It doesn’t
happen often. Especially anymore. What with me being here longer and being away
from there longer…but today, it has happened twice. That very strange feeling
when people around me are talking about something that has happened and I have
absolutely no idea what they’re talking about. Or situations arise and I feel totally disconnected from moments loved ones experienced.
Today, I
was sitting in the office and Hannah, Dr. Henley’s oldest
daughter, was sitting at the other desk working on some things. She comes at
least one morning each week, typically Tuesday, and will work on various
projects. She usually sets up shop in my office at an empty desk that is in
there for just that purpose. I leave my Pandora station on most days playing
through my iPad. I’m not in the office much, especially since my days are
getting busier seeing patients, but I am always sure to put on the
Needtobreathe Pandora station on days Hannah is there. She has made mention
that she loves that band and truth be told, I do too. Today, I was in there between patients working on some paperwork and this song came on. I listened to
it for a minute or so and said… “Who is this? I really like this song!” She
blurts out quickly, “Oh, that’s Phil Phillips. Remember? He won American Idol.”
I start thinking to myself…Phil Phillips? I have never even heard that NAME.
And I am certain I have never heard any songs by him. Or at least that I know
of…I begin thinking I’m crazy, how can I possibly not remember that
this guy was on American Idol. Then it hits me. “Was he the winner this
spring?” She thinks, “Yeah, he was.” Well…there you have it. I have no idea
what happened in America as a whole this spring, much less American Idol. We
laughed about that. And she mentioned the fact that she thought that was kind
of cool and I agreed. I have found it is nice to have no idea what’s going on in
this culture…
((this is who I was listening to instead of Phil. my boys loving their Tata.))
Last
Saturday night I was recovering from not feeling well and had not done much of
anything all weekend. I looked awful and decided to go over to Blackie and
Nancy’s to watch the OU / Kansas football game with them. Because, let’s be
real, if your parents can’t love you when you’re sick and looking terrible, who
can? It was nice to just relax and be with them, something I am learning to
appreciate more and more. The game was a blowout, so after we ate dinner I started
cleaning out a few of my mom’s cabinets. Now, without completing blasting Nancy
to my blog readers I will simply say this…my mom (and dad) have a lot of stuff.
A lot of things. But, my mom has made a conscious effort in recent months to
decrease the things and stuff in their home. It’s admirable and I am willing to
help out! (Heck, if Nancy cleans it now it’s less stuff Kim, Carma and I have
to clean out when Nancy dies. Just being real. Thanks mom!) So in one of the
drawers I was helping organize, we found a disposable camera. All the pictures
had been taken. Zip. Zero left on the camera. My grandma, Myrna, mom and I
laughed thinking about what could possibly be on this roll of film. Honestly,
the possibilities were ENDLESS. I took the disposable camera to Walgreens
tonight to get developed and just picked up the prints several minutes ago.
The prints
were from a trip that my mom and grandma took down to Austin and from time they
spent with my aunt and uncle. I’m honestly not sure when this was exactly. My
youngest cousin, David, was in college at Texas A&M and there are many
pictures from around campus of different family members with David. My aunt’s
dad was also with them for this trip. He is known to his loving grandchildren
(and numerous others) as Paw Paw. He was not my grandpa, I am blessed with two
amazing grandfathers of my own, but he sure was a Paw Paw to me as well, even
though we are family through marriage.
Paw Paw
died from a sudden illness on March 21. I left for Benin on March 19. I remember
the first phone call I had with my mom when I arrived in Benin. It was late, so
so late in Sakete. I had just gotten to the guesthouse and Jon, Ashley and
Katinka were helping to get me settled. I called my mom to let her know I’d
arrived safely after being disconnected from the world for literally 48 hours.
In those 48 hours, Paw Paw had become very ill and was on life-support when I
spoke to my mom. I remember standing out in the dark courtyard, a place so
foreign to me at the time, practically screaming on the phone to Nancy because
I couldn’t hear her and I also couldn’t really make sense of it all. What? He had just relayed a sweet message to me last week about how proud of me he was and
how excited he was for me and my upcoming adventure in Africa. What do you mean
they don’t think he’s going to make it?
He is
honestly one of the sweetest men I’ve ever met. It is a privilege to have known
him. And I am a better person because of the legacy he left behind in his sweet
daughter, my precious Aunt Bobbie. And tonight, that whole circumstance hit me
like a ton of bricks in the Walgreens parking lot. Paw Paw is no longer here.
These pictures, these now precious, precious pictures, provided a lesson for me
tonight.
I am still not sure what my future relationship will look like with Arbre de Vie. I know for as long as I’m in the United States, I will talk about these kids and their parents and the people who work for them. I will advocate for them. Raise awareness. And raise money for them. But I feel the Lord is preparing me for a longer stint in Benin. In Sakete. With these children. With Jon and Ashley. I feel that is what the Lord is calling me to and I don’t have a timeframe or any idea what that will ultimately look like, but I am trusting the Lord every single day.
But then moments like tonight happen. And moments like today. I think about how much I will miss out on. I think about how much Jon and Ashley are missing out on by choosing to live in Benin, West Africa to be the parents to the children at the orphanage. And I think about the almost 3 months I spent there this spring. Sure, I may not know who won American Idol. And I may not be able to hug my sweet cousin’s necks when they are hurting because their Paw Paw died suddenly and they are grieving. But I have to come to the point in my life and in my walk with the Lord to decide that those things do not matter to me. And that may sound harsh. (Not the Phil Phillips part.) But it is reality. And it should be reality for all of us. Anyone who calls themselves a follower of Christ…
Luke 14:26,
Jesus is speaking:
“If you
want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison - your father and mother, wife and
children, brothers and sisters – yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot
be my disciple. If you do not carry your own cross and follow me, you cannot be
my disciple.” (NLT)
“Anyone
who comes to me but refuses to let go of father, mother, spouse, children,
brothers, sisters – yes, even one’s own self! – can’t be my disciple. Anyone
who won’t shoulder his own cross and follow behind me can’t be my disciple.”
And I will admit, this is a struggle. I know it was a difficult decision and still is for Jon and Ashley as well. But they have chosen a life that is not easy, by any means. But it is the life God has called them to. And I am not sure what my future looks like, none of us are, but I am trying daily to surrender everything to Him. My friends. My family. My home. My car. My life. My insurance. My 401k. My future plans. It has to be His. Any other way of living is just not really living at all…
