surrender.

Well, here I am.

Sitting in my house. My room is entirely empty except for my mattress. My closet is empty. The bathroom drawers are empty. My kitchen is bare. There is a small pile of items to be taken to storage in my living room. The front half of the house is spotlessly clean thanks to my mom and GG.

It is just me here.

Here alone and my mind is wandering…

What will my life look like the next time I spend the night in this room? For all I know it could be later this year. It could also very well be years from now…

What will my life look like then? The next time I unpack these boxes that are stored away. I have no idea. Honestly. I have NO idea if I’ll ever live in this house again. I have no idea where my next “home” in the United States may be. Or IF I'll ever have a home in the United States again. As my mind has wandered, I have found my heart getting a little sad and anxious, all at the same time. Which is really quite silly but in these moments I have thought:

Am I doing the right thing?

Is this all going to be worth it?

What if I have to move back in here in January and I have hardly any furniture?

What if I get to Benin on a long-term commitment and drive Jon and Ashley bananas and they ask me to leave 2 months in?

What if I NEVER learn to speak French?

What if I never have an amazing job again like the one I have at Milestones?

What if I have to eat African food every single day for an indefinite amount of time?

What if someone I love dies while I’m overseas and I don’t get to say a final goodbye?

What if I decide I want to live with GG forever because she’ll make me dinner and I can watch “wheel of Fortune” with her every night?

My mind could wander with all the “what ifs” right now but I am choosing to not let my heart be overwhelmed with those questions. And some of the questions are ridiculous, I know. But I can't help but be a little more honest than usual tonight. Trust me, it would be easy to allow myself to get lost in this anxiety and this fear and just stop all this madness and tell my renters, “Sorry, I don’t really like Wheel of Fortune so I can’t move in with GG and I’m worrying about things that may never happen so you can’t move in, I’ll just stay here in my empty house forever because heaven KNOWS I don’t want to move all my crap back in here anytime soon.” Instead of saying all that (or a variation of that) I am choosing to continually remind myself Who it is I’m listening to. And Who it is that is paving the way for me to be on this journey…and Who is with me EACH and EVERY step of the way. Even though the way may be filled with self-doubt at times, He is STILL with me. And I will STILL surrender to Him.

My sister sent me an email a few weeks ago. It really knocked me in the gut and I wanted to share some words of wisdom from Rick warren with you all. Are you living a life of surrender? It looks different for everyone…but it definitely goes against what our culture says is right and what our world considers sane…

        “Give yourselves to God…surrender your whole being to Him 

to be used for righteous purposes.” 

(Roman 6:13b TEV)

“surrender” is an unpopular word, disliked almost as much as the word “submission”. It implies losing, and no one wants to be a loser. But the heart of worship is surrender. Surrender evokes the unpleasant images of admitting defeat in battle, forfeiting a game, or yielding to a stronger opponent. The word is almost always used in a negative context.

In our competitive world, we’re taught to never quit trying, never give up, and never give in, so we don’t hear much about surrendering. If winning is everything, surrendering is unthinkable.

Yet, the Bible teaches us that rather than trying to win, succeed, overcome, and conquer, we should instead yield, submit, obey, and surrender.

This is true worship: bringing pleasure to God as we give ourselves completely to him. Surrendering is best demonstrated in obedience. You say, "Yes, Lord" to whatever He asks of you. Surrendered people obey God’s Word, even when it doesn’t make sense.

“Surrendered people obey God’s Word, even when it doesn’t make sense…” I love that. And for me, tonight, part of that surrender looks like sitting in my empty room on my bed because it’s the only object in my entire house to sit on because I’ve packed up, sold, given away, moved and donated everything else as I find out each step of the way what this surrendering looks like for me. And it probably doesn't make a lot of sense to many people, but for me there is no other option. I could choose to not obey but I can guarantee you I would be miserable in the process...

Yield. Submit. Obey. Surrender. Living this way may be filled with “What ifs” and thousands of other questions, but it sure is an amazing way to live this only life I’ve been given.