last saturday.

it's still pretty impossible for me to wrap my mind around where i was just 7 short days ago and where i am now. now, i am sitting at my kitchen table, eating a cup of Cheerios, not wanting to unpack. i've been awake since 3 in the morning because i just couldn't sleep anymore. jet lag'll get ya! the first place my mind goes when i wake up is, "what time is it in Sakete?" and i think instantly of what they are doing. what i would be doing. what i was doing just this time last week...

they all look pretty frightened...huh?

last saturday morning i was recovering from a rough night. friday after we got home from watching the kids play their games at the primary school, jon, mathias and i piled in the car and drove over to Tacon to change mathias' mom's dressings. her accident was in january but she still has quite a significant wound to her calf that requires frequent dressing changes. the incision from the operation on her femur had been healing nicely, but in recent weeks has started looking quite gnarly. jon is pretty sure the hardware is infected they inserted during surgery and her incision is not looking good. so that is requiring every other day dressing changes as well. after we finished, we stopped by a little roadside cantina and had a cold pop. we got back to the orphanage and ate dinner with the kids. all the primary students had big exams this week so we were having some pretty intense study nights. the older children were working with each group of the primary kids and the studying was actually going flawlessly. shockingly!

i was clipping my fingernails (sidenote: nails grow INSANELY fast in Benin. must be the heat. it's WEIRD.) and suddenly felt extremely sick, randomly. i ran down the road to where our lights don't shine. only after did i realize that i had thrown up in the garden of the voodoo king who lives down the drive from us...bad new bears. i walked back up to where the kids were and started gathering my stuff, insistent that i was just going to drive the moto home quickly and get to my house before i got sick again. ashley and her tiny little pint sized self jumped out of the chair she was sitting in and said, "YOU ARE NOT! I AM PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN FOR THE FIRST TIME WITH YOU. ONE OF THE BOYS WILL DRIVE YOU HOME." i didn't laugh about it at the time, but that moment has replayed in my mind seriously dozens of times since then and i just giggle and giggle. oh ash!

seraphin drove me home on my moto with bernard behind on the orphanage's moto. sweet seraphin was driving so fast, but obviously quite nervous because i was laying on his back, feeling pretty terrible. got home to the bureau. the other two girls were there and i just crashed in my bed. felt better by around 10 o'clock the next morning and i was ready for my last saturday! i kept thinking all night as i was sick..."this is some cruel joke. i cannot be sick my last saturday here." but thankfully, by around lunchtime i was feeling better and it was pouring rain. ashley came and picked us all up in the car and we went to the orphanage.

hitting the local gas station before leaving town.

mixing the gas.

that's service right there folks.

ashley and mathias needed to make some village visits to distribute monthly sponsorship to children the organization assists. these children live in critical living situations and would not be able to go to school without the assistance from this sponsorship. it really is a great program, because they're still in their homes with parents or relatives who love them and want to support them but just don't have the means to provide an education for them. so i tagged along on these village visits and as i was sitting in the back of the car i just thought about how glad i was to be spending my saturday afternoon with these two people! if only barchus had been in the car, but he stayed home to make sure the construction workers and children were all behaving themselves. tough job. seriously.

ashley and i became instant friends when i arrived in Benin. i mean, who else was i going to be friends with? the options were slim but as the weeks went on and random conversations would be had in the midst of this crazy life, it was like we had known each other for much longer than just 2 short months. i remember being slightly anxious before leaving the States about the fact that i literally did not know ONE person i was going to spend the next few months with...none of that mattered. we were instant friends and i could go on and on about Ashley Barchus, but i will spare you because that could seem quite weird. i will say this, she is the most fantastic woman i have ever had the privilege of calling friend. the respect and admiration i have for her could never be described. my life will never be the same because of our paths intersecting.

we drove from village to village, greeting the children and their families. checking in on their schoolwork. making sure they are receiving adequate nutrition. as i was sitting over in a chair, while mathias and ashley were on a bench working i thought for the maybe thousandeth time since being in Benin, i want to do this every day. i want to be on this team every single day. i want to visit these children and make sure they have their sponsorship money every single month. in those moments the Lord is very near and the only way i can describe it is as i'm thinking all these things, a peace comes over my soul. just take each day at a time. do what you have to do today. that's all any of us can do, really. take each day at a time. do what you have to do today. love who is in front of you today. love them well.

we were driving to a far off village and ashley pulled the car over. i have gotten quite good at understanding conversations that are spoken in French now. i mean, i can't translate word for word, obviously, but i can pick up what is bring thrown down! i wasn't really paying attention to what mathias and ashley were talking about and before i know it, mathias is in the driver's seat of the car. this would be all fine and good except...mathias has no idea how to drive a car. he's driving a moto for over a decade and i've ridden with him numerous times and he is a fantastic moto driver. but driving a large, African SUV is quite different than driving a moto. the next moments were comical and such fun memories! he was driving down that red dirt road with confidence and he became much more comfortable as the driving continued. he did a great job and i was only nervous a handful of times...!

we had planned to have my big "goodbye for now" dinner celebration on saturday night. it was getting later and later. we were in the thick of a village somewhere and it was obvious that we were not going to make it back to the orphanage until much past dinnertime. so ashley called jon and the celebration plan was changed to sunday night and we continued on our way to see more kids! it had rained and rained early that morning, so the red dirt roads were muddy. we were on a pretty nice paved road and mathias had us pull over. we parked and as i was getting out my foot went sliding in some mud and i almost biffed it right then and there. thankfully i caught myself on the door and only my foot was covered in mud and not my entire body. i couldn't quite figure out where we were going but we crossed the pitch black road and went down this steep path into a housing complex where two of the kids live. ashley and i just grabbed each others hands, had small flashlights beaming and went barreling down that hill following mathias who seems to know where everything always is even in the black of night with not one street light. it's insane for me to wrap my mind around!

as we were driving back to Sakete, i was sitting in the backseat just thinking about how sweet these moments are. it's not typical that ashley and i could spend hours and hours together away from the kids. i needed that time for my heart. i was dreading the next few days. saying goodbye. being strong for the kids and not turning into a hot mess every 15 minutes. those few hours away, with just ashley and mathias did wonders for my heart. singing songs. laughing. making memories. loved every second.

restroom break!

julio's aunt preparing legume to give us.

this culture is so giving with what little they have.

it's humbling.

julio's sweet cousin.

emma was so excited to see her Maman Ashley!

she just kept hugging and hugging her.

enjoying a cup of cold water following our nighttime adventure.

fabrice.

it would be quite the lie for me to sit right here at my kitchen table and tell you i am happy to be here. i am not happy to be here. my heart is broken. literally hurting. i think that's what happens when you give yourself away to something. my heart is not mine anymore. i have no regrets about any of my time in Benin. none. i laid it all on the line. i left it all there. took every chance. embraced every moment. and because of that, because of letting myself be open and vulnerable to that kind of love, my life is changed. my heart will never be the same. and it may hurt right now. it may hurt every single day until i am back there again...but i will continue to love here. 

i will continue to take every chance. 

i will continue to embrace every moment. 

i will work for these kids. 

i will do anything i can to make their lives that much better. 

because they have changed mine. 

the least i can do is continue to fight for them. 

even if for right now, temporarily, i am not next to them fighting. 

i will fight an ocean away. 

and tell their stories. 

and continue to love them. 

and continue to let them change me.