my heart had been feeling. And I scribbled this note on the last page of the first chapter: “God, You have the perfect way of knowing what I need to hear and when I need to hear it. You are so wonderful to me. Thank you for loving me and I pray that through this book I would be transformed into more of Christ and that there would continuously be less of me and more of you in my life…always. 09/30/04 11:58pm”

Today my life may look incredibly different than the first time I read through this book, as now I’m sitting at my small wooden desk in my empty guestroom that only has Rubbermaid cartons in it in a small village town in west Africa but the cry of my heart remains the same…less of me and more of Him. Always.

Shouldn’t that always be our aim? It’s a goal that’s never able to be fully achieved here on this earth. But if today my words, actions and heart can resemble Christ a little more than they did yesterday, maybe I’m on the right track. Just maybe each day I can give a little more of myself and in turn gain a little more of Christ.

One thing that really stuck out to me today while I was reading through the first chapter was how so many times people will either say of themselves or someone else, “Oh, I can’t help it. It’s just how I am.” People who are prone to worry. Prone to anger. Prone to excessive spending. Prone to being pessimistic. Prone to gossip. “Oh, it’s just how they are. She’s a worrier.” But just because it’s what our nature is PRONE to does not mean that’s how we always have to be.

As I think back to almost 10 years ago, I was bitter and angry and hurt. I could have chosen to live in and stay in that bitterness and anger and hurt for the rest of my life. That could have fermented and I am sure I would be REALLY fun to be around today… But somewhere through the course of the past decade, the Lord has done a drastic change in my heart and in the process my life has changed.

It’s not something that happened overnight, absolutely not. In fact, I can’t pinpoint exactly when it did or didn’t take place. I can only attribute it to the daily surrender that I have chosen to live in. And certain seasons it was more difficult than other times in my life. But whether it’s here on this side of the ocean or in the States, my prayer is always that each day I will seek to fix my eyes on Jesus and Him alone.

I believe He has ambitious plans for my life and for your life. And 10 years ago laying on a twin-sized dorm room bed in Bethany, Oklahoma at a small Nazarene University I never even DREAMED I would be sitting here today…but there is one thing I know and it’s that this is exactly where the Lord wants me. And I may not speak French as well as I’d like and I may get frustrated because it’s so dang hot all the time but loving these children and ministering in this place alongside this organization is exactly where I’m supposed to be and I may not have seen it coming but I know the Lord did. And I’m thankful today that I chose so long ago to daily surrender to Him and He has brought me here to this place for this time. It’s crazy to think what 10 more years down the road may look like…