love more.

sunday afternoon was busy.
i was already tired and ashley and i were already talking about getting the kids in bed early so we could leave the orphanage earlier than normal to relax and go to bed before midnight.
we had piled in the car with Mama Amide and a few of the girls.
they were going to clean the bureau and ashley and i were going to go through tons of clothes and books that we had collected from an organization in Cotonou on saturday.
we were laughing at the books, joking around with the girls, enjoying a semi-quiet moment when ashley's phone rang.
i could tell 10 seconds into her conversation that it was urgent.
i knew it was jon simply because of the fact she was speaking english.
"we're on our way. we'll be right there."
my heart instantly sank, thinking something had happened with one of the kids at the centre.
before i could make much sense of any of it these words broke through hurriedly,
"there's a baby at the orphanage. malnourished. jon doesn't think she'll make it."

i quickly gathered both of our belongings while she explained to Mama Amide and the girls what was going on. i left my keys for them to lock everything up. and we made it to the orphanage quickly, ashley was praying the entire way. i was thinking about any supplies i had in my backpack or that were available at the orphanage to help this baby.

all the kids were gathered around the gazebo.
an older lady. and a young girl sat at the table.
the older lady was holding a tiny, barely breathing baby.
ashley grabbed some chairs for us and her and jon began gathered details, quickly.
the young girl was the mother.
the older lady was of no relation to the mother or baby.
she saw the baby needed help.
and knew that there were white people in Sakete who provided help to children.
they had come from a village fairly far away to seek help for this baby.

i picked the baby up and cradled her in my arms.
she felt very warm.
one of our boys went to get a medical bag with a thermometer in it for me.
they were all still talking, gathering useful details.
this baby was emaciated.
you could see every rib.
her stomach sunken.
she was 3 weeks old.
her mother quit nursing her because it hurt and then the baby started refusing to eat.
supposedly, this all started only 3 days ago.
but it is still impossible for me to believe this baby hadn't been fed for only 3 days.

her temperature was high.
we unwrapped her and then saw a large, open area between her hip bones on her back.
this baby has spina bifida.
she has a large, open, infected myelomeningocele.
this baby was not just severely malnourished and dehydrated.
she had a horrible birth defect, that had gone untreated, and led to a severe infection.

ashley jumped on her moto with augustin and headed to their house to get medical supplies and baby essentials. jon and i jumped in the car with louisette, the baby's mother, and this older lady and headed to the hospital. as i sat up front, holding this baby, my heart was breaking. i began pleading with the Lord, please do not let her die in my arms right now. i could see her little heart racing, over 200bpm due to her high fever and i was watching her irregular breathing pattern, just waiting for her to take her next breath. she was not alert, but as we pulled into the hospital, she let out a little cry and i thought, maybe, just maybe she will make it through the night.

the next few hours were a big blur of paying for things, people leaving to get supplies at the pharmacy, nurses starting an IV, medications being given, bloodwork being drawn, figuring out more details about this infant and her situation.

her mother is 15. a child herself.
even if this baby makes it through the next 24 hours, what then?
there is no one that can perform a surgery to close this large opening in her back that exposes her spine in Sakete. does she go to Porto Novo? is there someone that can perform a surgery there?
but, what then?
i've seen what it is like for disabled people and children in this country.
they are ostracized. left in fields when they are 3 years old...like the Delegate's boy...
they can't work. they can't even find proper equipment to have a semi-normal life.

i don't have all these answers. and last night, last night my heart was broken.
i wept. and wept. and wept when i got home.
i still don't have answers today.
but all i know, is yesterday, ashley, jon & i did everything we could to help this baby.
and although i wish i could have done more...everything that could have been done, was done.

we left her in the care of her mother and the older lady for the night at the hospital.
i had syringe fed her almost 2 full ounces of formula and she was smacking that stuff right up!
ashley explained the importance of feeding her every 2 hours through the night.
we will go back today. we will meet with a doctor, since there was no doctor there last night.
we will meet with the social assistance worker to see what the options are for this infant.

last night, as i wrestled with a total feeling of helplessness, the Lord spoke to me through words one of the hospital staff had said to ashley. we did what we could do for that day. for the child and situation that was presented before us yesterday, we did all we could. and today, i know ashley will do all she can do to show Jesus' love and compassion to anyone placed in her path. and today, i know jon will do all he can do to show Jesus' love and compassion to anyone placed in his path. and today, i know i will do all i can do to show Jesus' love and compassion to anyone placed in my path.

it's all i can do.
it's all i can ever do.
every single day.
love.
give.
love more.
give more.

and yesterday, for me, that meant holding a 3-week-old baby girl who was near death's door.
i don't know what that will look like for me today.
it may be laughing with a 10-year-old girl who is making fun of my horrible French.
or it may be bringing the smile to the face of a woman on the side of the road as i drive past on my moto.

all i know is i am willing.
willing to be used.
willing to give more.
willing to love more.