red special birthday plate.

today has been a difficult day. if i'm being quite honest with you all, it has been extremely difficult. for a variety of reasons and due to several very different factors; today has just been a hard, long day. and actually quite random.
i'm not entirely sure what started it all out.
maybe it's the fact that i am supposed to leave my house at 7:35 for work and i woke up at 7:22 this morning because the volume on my alarm had been turned all the way down. awesome.
maybe it's the fact that i felt all out of sorts from the beginning.
but today, wednesday, september 19th has been a very "out of sorts" day.

it happens every day. every hour of every day. my mind wanders to them.
what are they doing right now? what are they laughing at? what are they working on?
but today, today my mind wandered much more than normal.
to the point that i became quite tearful on several occasions while at work, which is highly unlike me. and honestly has never happened before.
but today, today they were all that my mind could think about.
why?
i have no idea.
but the literal ache in my heart was just too much.
the obvious distance between us was just too much.
the fact that i am here and not there was just too much.
and my heart was really, really sad.

next week is my 27th birthday.
i am not exactly sure looking back on my life what i thought turning 27 years old would look like.
but i am excited to be 27. i love my life. i love the people in my life. i love my life.
but i am not excited to be turning 27 in Tulsa, Oklahoma. if the truth be told.
i will do fun things and laugh with my sweet family and friends, sure. but none of those things are what my heart and soul are longing to do...so the thought of "celebrating" here kind of just makes me sad. and slightly nauseous.

i want to be sung to in French.
i want to dance around the gazebo to the beat of the drums.
i want to eat rice and fish off the red special birthday plate.
i want to get handwritten notes on white paper ripped out of a notebook.
i want to be there.

but tonight, i am not there. i am in Tulsa, Oklahoma. and i just got home from helping my 12-year-old nephew with his math homework. and although it wasn't exactly like helping 30 African children with their homework under the one light in the gazebo powered by the generator, it made my heart smile. so even if life doesn't look 100% what i want it to look like right now; i am thankful that God provides opportunities for my heart to smile even after days like today. because i may not be spending my 27th birthday in Benin with the children of Arbre de Vie, but i am confident i will spend at least one of my birthdays there. and even though next week i won't be able to eat my cake on the red special birthday plate, i will smile as i eat GG's homemade brownies and hum "Happy Birthday" to myself in French. because sometimes, even after long, hard days, we have to rely on even the littlest things in our lives to make our hearts smile.

rain.

This morning a loud clap of thunder woke me up. Boom. I laid in bed for a few minutes and quickly realized it was raining, a beautiful, quiet rain. It was 5 in the morning…way too early for me to get out of bed for work. I stayed in bed and my mind began to wander. It must have been the thunder and the rain, but my mind traveled back to West Africa, where it so often does…

I’m not sure if I blogged about this instance previously, but one of my last days in Benin a huge storm came through rather suddenly. It was lunchtime, so the kids were at the orphanage from school, and I was sitting up in the gazebo working on some things while everyone finished up lunch. Quite a few of the kids and Jon and Ashley were up at the new dorm looking at the latest progress and talking to the maisons. I looked up and thought, “Goodness. It sure is dark over there.” So I started packing up my computer and everything and sat down to finish eating with the kids. Literally within 2 minutes it began pouring and the wind picked up and produced wind gusts like I’ve never experienced before, ever. Seriously crazy winds! I had some kids huddled around me, shielding them from the rain as much as possible and the wind. I was soaking wet and the storm had just started. I looked up and everyone from the new dorm was running back down to where we were huddled. Jon and Mathias were up in the gazebo by all of us by that point. I saw Ashley running and the next thing I know, I look back over and Jon is gone and Ashley is pulling herself up from the mud and walking into the other gazebo. It all happened in an instant. A wind gust had pulled up one of the large metal colanders by the kitchen and it had blown and whacked Ashley smack dab in the face. I mean, that’s a mess in and of itself; but what stuck out to me most in that moment was Jon. How in the world had he gotten over there so fast? He must have literally leapt over the railing of the gazebo and was there instantly to help Ashley. All before I knew anything had even happened. In fact, none of us had realized what had occurred. But Jon did. And was right there to help her up. Ashley and I later came to the conclusion that he must have just “super-manned” over there. Crazy.

All of that got me thinking about all of this…

Living in a third-world country on the other side of the globe from anything and anyone you’ve ever known is quite daunting. I have talked to Ashley and Jon both about their decision to live in Benin on several occasions, and although I didn’t know them during that time, I know them now. And I know it’s not easy. Their life in Benin is unexplainable. And I remember as I was beginning to prepare to leave in May I kept thinking…”I do not know how they do this on their own.” I mean, I didn’t do too much while I was there, really. But I always was busy and always felt like I had something to offer and tried to help in anyway possible. But these two…these two do it day in and day out. It is their life. It is their story. And it is quite a story…

I don’t really know what I thought leading up to March of this year, but I do know I had no hesitation to being in West Africa for 2.5 months. I had never met Jon and Ashley. I had never met any of the kids. I didn’t even know how to properly pronounce the town I was going to be living in…but, I got on a plane. I landed on the other side of world some 30 hours later and became part of the crazy adventure that is Jon and Ashley Barchus’ life. Part of the crazy adventure that is Arbre de Vie. I instantly became part of their story.

They did not have to welcome me with open arms.

But they did.

They did not have to take extra time to get to know me.

But they did.

They did not have to ensure that I was taken care of.

But they did.

They did not have to giggle with me and become my friends.

But they did.

And okay, Ashley and I giggled…I won’t include Jon on the giggling factor because that will take away some man points, I’m sure.

They did not have to let me be part of their story.

But they did.

And thank God they did.

I got to spend some time with Ashley and her sweet family several weekends ago during her trip to the States. One night, I was helping Ashley work on some stuff for a sermon she was preparing and it was late. She was pounding some coffee and I was chugging some water, working away at our own desks in Curtis and Cindy’s basement and she looked over and laughed and said, “Tats, why do I feel like I’ve known you my whole life?” I didn’t really say anything at first. But I sat there and thought…”DANG! All of this has all happened within the past 5 months. 5 months ago I hadn’t even met any of them yet…”

I will never be able to adequately put into words what this past half-year of my life has meant to me. I don’t have words for all of it yet, and I am starting to realize more and more that is all okay. I don’t need words. I just need to follow my heart. And I need my actions to speak when my words fail me.

I may not have words. And I may never…

But I do know that I am forever grateful for these friends, who 6 months ago I may not have known but they still allowed me to jump right into this amazing story. And them sharing their story and lives with me has forever changed my story and my life. And for that, I will never be the same.

What will the next 6 months look like?

I have no idea.

What will the next 6 months of your life look like?

You have no idea.

But be open to an adventure.

Be willing to let people join your story.

You never know what they have to offer…

And you never know, they may just change your life.