home.

Exactly 12 months ago from today I was packing up my suitcases for a 10-week journey to Benin. Some sweet friends were over at my house, helping me pack and addressing postcards. Goodbyes were said and some tears were shed. I remember falling asleep that Sunday night with only 4 hours before my alarm clock was going to ring and praying, "God, please change me. Change me along this journey." And boy, did He. I have learned one thing consistently over my life, God will use a willing servant. It may not be the way you were expecting to be used, but if you are willing, He will use you. And if you are willing to be changed, He will change you. He changed me, that's for sure.

I am sitting in my living room tonight. In the exact same place, on the exact same couch as I was sitting on exactly 12 months ago and for the past few days and weeks my heart has felt very unsettled. I joked with Ashley in an email this week that I may need some sort of medication soon to stabilize my mood. All joking aside, and no I'm not getting Prozac right now, I have been a little down in the dumps. I voiced this to Kelli over the phone several days ago and as I articulated the words again to my friend Bartel, the Lord really spoke to me.

Almost 2 months ago, I believe I vividly heard the Lord telling me to put my house on the market. You can go back and re-read that blog post from that time but one thing was certain...the Lord was asking me to relinquish my plans and open up to His plans. I remember thinking over and over again while I was in Benin for Christmas that I needed to sell my house. I kept coming back and saying, "No. That's silly. I'll just rent it. I will NOT sell it because Tulsa will always be one of my homes that I come back to." I was holding on to all the control I had left. God, I will move to Benin but I will NOT sell my house. I love my house. I love living in Tulsa. No matter where I go, Tulsa will always be home. Whether I'm in Benin, Seattle, Phoenix or Boston...Tulsa will always be a home I come back to and I was refusing to sell my house. And He spoke to me very clearly. And I chose to listen. I could have chosen to ignore Him and journey down this road without abandoning complete control to Him...but I listened and I obeyed. And my house has been on the market. There has been a sign in my yard. There have been many, many lookers...

What I told Bartel that night I will tell you now. My house may be on the market for 6 months. My house may never sell. I may always live at 1515 W. Vicksburg Pl. and this may always be my home. But in order to be completely surrendered to His call, I had to put my house on the market, as a simple act of obedience. Now, of course I want it to sell. But as the days pass and turn into weeks, I am realizing more and more that it is quite possible my house will not sell. See, in 2010, mortgage rates were EXTREMELY low and I decided at that time to refinance my mortgage. I ended up saving over $300 per month in that refinance and it seemed like the absolute best thing to do. I remember them telling me at the closing table, "You won't be able to sell for at least 5 years because..." I don't remember the other big words they used but basically sure, I'm saving money, but the loan was more than my previous loan and just like all loans I was going to have to pay it down. In doing that, I wouldn't be able to sell for several years because I would have to ask WAY TOO entirely much for my house to cover the existing mortgage, realtor fees and closing costs. At the time, it all seemed fine because of course I'm going to be in Broken Arrow for 5-6 more years, this is my home. I never dreamed that the past 12 months of my life would take place, but that's what makes the story so great, doesn't it? God sees things we don't see. He knew that day in 2010 when I signed my closing papers to refinance my mortgage that one day I would travel to Benin, West Africa and meet the children of Arbre de Vie and He also knew one day I would feel led to live over there on more of a long-term commitment and partner with the organization and help raise the children on a daily basis. He knew ALL of that. And He also knew, a few Sundays ago when He so vividly told me to put my house on the market that I was "upside down in my mortgage" and it would be extremely difficult to find a buyer who's willing to pay $97/square foot for my house when all the other houses in my neighborhood are selling for $83/square foot. He knew all of that. And none of this is surprising to Him...

In a crazy turn of events, I had a very candid conversation with my realtor this evening. She was previously employed by my dad and has been a close friend of our family for years. She looked at me and said, "I'm going to talk to you like you were one of my daughters, Jill. I do not think you need to sell right now, I think you need to rent your house." This is something I had previously thought about doing but basically threw that idea out the window when I surrendered everything and put my house on the market. And what I told Bartel that night I will tell you now, I had to put my house on the market. That is what the Lord was calling me to do and I could not have been in complete peace with Him if I hadn't taken that step of faith and put that sign in my front yard. But tonight, I have a complete peace about listing my house as a rental property. I would love to find some renters in the next month or so and have a huge sale to get rid of all my crap, pack up some boxes, put some things in storage and move in with my Grandma for an indefinite amount of time to save up all kinds of money. That's my plan right now. Tonight. But, as I've found more and more along this journey is plans are just plans, we never really know what will happen, do we? Ashley always says in Benin, "Plans are made for being broken." And maybe that's what the Lord is thinking right now about these plans...but all day today there has been a stirring in my spirit and I feel at such peace tonight with the decision to move forward with renting my house instead of selling, right now. Who can say, maybe 2 years from now there'll be another sign in my yard and I can sell it for $80/square foot since I won't be "upside down in my mortgage". Whatever the heck that means...