fear not: moving to Africa

Well, here I am.
The house is quiet.
My fan is buzzing.

There are many things I should be up doing but I need to take a few minutes to write down what my heart is feeling at this exact moment. The next 2 days will be long. Traveling to Africa is not easy since there is no simple way to get there. There are long flights followed by long layovers and then long lines and long rides. During my first trip over with SNU I struggled with the traveling and my first time to Benin I vowed to embrace the journey of getting there. I've learned to do that and now I'm just pumped about sleeping on the plane. Oh sweet, blissful sleep. Seems so elusive at this point!

The past few months have flown by. It's crazy to think that this weekend is the weekend I say "goodbye" to life in the States for awhile and "hello" to life in Benin for awhile. Goodbyes are never easy. And choosing to leave my life here to live life there is also not an easy thing, trust me. I don't know if many people following my journey realize how incredibly difficult that is. In fact, I think the only people who could understand are those who've walked this same journey. It is not easy. But I am also finding more and more that maybe this life isn't supposed to be easy. Maybe nothing about living was ever supposed to be a walk in the park. Life is dirty. And crazy. And messy. And there are unknowns. And what ifs. And whens. And whys. And the list goes on and on...

But I am only in control of my life. And in all reality, I am not in control of my life at all. I strive daily to live a life of surrender to the Lord and follow His will and seek His face alone. Sometimes that's not easy but through this process specifically I have heard His voice and seen His hand at work unlike any other times in my life.

I am choosing to live a life of confidence and boldness and in doing that I am also choosing to NOT live a life of fear. Fear is irrational. Fear believes in the worst. Faith believes in the best. I want to be a person who drops every fear and chooses to see the best. Several weeks ago Pastor Craig taught a sermon on this very topic and it resonated so much in my soul that I wanted to share one of the points he made. I hope you find encouragement in this. My prayer for anyone who reads these words is that you would stop living a life of FEAR and start living a life of FAITH!

As I continue on this journey I am not naive enough to think there will not be bad times. There will be heartbreak. There will be sorrow. But I am believing with everything in me that the good will outweigh the bad. And even if it's all really, really bad (I'm not thinking it will be...but IF it is...) He is still God and I will still serve Him and Him alone.

I wonder what God is asking some of you to do? It doesn't matter what anyone says or thinks about you. Who cares if you went to school for 6.5 years to become an PNP and then only worked as one for 18 months? How crazy is that? It doesn't matter what anyone says or thinks about you though! People may never understand but that is not for you to worry about. What if the thing you never could have planned for and anticipated becomes the greatest blessing you never could have planned for or anticipated?

I didn't plan any of this. And I also didn't ask specifically for this. But here I am. And I am excited. And I am believing with my entire heart that the Lord who has called me will be incredibly faithful. He is a good God and He goes before me. And hopefully He also gives me supernatural abilities to speak French fluently. :)

I'll leave you with these words until my first post in Benin. Thank you for your love and sweet support.

As you think about what could lie ahead remember these words:

Outcome is God's responsibility.

Obedience is yours!

burning plows.

Well. It’s been awhile, hasn’t it?

I made a trip back to Benin in July. I will post a blog post about that visit to Arbre de Vie next week sometime. It was a great, great time and I only wish we’d been able to stay longer! I loved having my niece, Claire, with me and also Courtney, Betsy and Molly. It was so neat to experience life in Benin together. It was truly a joy to watch my niece fall in love with the kids at the orphanage…as my sister would say, “she’s hooked”.

I keep this blog for a variety of reasons. When I started the blog before my first trip to Benin in March 2012 it was mainly a means of keeping family and close friends involved in my journey. I quickly realized that I loved the therapy that came along with blogging during my 3-month stay in Africa. It was just what I needed, honestly. Since then, this site has been the place I’ve come to to pour my heart out on occasion and to again keep family and friends involved in the journey that has become much more than I ever dreamed.

This past week has been rather crazy. And if not for anyone else’s sake but my own, I want to write down the events so that I can always come back to this post to remind myself of the God I serve. 

As most of you know, my house in Broken Arrow is currently being rented out. I packed up and moved out in April and a sweet family moved in. They were friends of friends and needed some temporary housing in transit from Tulsa to Denver. I loved them from the moment I met them and felt such a peace about having them as my first “tenants”. Their contract was signed in April and was a 6-month lease that pushed us out to mid-October.

Last Wednesday (July 31^st) I was at work on my lunch break finishing up some charting at the nurse’s station and my cell phone rang. It was my tenant and in the course of our 3 minute conversation he told me that they were moving to Denver sooner than expected because he had gotten a great job offer that they couldn’t resist. They were packing up and moving out on Friday, August 16^th. Two weeks. I thought I had 2 months to find some other tenants for my house and now my current tenants dropped a bombshell by surprising me with a 2 week notice. (Sidenote: They have been VERY gracious; I honestly want what’s best for BOTH parties involved but also didn’t want my house sitting vacant for who knows how long trying to find renters and also having to pay monthly on the house when I’ve been planning on saving all that money.) I scrambled and threw together a little photo advertisement for Facebook and posted it online…

Over this past weekend, I was not feeling like myself and feeling pretty down, if truth be told. I think it was just honestly everything crashing down at once…re-entry into Stateside living (even being there for only 2 weeks can be a difficult adjustment I'm finding), being heartsick and longing for an African village half a world away, working 80+ hours in an 8 day period, wondering if my house would rent, debating whether I was making the right decision to move across a really big ocean, questioning just about everything. Sunday morning my alarm went off for church and I came up with every excuse in the book NOT to go but I went anyway…and it was exactly where I needed to be.

Pastor Craig (Life Church) started a new series this week on the prophet Elisha, from the Old Testament. Before this Sunday, I could never remember who was Elijah and who was Elisha. Pretty pathetic for having taken so many Biblically based classes at Southern Nazarene University (SNU). It's my own fault, really. Bible history was never one of my strong points…thankful for January mini-terms!

What Pastor Craig preached on Sunday morning was EXACTLY what my heart needed to hear. Just an hour before I had been in the shower wondering if I needed to just call it all quits and stay in Tulsa and only visit Benin often. What if this is a terrible decision? What if I have no funding and run out of money 4 months in? What if I never, ever, ever have a job as a nurse practitioner that I love as much as the incredible job I have now? What if I never get good at driving a moto and always almost die everytime I’m on the red dirt road? WHAT IF? (These were serious fears racing through my mind Sunday morning. Pathetic. I know.)

Elisha was just an ordinary man. In fact, he was a farmer who was plowing a field when Elijah came to him. He was extremely ordinary but God raised up this ordinary man and did something extraordinary THROUGH him. And the first point that Pastor Craig taught on literally penetrated deep into my soul and spoke so clearly to my doubting heart…a lesson we can learn from Elisha is this:

You don’t have to understand fully

to obey immediately.

When Elijah came to Elisha, he found Elisha simply plowing his father’s land. Elisha knew he was to go WITH Elijah. What did this farmer do in that moment? He left his oxen and ran after Elijah. He didn’t have to know all the details to obey immediately.. Something that Pastor Craig said resonated so deeply in me that I believe someone who’s reading this needs to hear these same words today: God will rarely give you details, especially all the details, because if we knew all the details we may not go. We can’t handle all the details! I am sure if the Lord had made fully known to Jon and Ashley (Barchus Family) ALL that the past 3.5 years of their life in Benin would entail they would have been extremely hesitant to jump on that plane and move half a world away. Why? Because some of what they have experienced over these past years has been excruciatingly difficult, painful and overwhelming. But they have been and continue to be faithful to the Lord's call on their lives. They didn’t know all the details and the Lord has been glorified SO much through their lives and their commitment to serving Him. In the good times. In the bad times. In the heartache. In the struggle. He has been glorified through their journey through the details.

That’s just what life is, right? A journey. And we don’t know much about this journey we’re on…at least I don’t know much about the journey I’m on but I know ONE thing. I want to ALWAYS say yes to Him. When He says GO, I want to go without hesitation. When He says COME, I want to come without hesitation. When He says TRUST, I want to trust without hesitation. When He says START, I want to begin without hesitation. And that’s just what Elisha did…he didn’t understand all the details but he took the first step.

The second point of Pastor Craig’s sermon was equally as convicting for me and really spoke to the fears and worries and plans I was trying to lay out for myself to take care of the “what ifs”.

Those that God uses the most

are the ones who hold on to the least.

Elisha left his oxen and followed Elijah. If you read the scripture (1 Kings 19:19-21), Elisha found himself back on the farm but knew that he was to GO with Elijah. So what did he do? He killed the oxen. Which is pretty crazy enough in its own right. These oxen were obviously strong and used to pull the plow on the farm and he killed them. Dead. As a sacrifice? I’m not sure but what he did next is even crazier. He burned the plow. His plow. The tool used to prepare the land…let’s be honest, I’m sure his dad didn’t have a handful of other plows lying around to be used. Why did he do this? Why did he kill the oxen AND burn his plow and then leave to follow Elijah? Because for him there was NO OTHER OPTION! He didn’t need the oxen. He didn’t need the plow. He wouldn’t need to come back to them. There didn’t need to be a Plan B "in case this whole following Elijah thing" didn’t work out for him…Elisha was 100% committed to what God had in front of him.

This hit me like a TON of bricks. I have obviously given up some things over the past several months but I have also been holding tightly to SO much more. What I needed to hear on Sunday morning was this: I need to let go of everything that spells security in my life…I must “kill the cows and burn the plows”. I WILL be 100% committed to what God has in front of me. Do I know all the details? NO. But when God is calling me to leave where I’m at, I can’t go back because HE is the one calling me forward. I want to have a “plow burning faith”. I want to encourage other loved ones and even strangers to do the same.

Does it make a whole lot of sense? No.

But my faith is IN God.

I believe in who HE is.

And He is faithful.

And I am finding more and more that in order to step toward my destiny I HAVE to step away from my security! There is no other option. I mean, I guess there is…but who really wants that? Not me. I want to burn my plows: my plan B’s, C’s, D’s and F’s, to do what God has called me to do.

What is something you need to abandon?

What plow do you need to burn?

Are you 100% committed to what God has in front of you?

What is holding you back?

Who cares if you don’t have all the details,

take the step anyway!

I’m not too far into this ridiculous journey but the past several years of my life have been an insanely wild ride and I am so grateful for moments, like Sunday at church, where the Lord boldly speaks to my heart and reminds me just Who it is I serve. I am thankful that He cares about the details…even though He doesn't give me all the details ahead of time, He cares so much about the details. In fact, just yesterday, Tuesday, August 6^th,I signed a one-year lease on my house with brand new tenants who just so happen to need to move into the house on Sunday, August 18^th. The same weekend my current tenants need to move out…

Summer 2013 Video!

Well, two weeks flew by and here I am back in Oklahoma sitting on GG's couch.
My time in Benin with the children was fantastic, as always. I LOVED having Claire and Courtney there with me and it was such a JOY to have Betsy and Molly there during our stay as well.
We laughed and laughed. Loved on the kids. Kissed sweet baby cheeks. Played games. Painted playground equipment. Completely cleaned out the old dorm. Watched movies. Ate popcorn. Lived life at Arbre de Vie and it was GREAT!
Here is a video that I hope you all love.
More blogposts to come, promise!

strong & courageous.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong & courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9)

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When I open my laptop, the first thing I see are their faces...

Alice grinning from ear to ear. Dossou positioning our dog, Bop, for the picture. Jeanine peeking around the corner with her sweet smile. Eric in the center, stealing the show.

When I open my laptop, I also see fingerprints and debris all over the screen. I am not too great about keeping my screen clean and honestly, I love having all my Africa memories plastered on the screen, literally.

But their picture is not just on my laptop and their fingerprints are not just on my laptop screen. They are in my heart. I am honestly wrapped around their precious little black fingers.

I try not to live my life only thinking about them. I think about them often and life there often, but life here often interferes with my thoughts. I am busy at work. I am busy at home. I am busy with life. But the moments like now, when I’m sitting at the airport waiting to board the plane to get there…they are all that occupy my heart and my thoughts.

The past week has been crazy. Over 30 family members were in town for a party that we had Saturday for my parent’s 50^th wedding anniversary and my grandma’s 90^th birthday. It was nuts and fun and stressful and lovely all at the same time. Immediately after everyone left, it was time to pack and get ready for Benin. (My least favorite part, ever.) And right now I am just tired, honestly. I want to sleep and I’m thankful I can snooze away on the long flights.

But my heart is already leaping thinking about exiting the plane and walking down the stairs into the muggy Cotonou air. My heart is leaping thinking of the moment when I finally walk out of the airport and I spot Jon’s head above the crowd and Ashley’s sweet little self bouncing up and down. My heart is leaping just imagining wrapping the kids in my arms on Wednesday morning and introducing them to Claire and Courtney and having them wrap their arms around them. My heart is about to burst. And until last year, I never knew what that meant. But now, now I do! And these are honestly the moments I live for.

I am thankful for this opportunity, as always. I am grateful that the Lord has chosen me to minister to and love these amazing people and children. May He always be glorified through my life.

Please pray for myself, Claire and Courtney as we travel to Benin and our time there. Please pray for on time flights and an easy 30+ hours of traveling.

It’s going to be fun, that’s a guarantee. But I am praying that this time will change and impact their lives just like my first time at Arbre de Vie changed and impacted my life. I am praying that I will be changed and challenged. 

Your love and support mean so much to me! To all of us. 

Keep checking the blog regularly, will try to update often.

Take every chance & drop every fear,

-tats

when.

It sure has been quite awhile since I’ve blogged, hasn’t it?

Let’s see. Where to start?

I moved out of my house. A sweet couple who are expecting their first baby are leasing the house and I moved in with my Grandma.

How is living with GG you ask? Well, it’s pretty swell, actually. I’m wondering why in the world I didn’t think of this sooner!! Seriously. My sweet Grandma is honestly the definition of a “caregiver” and being here at her house with her is such a special treat. I know I will always look back at this time in my life with great fondness. These will be memories and moments I will cherish the rest of my life. None of her other grandchildren have had this fantastic opportunity yet and let’s be real, there’s nothing better than life at GG’s! J

My work schedule at Milestones also changed. Dr. Henley opened a “sister office” in Collinsville, OK and the other nurse practitioner who was at our Tulsa office is now at that office. With her transitioning to Collinsville, it left some evenings in our Urgent Care open and Dr. Henley asked if I would be willing to change from Monday-Friday 8-4 to working 3 twelve-hour shifts per week. This is the same sort of schedule I worked as a nurse and I was more than willing to transition back to twelve-hour days (9a-9p). I have loved this change and it has definitely made work much, much busier for me when I’m there but it is a welcomed crazy! I sure do love my patients and their sweet families and my Milestones friends are some of my favorite people in the entire world. So this change has been very nice!

With all these changes some things have remained the same. I am still here, in Broken Arrow, in Oklahoma, in the United States. I am still not THERE. Not in Africa. Not in Benin. Not in Sakete. Not with the children of Arbre de Vie. And there are not many minutes of most days that go by that I do not wish I could be there, but I am honestly enjoying this beautiful time of transition from being HERE to being THERE.

The question I am asked constantly is, “So, when are you going?” Well, that is not the easiest thing to answer. Or hasn’t been until recently, when during a phone conversation with Ashley a really neat plan worked itself out and now I have a much better ballpark time frame of when I will be leaving HERE to be THERE on a more permanent basis.

I am leaving the States in 39 days with my niece, Claire, and one of my best friend’s youngest sisters, Courtney. We will be at Arbre de Vie in Benin for 2 weeks in July and I am so looking forward to this time with not only the kids, Jon, Ashley and all the others in Benin but also with other team members from a group that will be there from Ohio. It will be a whirlwind of a trip, I’m sure (much like my time there for Christmas was) but it will be filled with amazing memories!!

The night before I left in January, one of the oldest boys at the orphanage, Augustin, was talking to me about my impending departure. My time to leave snuck up on the kids just as much as it snuck up on me and all of us were not looking forward to being away from each other again. Augustin asked me why I couldn’t just stay. I said I would love to stay but I have commitments to people in the States and affairs to take care of so I couldn’t just not get on the plane and stay (although I wanted to do just that!). I had to go back to the States. In his broken English he reassured me that he understood but he asked when the next time I would come to see them would be. At the time of this conversation, I did not know. I was honest with him and promised it would be sooner rather than later, but that I did not know exactly when that would be…

He smiled and made me promise to return as soon as possible. He quickly followed that comment with this statement: “Tata, when you come next, can you stay eternal? Can you stay eternal like Papa Jon and Maman Ashley? I want you to stay eternal.” As I was fighting back the tears in my eyes, I told him that I could not promise him that…because at that time I didn’t know if or when I would be coming to Benin to “stay eternal”.

I can now answer his question a little more clearly. And I can answer everyone else’s question a little more clearly as well. As of right now, it is looking like Ashley will be coming into the States sometime right after Christmas for a wedding she will be part of on New Year’s Eve in Ohio. She will come down to Oklahoma during part of her time in the States following the wedding to meet some of her Oklahoma family for the first time and then return to Ohio to spend some more time with her family there. We will then both travel back to Benin together in mid-to-late January 2014 and, as Augustin would say, this is the time that this Tata will “stay eternal”. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

There are many things left to do. And many details that need to be figured out. And much money that needs to be saved and raised for all of this to happen. BUT, there are a few Bible verses I am clinging to during this time and I find great comfort and great reassurance in these words:

1 Thessalonians 5:24

“He who calls you is faithful. He will surely do it.”

Psalm 29:11

“The Lord will give unyielding and impenetrable strength to His people; the Lord will bless His people with peace.”

1 Corinthians 15:58

“So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless.”

This story is honestly just beginning. And God IS faithful. And although, right now, a lot of things seem impossible, I am daily clinging to the promise that He will provide every answer and every need in just the right timing. I am happy to be HERE, and I will continue to daily strive to be the BEST person I can be HERE! I hope to always say that no matter where I may find myself. In Broken Arrow, Oklahoma. In Sakete, Benin. Or who knows where else…I will serve Him the best I can no matter where I am. I hope each and every one of you can always say the same.

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In the end,

we only regret the chances we didn’t take.