How you can help...

I wanted my faithful blog readers to be the first to know about an awesome way that 

we can support Arbre de Vie from the United States of America! 

I'm sure some of you may find this letter in your mailbox next week sometime...

Pray about what you and your family can do to help these children.

Details are in the letter. Contact me with questions.

Thank you for loving them.

Thank you for loving me.

They need a wall. Let's make sure they get a wall!!

goodbye...for now.

tuesday was a day i was dreading. i mean...dreading.
monday night i got home from the orphanage late and finally started packing up my room.
i turned into a sobbing MESS around midnight and just couldn't pack anymore.
couldn't think about not being with the kids every single day.
couldn't think about not laughing with ashley every single day.
couldn't think about not helping with whatever needed to be done every single day.
it was more than my heart could bear in that moment, honestly.
i crawled into bed around 1:30 in the morning. tucked myself into my mosquito net. and prayed for strength to make it through the next day of what i knew would be one of the hardest days of my life.

we had legume monday night though.

that helped a little. love me some legume and pate!

mathias' office.

i woke up bright and early at 7:30 and the other girls were already awake and practically completely packed. they had only been in Benin for a few weeks and they only spent 5 days at Arbre de Vie. they were anxious to get back to the States and it was quite obvious i was not anxious to get back to the States. i finished packing what i could. i left quite a bit of stuff in Sakete for the kids, Ashley and Jon and Mathias. after an hour of getting everything put together, i made my morning cup of instant coffee and positioned myself at the table in the big meeting room to finish up some things for the organization. i had done fine all morning, honestly and was sitting there with the other girls when Mathias came walking through the gate of the courtyard around 9, just like he had every other morning i'd been there. his bright smile wasn't quite as bright this morning and i think he knew my heart was hurting. he came over and greeted me, saying "good job!" just like every other morning and right then and there i turned into a HOT MESS! it just overwhelmed me. and out of nowhere i started crying and crying. i had to get up and walk around the bureau. i couldn't regain my composure, so i went to my room and shut the door. i needed to finish up a few things anyway and it was awkward sitting in there crying in front of two girls i didn't know. who had no idea what my heart was going through on this day. as i sat on my sheetless bed, under my bright green mosquito net, my itunes was on shuffle and a familiar song came on. i have heard this song countless times. we sing it at church. i know the words. but last tuesday morning, in Sakete, Benin when my heart was hurting so incredibly bad...this song spoke to my hurting heart.

You're the God of this city.
You're the King of these people.
You're the Lord of this nation.
You are.
You're the Light in this darkness.
You're the Hope to the hopeless.
You're the Peace to the restless.
You are.
There is no one like our God.

i had to leave that day. there was no other option for me. trust me, i would have loved to have stayed. i am confident i would have and could have stayed there forever. but, on last tuesday, that was not my option. my option was to drive 2 hours south to Cotonou and get on an airplane and come back to the United States. my option right now is to work. and work. and raise awareness and money for these kids i love with my entire heart. in that moment, sitting on my bed in the bureau, the Lord quieted my hurting heart. He was going nowhere. He would be right there in Sakete, Benin. He would be with these children that i love with my entire heart. He would be with Ashley and Jon and provide a way for them to accomplish the numerous tasks before them. He would. and that same God who stayed in Benin with the people who changed the course of my entire life, also is right here with me. He offers peace. He offers hope. He offers light. i have never been more thankful for those reminders than i was last tuesday.

amide.

the kids are always home for lunch during the school day. so the plan was to all meet at the orphanage at lunchtime. we would eat together. the kids had a sweet present to give me. we would say our goodbyes (for now). we would hug. and i would cry. and the kids would go back to school for the afternoon. but, as i've said before...plans are made to be broken.

florent.

sweet damien.

i got a phone call from ashley around 11:30 saying that Micho had been injured and they were all at the hospital. her foot was severely injured in one of the older boy's bicycles when he was bringing her home from school and she was going to require several stitches. the next few hours were pretty hectic, but ashley and jon came back to the orphanage with micho around 1:30 and the kids all needed to leave for school around 2. they had all worked on the sweetest banner with all of their handprints made into a heartshape. they came out singing and showing off their banner with such pride. my heart melted. so sweet. and so thoughtful. i will cherish that white piece of fabric with those bright colored handprints that changed my life forever.

alice's letter she wrote for me. sweetness.

i hugged everyone and walked down the drive with all the primary school kids. we were laughing. holding hands. and i was telling them how much i love them. they have brightened my entire world. i love them too much. and off they walked to school. down the road that had become so normal to me. in their sweet little khaki uniforms. with their backpacks on. they turned around and waved at every bend until i couldn't see them anymore. love those little knuckleheads so much. more thankful for them than they could ever, ever know.

viviane.

we always sing "tomorrow, tomorrow, i'll love you tomorrow. you're only a day away." to each other every single night. she'll always say, "i love you tomorrow." and i always say, "i love you today AND tomorrow." love her too much. today and tomorrow.

oh mathias. miss that sweet man!                                dossou. the best.

precious seraphin.

louis can always, always make me laugh.

me and my little rascals. 

doesn't get better than this friends.

does not get better.

the older kids were still home so i decided to take seraphin for a drive on my moto so i could show him how greatly improved my driving skills have become! we drove for awhile and right when we were first starting i said, "seraphin, are you afraid?" he said, "no tata! i am not afraid." "well, seraphin. were you afraid the first day when you were teaching me to drive the moto?" "OH YES TATA! i was very afraid that day." oh man. gotta love it! it's still amazing to me the things i did while i was there. as we were driving back to the orphanage, we were talking and there was a big, orange semi-truck coming up behind me. the main road in Sakete is extremely curvy and it's impossible to see what is around the next turn. the truck was coming up behind me and seraphin knows his tata well because he just starts saying over and over in my ear, "Tata! Do not be afraid! Tata! Do not be afraid!" i slowed down and was barely going, hoping that this huge truck would pass me faster that way and as he passed me i screamed and laughed at the same time because seraphin was still just right there, saying over and over in my ear..."Tata! Do not be afraid!" i love that they believe i can do anything. it makes me believe that i can do anything for them. i know that i would do anything for them. anything.

i drove home for the last time on my moto by myself and finished packing last minute things. ashley and jon brought the car over and we loaded up everything. the other 2 girls were flying out on my same flight, so we had quite a bit of stuff. the car was loaded down and all 6 of us piled in for the 2 hour drive to Cotonou. we had big plans to eat at our favorite Chinese restaurant, but as time started slipping away we all decided it would be smarter to eat at a quicker restaurant closer to the airport. it's actually the same restaurant we ate at the night ashley, jon and katinka picked me up from the airport in March. i was obviously pretty emotional by this point, it had been a long day of tears but also plenty of laughter. as i was sitting at the table with ashley beside me and jon and mathias across from us...i could have just cried and cried. don't worry, i didn't. but i could have. who would have known that these people i didn't even KNOW 10 weeks ago would be some of my most favorite people in the world? you never know when you meet someone that they will change your life. and sitting at Steer's on March 20th in Cotonou, Benin, i had no idea how much these people would mean to me 2 short months later.

it was getting close to 7:30 and my plane left at 8:45, so we headed to the airport. it's a short 5 minute drive from the restaurant. we all started saying our goodbyes and took a few more pictures. unbeknownst to any of us, they stop ticketing people for this flight one hour before take off. so while we're all out front hugging each other and crying (okay, only ashley and i were crying...) and taking our sweet time, they were closing down shop at the ticket counter! i finally decided it was time to get this party started and took my suitcase and went through the first security checkpoint. the other 2 girls had their luggage and a cart that had one of my bags on it. i went through and went up to the counter to get my ticket and then realized that the other 2 girls were not behind me...they were stuck at the first security checkpoint and they wouldn't let them through. ashley is waving her hands at me to just keep going through...but they had one of my bags out there and i needed to check it! so i go running back to them and just steal my rubbermaid off the cart while they're all arguing with the security man to let them through. i didn't ask any questions. in fact, i don't think i said one word to anyone. i just grabbed my bin and ran back to the ticket counter. the next 30 minutes were pretty chaotic. they eventually let the other girls through. but something was wrong with one of my tickets, so i am up there fighting with these people (but secretly wishing i could just get left in Benin...) for my ticket as it's getting closer and closer to the time my plane is supposed to take off. they finally get my ticket issued and i go running off without even waving bye to ashley, jon and mathias who were helplessly standing on the other side of the glass wall watching this whole fiasco! i ran back and gave them one big wave and smile before bolting through 3 more security checkpoints and getting on the bus to the plane. insanity. seriously.

it may have been best that those moments were so crazy though because i couldn't think about how incredibly sad i was for those few minutes. i sat down on my seat in the plane. i was the last person to board and the plane left literally minutes after i got on. i didn't really know what to do with myself so i opened the letters the children had written me and began reading them. i was crying and crying and i'm sure the African man sitting next to me thought i'd lost my mind but i didn't care one bit. all i wanted was to hug their necks. all i wanted was to be in that car with jon, ashley and mathias. all i wanted was to not be on that plane. but i was on that plane. and i am in Broken Arrow, OK right now. over 6,000 miles away from where my heart longs to be. i am not sure what the next step is. i know right now i have an amazing job that i am starting monday and i am excited about that. the Lord has amazing things in store for this clinic and i am privileged to be part of caring for these children and being part of this team. i am not sure when my feet will walk those red dirt roads again. i am not sure when my hands will wrap around the fingers of those children again. i am not sure when i will drive my bright blue moto again. i am not sure when i will not be an ocean away from some of the people i love most. i am not sure of a lot right now. but i am confident of one thing...i will be there again. and it will be sooner rather than later. and until then, i have to fully trust and believe in the God who is there with them and who is here with me.
there is no one like our God.

celebration.

my last sunday was one of the best days i had in benin!
ashley, mathias and i had returned home very late from our village visits saturday night. we pounded some rice in the dark at the orphanage and then all went home around midnight. my alarm went off way too soon on sunday morning. i'm pretty certain i could have slept under my mosquito net until noon, easily. some kids came to the bureau to walk to church with me and i quickly got ready. sunday mornings are some of my most cherished moments with the kids. i love having them there while i get ready for church and then walking hand in hand with them to church always makes me smile. there was quite a crew on this sunday and we laughed and walked together. love them to pieces.

seraphin. me. augustin.

at church in our African best.

after church, i went over to jon and ashley's apartment to spend a little quality time with ashley up on their roof. we laughed and laughed. it was nice to steal away a few minutes in the sunshine.

the kids and ashley had a fun night planned for me at the orphanage so we all met back there around dinnertime. as i have mentioned before, on everyone's birthday they get to eat off the red "you are special today" plate. the kids were all studying for their big exams the following day and dinner was a little late. ashley came walking in with the special plate for me to eat off of for my dinner! it was such a sweet thought. and the rice we ate was some of my favorite. and the fish was smoked. best meal ever. trust me.

me & augustin.

sweet hubert & hubertine.

they brighten my world.

florent & his maman!

my special plate!!

soda pop i bought for everyone to enjoy.

my table full of some of my favorite people in the world.

femi.

these people have changed my life.

after dinner we all gathered for some group pictures and then i passed out gifts and notes that i had for everyone. i attempted to use a French adjective that started with the letters from each person's name to describe them...but, was failing miserably at finding adequate French adjectives so the notes were a nice mixture of French and English. the kids loved it and of course laughed at my attempt at French! but let's be real, it's the thought that counts...right?

rosaline & me.

mathias enjoying some yummy beignets.

papa jon and his plate of beignets!

after all the fun gift giving and note reading, the kids got their stage set for quite a spectacular performance! they sang and sang and danced and danced. then, some of the boys had put together a little dance routine just for their Tata Jill. augustin was busy trying to get everyone in order and the crowd quieted down when Dossou, Moise, Femi and Hubert came strutting out of the boy's bedroom with matching shirts on, their collars popped, jeans on and sunglasses. the crowd went wild!!! they introduced themselves and then started the best dance routine in the history of dance routines. seriously. we all just laughed and cheered and they never broke character! dancing like stars up there. the best. seriously. the best.

seraphin & me.

me & ashley in our matching African skirts!!

i hugged each of the kids tight, so thankful for the wonderful memories we made together that night! it was well past their bedtime by this point...so i did my nightly TaTa duty of instructing them all to "BROSSER LES DENTS!!! ALLER AU LIT!!!!"

last saturday.

it's still pretty impossible for me to wrap my mind around where i was just 7 short days ago and where i am now. now, i am sitting at my kitchen table, eating a cup of Cheerios, not wanting to unpack. i've been awake since 3 in the morning because i just couldn't sleep anymore. jet lag'll get ya! the first place my mind goes when i wake up is, "what time is it in Sakete?" and i think instantly of what they are doing. what i would be doing. what i was doing just this time last week...

they all look pretty frightened...huh?

last saturday morning i was recovering from a rough night. friday after we got home from watching the kids play their games at the primary school, jon, mathias and i piled in the car and drove over to Tacon to change mathias' mom's dressings. her accident was in january but she still has quite a significant wound to her calf that requires frequent dressing changes. the incision from the operation on her femur had been healing nicely, but in recent weeks has started looking quite gnarly. jon is pretty sure the hardware is infected they inserted during surgery and her incision is not looking good. so that is requiring every other day dressing changes as well. after we finished, we stopped by a little roadside cantina and had a cold pop. we got back to the orphanage and ate dinner with the kids. all the primary students had big exams this week so we were having some pretty intense study nights. the older children were working with each group of the primary kids and the studying was actually going flawlessly. shockingly!

i was clipping my fingernails (sidenote: nails grow INSANELY fast in Benin. must be the heat. it's WEIRD.) and suddenly felt extremely sick, randomly. i ran down the road to where our lights don't shine. only after did i realize that i had thrown up in the garden of the voodoo king who lives down the drive from us...bad new bears. i walked back up to where the kids were and started gathering my stuff, insistent that i was just going to drive the moto home quickly and get to my house before i got sick again. ashley and her tiny little pint sized self jumped out of the chair she was sitting in and said, "YOU ARE NOT! I AM PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN FOR THE FIRST TIME WITH YOU. ONE OF THE BOYS WILL DRIVE YOU HOME." i didn't laugh about it at the time, but that moment has replayed in my mind seriously dozens of times since then and i just giggle and giggle. oh ash!

seraphin drove me home on my moto with bernard behind on the orphanage's moto. sweet seraphin was driving so fast, but obviously quite nervous because i was laying on his back, feeling pretty terrible. got home to the bureau. the other two girls were there and i just crashed in my bed. felt better by around 10 o'clock the next morning and i was ready for my last saturday! i kept thinking all night as i was sick..."this is some cruel joke. i cannot be sick my last saturday here." but thankfully, by around lunchtime i was feeling better and it was pouring rain. ashley came and picked us all up in the car and we went to the orphanage.

hitting the local gas station before leaving town.

mixing the gas.

that's service right there folks.

ashley and mathias needed to make some village visits to distribute monthly sponsorship to children the organization assists. these children live in critical living situations and would not be able to go to school without the assistance from this sponsorship. it really is a great program, because they're still in their homes with parents or relatives who love them and want to support them but just don't have the means to provide an education for them. so i tagged along on these village visits and as i was sitting in the back of the car i just thought about how glad i was to be spending my saturday afternoon with these two people! if only barchus had been in the car, but he stayed home to make sure the construction workers and children were all behaving themselves. tough job. seriously.

ashley and i became instant friends when i arrived in Benin. i mean, who else was i going to be friends with? the options were slim but as the weeks went on and random conversations would be had in the midst of this crazy life, it was like we had known each other for much longer than just 2 short months. i remember being slightly anxious before leaving the States about the fact that i literally did not know ONE person i was going to spend the next few months with...none of that mattered. we were instant friends and i could go on and on about Ashley Barchus, but i will spare you because that could seem quite weird. i will say this, she is the most fantastic woman i have ever had the privilege of calling friend. the respect and admiration i have for her could never be described. my life will never be the same because of our paths intersecting.

we drove from village to village, greeting the children and their families. checking in on their schoolwork. making sure they are receiving adequate nutrition. as i was sitting over in a chair, while mathias and ashley were on a bench working i thought for the maybe thousandeth time since being in Benin, i want to do this every day. i want to be on this team every single day. i want to visit these children and make sure they have their sponsorship money every single month. in those moments the Lord is very near and the only way i can describe it is as i'm thinking all these things, a peace comes over my soul. just take each day at a time. do what you have to do today. that's all any of us can do, really. take each day at a time. do what you have to do today. love who is in front of you today. love them well.

we were driving to a far off village and ashley pulled the car over. i have gotten quite good at understanding conversations that are spoken in French now. i mean, i can't translate word for word, obviously, but i can pick up what is bring thrown down! i wasn't really paying attention to what mathias and ashley were talking about and before i know it, mathias is in the driver's seat of the car. this would be all fine and good except...mathias has no idea how to drive a car. he's driving a moto for over a decade and i've ridden with him numerous times and he is a fantastic moto driver. but driving a large, African SUV is quite different than driving a moto. the next moments were comical and such fun memories! he was driving down that red dirt road with confidence and he became much more comfortable as the driving continued. he did a great job and i was only nervous a handful of times...!

we had planned to have my big "goodbye for now" dinner celebration on saturday night. it was getting later and later. we were in the thick of a village somewhere and it was obvious that we were not going to make it back to the orphanage until much past dinnertime. so ashley called jon and the celebration plan was changed to sunday night and we continued on our way to see more kids! it had rained and rained early that morning, so the red dirt roads were muddy. we were on a pretty nice paved road and mathias had us pull over. we parked and as i was getting out my foot went sliding in some mud and i almost biffed it right then and there. thankfully i caught myself on the door and only my foot was covered in mud and not my entire body. i couldn't quite figure out where we were going but we crossed the pitch black road and went down this steep path into a housing complex where two of the kids live. ashley and i just grabbed each others hands, had small flashlights beaming and went barreling down that hill following mathias who seems to know where everything always is even in the black of night with not one street light. it's insane for me to wrap my mind around!

as we were driving back to Sakete, i was sitting in the backseat just thinking about how sweet these moments are. it's not typical that ashley and i could spend hours and hours together away from the kids. i needed that time for my heart. i was dreading the next few days. saying goodbye. being strong for the kids and not turning into a hot mess every 15 minutes. those few hours away, with just ashley and mathias did wonders for my heart. singing songs. laughing. making memories. loved every second.

restroom break!

julio's aunt preparing legume to give us.

this culture is so giving with what little they have.

it's humbling.

julio's sweet cousin.

emma was so excited to see her Maman Ashley!

she just kept hugging and hugging her.

enjoying a cup of cold water following our nighttime adventure.

fabrice.

it would be quite the lie for me to sit right here at my kitchen table and tell you i am happy to be here. i am not happy to be here. my heart is broken. literally hurting. i think that's what happens when you give yourself away to something. my heart is not mine anymore. i have no regrets about any of my time in Benin. none. i laid it all on the line. i left it all there. took every chance. embraced every moment. and because of that, because of letting myself be open and vulnerable to that kind of love, my life is changed. my heart will never be the same. and it may hurt right now. it may hurt every single day until i am back there again...but i will continue to love here. 

i will continue to take every chance. 

i will continue to embrace every moment. 

i will work for these kids. 

i will do anything i can to make their lives that much better. 

because they have changed mine. 

the least i can do is continue to fight for them. 

even if for right now, temporarily, i am not next to them fighting. 

i will fight an ocean away. 

and tell their stories. 

and continue to love them. 

and continue to let them change me.